An evening of celebration ended in chaos last night when members of the YUSU elite became violently ill with symptoms later identified as those of Vonck’s Disease.

Staff and slavishly devotional liberation networkers, wining and dining at a party to send off the Sabbatical Officers in style, ended up in mad panic when several members suddenly took ill.

In the middle of making a speech praising his political idols, Alex Urquhart was caught off-guard in an instance of powerful verbal diarrhoea. At first he was suspected to be choking on the lamb hotpot he had allegedly smuggled in from Derwent ‘because Cucina’s catering sucks,’ but attendants of the occasion later confirmed to The Lemon Press that the President blurted out ‘VONC Josh Mackenzie!’ and fell off the stage, foaming at the mouth as he went.

When first aid was applied, the President’s predicament only worsened. For each Heimlich manoeuvre, he could only wail ‘VONC Josh Mackenzie!’ louder.

As an ambulance was called to rescue the President, more guests began to emit large vocal warblings, bellowing ‘VONC Alex Urquhart,’ ‘VONC Jim Fudge,’ and ‘VONC’ just about everyone else.

A physician’s examination of the President revealed that, as well as a bout of Vonck’s Disease, he had been infected with power and displayed signs of OCBD: obsessive constitutional bungling disorder.

Since the President’s malady, ‘VONC Alex Urquhart’ has been heard amid coughs and splutters in the campus bars. Calls for a university-wide vaccination against Vonck’s Disease, which decimated a disreputable campus media outlet earlier this year, fell on deaf ears at YUSU on the grounds that YUSU-sponsored scientist Dr J. Vonck Kuijk supposedly found a link between vaccines and authoritarianism.

Students have proposed that YUSU adopts a new policy on dealing with dangerous viruses such as Vonck’s Disease. YUSU officials tell The Lemon Press that there will be plenty of time for these ideas to be discussed once the current policy process is sorted out, which is due to occur in September 2021. Until then, our President advises us to ‘educate yourselves’ on avoiding infections.

The Lemon Press invited James Durcan to comment, who promised to go out there, every day, meeting students, asking them about their views, about what they want to see on campus, listening to them, representing them, making their lives better and blah, blah, blah…

— Reynard