I am part of the resistance inside the Chris Small campaign. The surprise Presidential candidate who took YUSU by storm, coming oh-so close to victory, once held me under his thrall, too. It’s easy to see why — the charisma of the man, his common-sense policies, and his devilish good looks are a potent combination. But underneath what this very publication referred to as his ‘mild-mannered’ personality, lies a much darker interior.

I can today exclusively reveal Mr. Small’s chilling plans for YUSU once he took power. Behind even the most outwardly sensible of policies hide the most dreadful true plans. Take his pledge to abolish the abominable ‘Love York’ graphic — an excellent idea, by all accounts. But no-one but Small’s inner circle was ever told what he planned as their replacements: a series of massive posters featuring nothing but his face, with the caption ‘Small Brother is Watching You’. These were to hang from Central Hall, the Exhibition Centre and replace the Wentworth clock, to ensure that there was no place on campus where you could not be seen. He planned to install lecture capture in every room, including student bedrooms and kitchen, permanently set to record, with all tapes under constant review by the newly-created YUSU Thought Police. Anyone caught expressing anti-Chris sentiments would be made to disappear (or be sent to Hes East, but let’s face it, that’s basically the same thing).

Small’s claim to have created the smallest plastic-bottomed lake in Europe is also a scam. I happen to have a tiny plastic thimble of water in my bathroom, in case the silverfish get thirsty. No sooner had I told Chris about this than he asked his campaign manager to make sure I became acquainted with the bottom of the Hes East lake. Later in the same conversation he confirmed that ‘anyone with insufficiently Big Ideas will be made to disappear’.

Students concerned about his integrity should look no further than Mr Will Rowan [Roman surely?– Ed.], who followed the Campbell/Coulson route from journalism to politics, resulting in the odd situation of his writing TLP’s first exposé of Small (‘How Small is Chris Small?’), AND the Small campaign’s response. This is just one example of the rank corruption we so narrowly escaped — and I’m just pleased I won’t be around for #Small2020.

— Alex Howarth