Jeremy Corbyn has not murdered any squirrels but was present at a wreath-laying ceremony commemorating a well-known squirrel murderer.

Boris Johnson has no recollection of how many squirrels he has murdered but he does not finish murdering a squirrel before moving onto a new one.

Jo Swinson owns a small personal armoury, including 3 chainsaws, 7 assault rifles, a tank, an aircraft carrier, and a small array of chemical and biological weapons outlawed by the Geneva convention, all of which she uses to carry out her squirrel murder plans.

Nigel Farage, after being caught in front of a breaking point depicting a horde of grey squirrels, was caught murdering a pack of grey squirrels, with a shotgun in one hand, and a pint of criminally warm beer in the other. After his killing spree, Farage proceeded to claim that many of his best friends are grey squirrels.

Nicola Sturgeon has told The Lemon Press that it’s Scotland’s decision on how many squirrels it murders.

Jonathon Bartley has killed a squirrel with his car, but it’s been deemed to be, ‘not his fault’, so he wasn’t charged with squirrel murder or squirrel manslaughter.

— Chris Small