Confused trying to remember numerous openings? Does your endgame leave more to be desired? Well look no further! Here are five chess positions to add to your repertoire which will be sure to get him gushing.

1. c4.

The English opening may be a little bit unorthodox, but it is straight to the point. ‘Oi mate, fancy a shag?’. If he responds with 1…c5 you can guarantee it will be cumming home at the fortress of dreams tonight.

2. Pin

Remember to be adaptable, keep an eye out for the chance to execute a pin. Just like his knight on f6, his mind will be left immobile by the impossible orgasm he is experiencing.

3. 0-0

So far you’ve taken a bit of initiative and kept him on his toes, but now it’s time to remind him just how much he needs you. Castle yourself away and watch as he becomes more and more desperate for just a touch. Wait until he has exhausted all his options before giving him exactly what he wants, and so much more.

4. c8=Q.

Introduce a little bit of role play. You may normally be a pawn with a pretty vanilla move-set but embrace that promotion and become the all-powerful Queen you were always meant to be. Be sure to run him ragged with your newfound range and mobility and don’t stop until he submits to your dominance.

5. 1. e4 e5 2. Nf3 Nc6 3. Bc4 Nd4?! 4. Nxe5!? Qg5! 5. Nxf7?? Qxg2 6. Rf1 Qxe4+ 7. Be2 Nf3#

Oh, he can’t read chess notation and doesn’t have a suffocation fetish? Are you sure about that? Because air won’t be the only thing he’s gasping for after you end the game with this dastardly smothered mate.