Let me start with an apology, usually roundups are far closer to the close of the event than this. In fact, I didn’t even watch the conferences live, I had to watch them on E3+1, E4.

Microsoft

I was expecting updates on Crackdown 3, perhaps a new Gears of War, or even new IP. Turning on the TV, I was greeted by Phil ‘Two Watches’ Spencer looking even more smarmy than usual. £300,000, nice, 4-bed, not bad, detached, not too shabby, is this a slimmer Xbox One X? Kirsty Allsopp is up next, more hardware details? I bet she’s moved to 4K just to spite her children who are told to be grateful for their second-hand 360’s. Wait a second… this is Location, Location, Location! Quick, change channel, I’ll have missed the first half an hour!

Tuning into E4, I was surprised to find a TV show called ‘Escape to the Chateau’ on for a full hour. Microsoft seem to be going back to the Xbox One’s TV roots, terrible roots that we’d hoped were gutted after the weed that was the 2013 conference.

Every 10–15 minutes a quickfire round of new gadgets and peculiar adverts from sponsors were shown, breaking up the tedium of the show. Apparently glimpses of a new Halo were shown, I didn’t notice.

Did they escape the chateau? I couldn’t tell you.

Sony

I was looking forward to Sony’s conference. Insomniac’s Spiderman looked promising, it’s about time Sucker Punch showed something new. I’d heard that they were trying something different — an ‘immersive experience’ with an in-depth look at a handful of games.

It had started early for once, showing ‘Building the Dream’. Yet another blasted TV show! Media Molecules’ Dreams looked endearing but I can’t fathom how this presentation was related to it, nevermind a supposed documentary on its construction.

20 minutes in and I was dreaming. Why do they put these shows on at 2am? 3am on +1? It just doesn’t make sense. I awoke, show presumably over, three TVs swimming before my eyes as a hellish vision of a burning orange orb peeking through my blinds told me it was time to sleep again.

Nintendo

Nintendo was a no-show as far as I can tell, there was no show. None, nada, just a rerun of the Simpsons followed by Hollyoaks. Waste of my time, I’m done.

That’s it until next year, it seems the future of gaming is TV, what a weird E3.

— Will Rowan