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New Phone Glitch Autocorrects 'Pan' to 'Ping'
Apple and Google today released a joint statement confirming the discovery of a new bug autocorrecting the word ‘Pan’ to ‘Ping’. The glitch, tragically affecting the phones of Twitter journalists at a disproportionate rate, was first discovered by amateur chef Burt Huckler. ‘I was texting my wife that I was about to put some sausages […]
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5 Ways To Relive This University Year
(Photo Credit Iwan Stone) Haven’t you heard? The past year has been alright given the circumstances, it must be true, every Instagram caption says so. But now all that excitement is over, and now you’re at home you probably still want to be living in the amazing year that just passed. Well want no more, here […]
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Local Man Self-Isolating Unless You’re ‘Up For Something Later’
A police reconstruction (actual man may vary, please avoid all men in local area) A local man has taken to self-isolation for the next 7 days following a headache and sore throat. However, he’s very happy to meet you at your place or his, if you’re ‘up for something later’. The man, known only as Patient […]
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GB News Announces Educational Programming Lineup
Having already gobbled up the BBC’s market share on Conservative-socialising gammon, GB News is now launching an educational daytime TV slot to teach REAL topics to REAL children. 10am - Science with Ben Shapiro. Women’s biology expert Benjamin Shapiro will be educating you about the suspiciously dry birds and factually debunked bees. It’s okay parents, […]
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Police Warn of Pedophile Dressed Up As Nightingale Hospital
Following the closure of schools, Sheffield’s most notorious pedophile has had to move with the times: changing his school outfit for a fully-equipped Nightingale hospital. With everyone at home, he wasn’t fooling anyone with ‘Sheffield School — Open Day’. The monster is now roaming the streets as a 500 bed two-storey hospital, luring sick children in with […]
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PPE Students Agree the UK Has Too Little PPE
PPE students up and down the country have felt more appreciated over the last month than when they last had to explain their degree title. Doctors, nurses, carers, they can’t get enough of it — and they’re certainly not getting enough of it. Despite doing PPE at Oxford, Matt Hancock has completely failed to deliver sufficient PPE. […]
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Coming Soon: Love York is Blind
Coming soon to YSTV, the innovative excitement to see if Love York is really blind. Watch as students enter isolation pods in the library where they will be forced to talk to each of the five sabbs about YUSU. On a romantic getaway to Mexico, the students will get a chance to strengthen their emotional […]
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Ask Jeeves: The Man Behind The Magic
Ask Jeeves used to be a powerhouse in the search engine world. However, while Ask Jeeves opened up the knowledge of the world to us, we know very little about the person behind it all: Jeeves, age 42. Thankfully, he was very happy to let The Lemon Press do a Q&A with him — on the condition […]
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Confused Biden Drops out to Endorse Himself
Well that was a rough press conference. Joe Biden just took to the stage to announce the unexpected, ‘I’m following in the footsteps of Buttigieg, Klobuchar, and Beto to end my candidacy and support our best chance of beating Trump in the fall… Joe Biden’. His supporters fell silent as Biden continued to have an […]
