Hello, and welcome to my Netflix series. I am Jordan B. Peterson, part-time lobster chef. With me is my translator and puppet-master, the corpse of Jim Henson. Hot on the heels of my groundbreaking insipid self-help book disguised as philosophical ruminations, I am going to break from tradition and rip off a Japanese woman instead of a European man.

So here, replacing my 12 Rules for Life, are Six Rules for Cleaning and Five Organisational Categories, which I call the ConMan method.

Six Rules for Cleaning:

1. Commit yourself to tidying up your room and tidying up society of the scourge of cultural Marxism.
2. Imagine your ideal lifestyle. You are a proud heterosexual lobster, offending freely as you pick your way through the oceans of life, defeating postmodernist ‘feminist’ Marxist extremist militants, cleaning up your room to achieve inner psychological focus.
3. Finish discarding first. Before getting rid of items, berate each item for being a devilish attack on becoming whole, unless the item in question is a copy of my book, 12 Rules for Life (available from any good bookshop).
4. Tidy up with your back straight. There is no point doing this exercise if you have bad posture. Poor posture was invented by Fredric Jameson as a plot to undermine civilization.
5. Follow the right order. The antidote to chaos™ is order. If your room is not in order, your life will not be in order. Don’t forget to order a copy of my book from Amazon.
6. Ask yourself if it sparks a strong masculine desire to defeat leftist ‘progressives’ using fact and logic and to become one with your True Being.

Five Organisational Categories:

1. Masculine Men who tidy their rooms really well, e.g. me, Carl Jung, Sigmund Freud.
2. Feminine Women who tidy their rooms but not as well as men in particular if they’re called Marie Kondo or my good-for-nothing cleaner
3. Lobsters (?)
4. Err…
5. Komono (Miscellaneous objects): Marxists, etc.

Available now on Netflix.

— Henry Dyer