Students
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Coronavirus Comes to York After ‘Narrowly’ Missing Cambridge Offer
According to NHS England, there has been an outbreak of coronavirus in York. However, The Lemon Press has learned that York is, in fact, the virus’ ‘second choice’ of city after Cambridge. Despite giving a ‘promising’ interview, the virus ultimately failed to achieve its A*AA offer and its dreams of attending the prestigious institution. After […]
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MyUoY App Found to Insecurely Invade Students’ Privacy
The MyUoY app has been found to insecurely invade students’ privacy, according to a URYNews report. This is a clear disappointment to students who want their privacy to be invaded in a secure manner. That’s why I came to university after all. The MyUoY app promises new ways to track your every move. It wants […]
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A Final Summary of the Sabbatical Officers
James DurcanNever one to make a fuss, James Durcan’s quiet, near silent management style has left no one in any doubt of his ability to remain unseen and unheard. Despite widespread disinterest surrounding his lack of activity, one thing Durcan has excelled in is listening to students — he is keen to hear student’s experiences, to learn […]
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Students Too Thick to Have Opinions on NUS Worthy of a Referendum Right Now, Says Man With No…
Not much good will come from a referendum on being affiliated with the NUS, as students just aren’t that well-informed, the President of YUSU announced today. Rather than holding the referendum on whether to stay associated with the NUS — a referendum that YUSU is constitutionally obliged to hold every three years — the President said that YUSU will […]
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How Small is Chris Small?
How small is Chris Small? How long is a piece of string that is exactly as long as Chris Small is tall? We can’t know for sure as his constant security presence won’t let anyone near him — himself included. I hear they smashed his mirror on the final day of campaigning, thinking his reflection was a […]
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‘YUSU Staff Do’ Evacuated After Vonck’s Disease Eruption
An evening of celebration ended in chaos last night when members of the YUSU elite became violently ill with symptoms later identified as those of Vonck’s Disease. Staff and slavishly devotional liberation networkers, wining and dining at a party to send off the Sabbatical Officers in style, ended up in mad panic when several members […]
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My Speech: Alex Urquhart at the Love York Awards
Time for my speech, the big one, here to close off the evening before fading into the world of employment — Oh, tits, a stage invasion. Who is it, the socialists? Father always warned me they’d come for us eventually. No, it’s just that blathering idiot Durcan and his new gang. Doesn’t he know I have a […]
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YUSU President ‘Disturbed’ by Mugabe’s Resignation
From Issue 31 The leader of the YUSU–PF, President Alex Urquhart, is said to be ‘disturbed’ at the resignation of fellow despot, Robert Mugabe. Mugabe and Urquhart are understood to have a tense relationship, mostly stemming from the fact that The Lemon Press chose to endorse Mugabe over Urquhart in this year’s race for YUSU president — see […]
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New Sabb Team Take Office
Credit: York University Student’s Union YUSU’s new sabbatical team are now officially in office, so we reached out to some people for their reactions: ‘I’m just so happy, and so proud, and so excited; best of luck to them. I even made them some sandwiches for their first day.’ — Their Mothers, collectively ‘Sabbs? What are they?’ — Koen […]
