Brexit
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Swell in Number of Ditches Dug This Month
The number of ditches dug in the United Kingdom has gone up dramatically, according to analysis published today by the Department of Environment, Food and Rural Affairs. Across the country, more and more ditches are being dug in villages and rural areas of England and Wales, says a new DEFRA report. Analysts at DEFRA working […]
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As Johnson Promises a Golden Age, Will Our Civilisation Stand the Test of Time?
Boris Johnson has promised a ‘new Golden Age’ for the country. Speaking as the new Prime Minister to the House of Commons, Johnson told Members of Parliament that he was confident that national happiness would remain sufficiently high for enough turns to trigger a brief period of excellence. In this period, the new Prime Minister […]
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Boris Boost: Record Ice Cream Sales Dumbfound Naysayers
Johnson has been Prime Minister for only a day and yet we’re already seeing a ‘Boris Boost’. Sales of ice cream, fans, and one-way tickets to ‘literally anywhere else’ have soared since his appointment yesterday. This economic buoyancy is seen as a life raft for the new chancellor, Sajid Javid, who is rumoured to be […]
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Heatwave Just Divine Retribution for Boris Johnson
Sources close to Jesus claim that the recent wave of unpleasant hot weather sweeping the country and making life BLOODY UNBEARABLE GODDAMMIT WHY DOESN’T THIS COUNTRY HAVE AIR CONDITIONING is simply divine retribution for Boris Johnson becoming Prime Minister. Indeed, in a twist that will surprise no one, Our Heavenly Father (and Son — the Holy Spirit […]
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In Defence of Boris Johnson
[Henry, seemingly every other British publication has put an article stating their position on Boris Johnson. Please write one for The Lemon Press — Eds.] Boris Johnson and I have only a few things in common. Most of these will be rather obvious to anyone with a passing understanding of the two of us, and I need […]
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EU Election Results ‘Undoubtedly Swayed’ by YUSU’s Support for Second Referendum
The referendum held on campus that led to YUSU backing a nationwide second Brexit referendum has been recognised as the leading cause for the poll shifts in the European elections. The evening saw humiliating results for the Conservative and Labour parties across the country, as well as in York: both parties went to D-Bar and […]
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Students Too Thick to Have Opinions on NUS Worthy of a Referendum Right Now, Says Man With No…
Not much good will come from a referendum on being affiliated with the NUS, as students just aren’t that well-informed, the President of YUSU announced today. Rather than holding the referendum on whether to stay associated with the NUS — a referendum that YUSU is constitutionally obliged to hold every three years — the President said that YUSU will […]
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Bercow Fucks Brexit, According to Reports
Last used when Jacob Rees-Mogg was a young man, John Bercow, Speaker of the House of Commons, whipped out a 415 year old parliamentary convention not enacted since 1920. Taking the advice of Theresa May, John Bercow has ruled that a democratic vote cannot be repeated until those proponents of the government’s Brexit deal secure […]
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Editorial: The People Must Be Given A Second Vote
The Lemon Press today calls for a second referendum to be held within The Lemon Press on whether or not it should support or oppose the YUSU referendum on whether or not YUSU should support a second referendum on the UK’s membership of the European Union. The will of the person. Following a referendum with historically […]
