Politics
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A ‘Who’s Who’ of Democratic Presidential Candidates
In the United Kingdom’s never ending to crusade to become the 51st State of America, there’s more and more coverage of the 2020 presidential race than ever. This has led to ill-informed and baseless arguments in campus bars across York about individuals preferred democratic candidate, or even their support for the incumbent. So, allow me […]
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ANALYSIS: Where Should the House of Lords Sit in York?
The Lords may be moving to York. It’s all part of a scheme to both reconnect with voters and justify the purchase of a quaint second/third/fourth home in York City Centre. I have conducted an exhaustive search of all the best places they could move — you could say I’m doing the Lord’s work. York Railway Station […]
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How Does Each Party Leader Murder Squirrels?
Jeremy Corbyn has not murdered any squirrels but was present at a wreath-laying ceremony commemorating a well-known squirrel murderer. Boris Johnson has no recollection of how many squirrels he has murdered but he does not finish murdering a squirrel before moving onto a new one. Jo Swinson owns a small personal armoury, including 3 chainsaws, […]
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Swell in Number of Ditches Dug This Month
The number of ditches dug in the United Kingdom has gone up dramatically, according to analysis published today by the Department of Environment, Food and Rural Affairs. Across the country, more and more ditches are being dug in villages and rural areas of England and Wales, says a new DEFRA report. Analysts at DEFRA working […]
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In Defence of Boris Johnson
[Henry, seemingly every other British publication has put an article stating their position on Boris Johnson. Please write one for The Lemon Press — Eds.] Boris Johnson and I have only a few things in common. Most of these will be rather obvious to anyone with a passing understanding of the two of us, and I need […]
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Students Too Thick to Have Opinions on NUS Worthy of a Referendum Right Now, Says Man With No…
Not much good will come from a referendum on being affiliated with the NUS, as students just aren’t that well-informed, the President of YUSU announced today. Rather than holding the referendum on whether to stay associated with the NUS — a referendum that YUSU is constitutionally obliged to hold every three years — the President said that YUSU will […]
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OMG! Theresa May Finally Asks Jeremy Corbyn Out
The Prime Minister and the Leader of the Opposition are to meet for ‘talks’ today in an attempt to break the Parliamentary Brexit deadlock, but The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal that they are going out on a date! After years of negging, the two are finally acting on their love for each other: Theresa […]
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The Diaper Squad hits London: it’s Bedlam!
It has been a long time since Londoners visited Bedlam to see the mentally unwell in states of great distress, but one can still pay to see a gathering of lunatics in pockets of the capital today. This month saw one such congregation of the paranoid, as our friends from America, Charlie Kirk and Candace […]
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Bercow Fucks Brexit, According to Reports
Last used when Jacob Rees-Mogg was a young man, John Bercow, Speaker of the House of Commons, whipped out a 415 year old parliamentary convention not enacted since 1920. Taking the advice of Theresa May, John Bercow has ruled that a democratic vote cannot be repeated until those proponents of the government’s Brexit deal secure […]
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EXPOSED: Chris Small’s Evil Plans for a Totalitarian York
I am part of the resistance inside the Chris Small campaign. The surprise Presidential candidate who took YUSU by storm, coming oh-so close to victory, once held me under his thrall, too. It’s easy to see why — the charisma of the man, his common-sense policies, and his devilish good looks are a potent combination. But underneath […]
