Dateline, York. The hunt for the elusive email baron continues, a modern day UNABOMBER investigation.

It has been less than five days since University of York students were plagued by the first round of incomprehensible, and frankly, fucking stupid, spam emails – but enough about the GDPR reminders.

Currently, the Derwent football team remain the prime suspects. Having only just discovered email [Basic written communication, surely? – Eds.], the team have taken to using the tool for what is going down as the most devilish prank in University history.

It is understood that literally tens of minutes of student time has been wasted moving these elusive emails to the bin folder of our precious academic Gmail accounts. A prank like this will sure as shit go down in history.

We approached Koen Lamberts for a comment.

‘Frankly, I think this is what Y2K was going to be like, except this time we didn’t have the foresight to stop it. We anticipate planes will be falling out of the sky next, and not long after we will have our entire days taken up deleting these emails, grinding our economy to a halt.

‘If I could have stopped it, I would have. I have failed you.’

It was at this point Professor Lamberts put a pistol in his mouth and shot himself, splattering his brain all over the wood-panelled walls of his office, leaving his corpse spinning in his chair.

More to follow.

–Samuel Goodall

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