Back in the good old days, if you wanted to acknowledge your sins, you would head to your local church and take part in confession. No ‘Ninja Forms’, no tagging other members of the clergy when they hear a ‘good one’, not a godforsaken emoji in sight. The recent disruptive change to the confession market is already hitting the bottom line. Nowadays they have to have a quick whip-round to keep the church going; the church roof doesn’t pay for itself. Mike Ashley is considering his position.

A recent report by London Economics found that the University of York generates £603,000,000 for the local economy. However, the moral and economic cost of Yorfess has shown unbelievable year on year growth. By my calculations — based on drawing a nice straight line into the future — 2078 will be the year when there are -10,000 priests in York and the University and Yorfess as a whole will be a billion pound drag on the city. Next time you have to confess, consider not just what you confess but to whom.

— Will Rowan