The results of an inquiry into the accommodation of University of York students privately renting in the local area have been released. The inquiry found that, amidst several violations of general health and safety, sovereign law, and the 1929 Geneva Convention, there exists a contention between tenants, both previous and current, over how this issue should and could be rectified.

‘These snowflakes don’t know how good they have it!’ exclaimed alumni Bohn Jloggs,45, ‘When I was in student accommodation, we had to burn the furniture for warmth! We had to grow vegetables in the guttering! I got BOTH of my legs gnawed off by rats! BOTH of my lungs became hideous nurseries to black mould and silverfish larvae! I wrote my dissertation while dying of carbon monoxide poisoning! We had to shit in the middle of the floor! Not like a student today, who has an entire bloody corner. Bastards.’

‘It’s not too bad, really. We’ve been managing fine with the broken radiators.’ stated philosophy undergraduate Katy Spencer, 20, who during the interview repeatedly excused herself to offer a blood sacrifice to an altar of the Storm Beast Hrog [Long may He reign — Eds.], beseeching that she and her housemates might survive the coming winter, ‘I don’t want to cause a fuss, you know?’

City of York Council declined to comment.

— Marvin Drury