Boris Johnson
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How Does Each Party Leader Murder Squirrels?
Jeremy Corbyn has not murdered any squirrels but was present at a wreath-laying ceremony commemorating a well-known squirrel murderer. Boris Johnson has no recollection of how many squirrels he has murdered but he does not finish murdering a squirrel before moving onto a new one. Jo Swinson owns a small personal armoury, including 3 chainsaws, […]
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As Johnson Promises a Golden Age, Will Our Civilisation Stand the Test of Time?
Boris Johnson has promised a ‘new Golden Age’ for the country. Speaking as the new Prime Minister to the House of Commons, Johnson told Members of Parliament that he was confident that national happiness would remain sufficiently high for enough turns to trigger a brief period of excellence. In this period, the new Prime Minister […]
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Boris Boost: Record Ice Cream Sales Dumbfound Naysayers
Johnson has been Prime Minister for only a day and yet we’re already seeing a ‘Boris Boost’. Sales of ice cream, fans, and one-way tickets to ‘literally anywhere else’ have soared since his appointment yesterday. This economic buoyancy is seen as a life raft for the new chancellor, Sajid Javid, who is rumoured to be […]
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Heatwave Just Divine Retribution for Boris Johnson
Sources close to Jesus claim that the recent wave of unpleasant hot weather sweeping the country and making life BLOODY UNBEARABLE GODDAMMIT WHY DOESN’T THIS COUNTRY HAVE AIR CONDITIONING is simply divine retribution for Boris Johnson becoming Prime Minister. Indeed, in a twist that will surprise no one, Our Heavenly Father (and Son — the Holy Spirit […]
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In Defence of Boris Johnson
[Henry, seemingly every other British publication has put an article stating their position on Boris Johnson. Please write one for The Lemon Press — Eds.] Boris Johnson and I have only a few things in common. Most of these will be rather obvious to anyone with a passing understanding of the two of us, and I need […]
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From The World of Sports, And Also Military Coups And Politics — Special Post-Brexit War Edition
Image Credit: The Day Today Turkey Votes for Christmas.Well, more of a coup than Christmas. And there’s no vote. Local Area Man Sweats Nervously Trying To Score Political Points On Twitter Following Nice And Turkey. May Responds To Questions Over Boris Foreign Secretary Appointment: “Keeping your friends close and your enemies closer? Never heard of that […]
