Doctors were rushed to Grimston House earlier this week, following the diagnosis of Vonck’s Disease in multiple members of York Vision.

Reportedly ‘out of control,’ with members of the student community at risk of exposure to conditions that will ‘befuddle the mind’, ‘make one cry out in horror’, cause them to ‘sweat profusely’, and ‘regret to have seen such decline’, York Vision is a student newspaper deeply affected by a vile disorder.

The alarm was raised after a series of shrieks, slurps, and threats of legal action were detected from inside the York Vision office. Shortly afterward a curious Nouse journalist happened upon a hotbed of sickness and malady, and contacted the emergency services.

The number of students affected by the affliction is unknown, but Unity Health quacks have identified the strain of the virus as Vonck’s Disease. The entire York Vision committee is rumoured to have contracted this disease.

Vonck’s Disease, discovered in 1987 by Dr Jonathan Vonck Kuijk of the Hull York Medical School, is described by the National Health Service as a potentially life-threatening disease for student societies and UKIP leaders.

Physicians describe early symptoms of the disease as a mixture of the seemingly innocuous, such as a deficiency of taste (in writing), to the overt, such as delusions (of grandeur), an uncompromising yellow appearance, and foaming at the mouth. Without treatment, sufferers of the ailment will eventually feel a burning compulsion to commence votes of no confidence against those around them.

‘It has spread all over the team,’ one Vision hack told The Lemon Press down the phone. ‘I voncked the Scene Editor the other day and he voncked me back this morning.

‘Last night the Managing Director broke into the office and threatened to vonck everyone if they didn’t vonck themselves first. When they refused, they went into the loo and voncked themselves. We can’t cope at this rate.’

The phone call ended there, as the student was abruptly voncked by the remaining Vision members.

Old Mother Hubbard, Editor-in-Chief of York Vision, has been battling Vonck’s Disease for over two weeks. ‘What you have to understand,’ she told our roving reporter, ‘is that, when I took the top job at this periodical, the office was quite literally a health hazard. The University’s staff believed it was a health hazard. Literally. I mean, you have to understand, that we’ve faced a lot of problems from the get-go, and it’s not my fault that our team are under the weather.’

While casualties reside in the sanatorium to convalesce, the York Vision office is a no-go zone. ‘Others have offered us treatment,’ Old Mother Hubbard continued, ‘but when I hear those doctors speak about us in such a critical, rude, and insulting way, can you imagine — can you really imagine — me listening to their advice?’

Dr Vonck Kuijk was at first unavailable to comment, but his flatmate Nigel told The Lemon Press that the disease had nothing to do with him. Later, when pressed to commit to developing a cure, the good doctor advised unwell students to take a dose of Mikeyline twice daily and to keep their fingers crossed at all times.

Members of the student community are advised to keep well away from Grimston House (and from York Vision in general).

— Reynard