Not much good will come from a referendum on being affiliated with the NUS, as students just aren’t that well-informed, the President of YUSU announced today.

Rather than holding the referendum on whether to stay associated with the NUS — a referendum that YUSU is constitutionally obliged to hold every three years — the President said that YUSU will flout its constitutional obligations (no change there, then) and hold an informal questionnaire to gauge whether students at York have intelligent enough ideas about the NUS to let them vote on it.

‘As we’ve seen in recent years, it’s important that big decisions are based on quality information and a strong understanding of why people feel a certain way,’ James Durcan told The Lemon Press.

Speaking to The Yorker (yes, they’re still here) in September 2018, Durcan mentioned a ‘Certain national referendum [that] highlighted the importance of understanding all the information available on the impact of remaining affiliated with, or choosing to leave.’

‘What happened in June 2016 shows what will happen in all referendums in the future, in all circumstances, forever,’ he told The Lemon Press. ‘Clearly all referendums involve information distortion and lead to misinformed voters making stupid decisions. We shouldn’t have a referendum until we’re absolutely sure that students are fully informed of what they’re voting on.’

When reminded that YUSU is currently campaigning for a second referendum on the United Kingdom’s membership of the European Union, Durcan responded, ‘No comment,’ before hiding his red face behind a copy of Democracy for Dummies.

‘We have to make sure that our students will make a well-informed decision in a referendum on NUS affiliation,’ Jim Fudge, YUSU’s Activities Officer, told The Lemon Press. ‘If we discover through this questionnaire that students know bugger all about the NUS, we’ll put the referendum to one side until a later date.’

When asked to determine when that later date would be, Fudge could not specify, but said he was confident that students would be better informed by that later date, whenever it was.

When reminded that students were saying, in public and online, during the referendum on whether YUSU should support a People’s Vote — which was his idea in the first place — that they would rather be debating whether YUSU should be associated with the NUS, Fudge responded, ‘No comment,’ before hiding his red face behind a copy of Nouse.

‘A referendum on campus would only result in lies, fraud and silly slogans on “66” buses,’ squeaked Zac Sheppard, the York Sport Union President. ‘It’s no good holding a referendum without knowing that the people participating in it firmly care about the NUS and YUSU’s relationship with it.’

When reminded that none of the Sabbs has ever publicly offered a firm opinon on whether affiliation with the NUS is beneficial for York students, nor whether York students want to be part of the NUS, since being elected and taking office, Sheppard responded, ‘No comment,’ before hiding his red face behind a copy of the Roses rulebook.

‘We want to ensure that all students’ voices are heard when it comes to deciding what we want to do with the NUS,’ commented James Hare, Academic Officer of YUSU. ‘It’s no good just relying on the politico-media bubble to settle the Union’s affairs; we have to hear from everybody, which is what this survey will ensure.’

When reminded that moving the referendum into the next academic year will deny all current final-year students a chance to express any opinions on the YUSU-NUSU relationship, Hare responded, ‘No comment,’ before hiding his red face behind a Polish phrasebook.

‘Students are getting a raw deal from the University of York,’ commented Steph Hayle, Community & Wellbeing Officer. ‘We have to challenge the University or else students will find accommodation unaffordable and have a miserable experience at this Uni. Membership of the NUS can probably wait while we sort out problems at home.’

When asked how she feels about sharing an office with four dimwits, Hayle replied, ‘No comment,’ before hiding her smug face behind an enormous pile of fan mail.

— Reynard