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Charlie Jeffery’s Guide To Hull

Dear students, It is the start of another exciting year at the University of York, and I know a lot of you are excited to get back to the more normal university life that, statistically, you have probably not experienced more than two terms of before. We are grateful for your continued support and lack…

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Arts

‘Red’ (Taylor’s Version), Reviewed By A Guy Who Pretty Much Hasn’t Listened To Music For Fun In His Life

Dan Bennett | 11 minute read

This is not a bit. These are my genuine thoughts on the album, I wouldn’t normally listen but I felt left out on the tweets. First impressions – This is too long. 30 songs? I have not had 30 quality thoughts in my life, let alone enough to transform into 29 songs plus an additional…

Nouse Podcast Review: My Flatmate’s Endless Screaming

Dan Bennett | 3 minute read

I hate podcasts, and for years have taken great pride in never having listened to one. Even if somebody is playing one within earshot of me I will jettison myself away from them and scream over it until it is no longer heard, such is my unbridled hatred of the medium. One time a close…

Campus

Top Tips For Campus Living: College-by-College

Lemon Press Writers | 1 minute read

Alcuin: Say ‘Morph Suit Man’ three times into a mirror to bring life to your party, and then have yours swiftly ended. Anne Lister: Take a tent, just in case they don’t finish building your room. Constantine: To get to know your college mates better, join the Conservative Society. Actually, don’t worry, you probably already…

University-Geese Ceasefire Off Following Peace Talks Communication Breakdown

Lemon Press Writers | 1 minute read

Communication breakdowns resulting from translation difficulties arose this week between university representatives and representatives from the extremist waterfowl sect known as the geese, throwing doubt on the future of campus relations.The peace talks, held at the demilitarised Greg’s Place quickly devolved in the absence of UN peacekeepers from attempted discussion to threats and demonstrations of…

Features

Dear Aunty B – Freshers 2021

Lemon Press Writers | 2 minute read

I’m starting in September and I’m anxious about meeting my new flatmates. What if they don’t like me?  Standing face to face with a brand new person can be daunting. It might be easier to introduce yourself with a wall between you. Try cutting a hole in your bedroom wall and putting your hand through…

Spitebart Agony Uncle

Dan Bennett | 3 minute read

Dear Uncle, I am having confusing thoughts about my neighbor. He is a filthy beta Biden-voting cuck who I hated for months and for months I have unsuccessfully tried to burn his duplex down. However recently I have heard him talk about how disappointed he is in the Biden Administration on numerous subjects, and it’s…

Lifestyle

Alternatives To Becoming The Joker

Dan Bennett | 3 minute read

Doesn’t it feel like everyone is claiming to become The Joker these days? If you still want to have a highly-characterised breakdown whilst still being original about it, here are some alternatives.  Megamind – Instead of letting all your chaotic energy out, let it go to your head and keep it there instead! By becoming…

Men I Can Fix

Will Rowan | 2 minute read

I believe I can fix all of the following men. Arthur Fleck: Behind the makeup and concerning behaviour, I see a diamond in the rough here. I’d start by helping Arthur channel his energies into his standup routine; it’s an act ripe for development and ComedySoc are just the group to nurture him. Soon enough…

News & Politics

‘There Were Three of Us in This Twitch Stream’: Bashir Admits Faking Footage of Princess Diana’s Gamer Meltdowns

Lemon Press Writers | 1 minute read

The journalist and BBC correspondent Martin Bashir has confessed that large parts of the Twitch.tv footage used to obtain an interview with Princess Diana was faked, admitting that the late Princess of Wales would never use such vile language while gaming. In the famous interview, Bashir asked if Diana regretted her choice of words during…

Build-a-Bear Announce Margaret Thatcher Bear.

Lemon Press Writers | 1 minute read

The international toy company, Build-a-Bear, has announced the release of their new themed bear – Margaret Thatcher. Following the success of their Marvel, Star Wars, and Harry Potter lines, Build-a-Bear has announced Margaret Thatcher as the first Bear in their Girl Boss line. The bear comes with a Thatcher-esque wig, iconic blue suit with pussy-bow,…

Science & Tech

Help! We Showed Sigmund Freud The Internet and Now He’s Banned From r/Freud

Dan Bennett | 1 minute read

This is quite an embarrassing story for us really. We got together and brought Sigmund Frued back to life (please don’t ask, it’s a surprisingly boring story) just to see what his reaction would be to the internet. We know, it’s immature to dabble in necromancy, but we thought that we could get some funny…

Sports

CONFIRMED: Jousting Is Just Misunderstood Sounding With a Massive Rod

Will Rowan | 1 minute read

Panic in jousting land as the age-old sport has been revealed to be one of the earliest examples of sounding. The sport has since evolved into a game of knocking each other off their horses with their jousting rod, a far cry from the tradition of getting each other off with a sounding rod. A…