The Times, The Telegraph, The Guardian, The Daily Mail, The Sun, The New York Times, Le Monde, The Financial Times, The Washington Post, USA Today. What are all of these established, historied newspapers missing? Why are their circulations in terminal decline? Is print media really dying? Maybe. But, here, in Heslington, York Vision — under new editorial guidance — have found the answer.

For too long, newspapers have been publishing [Could probably end the article here…–Eds.] front covers with news on them: the biggest stories, the most candid pictures, the most shocking exposes. Boring. Pale. Stale. But York Vision are trendsetters. ‘Who needs news?’ say the York Vision team. ‘People want visual jokes, gags, goofs! Our return to the scene needs to make a splash!’

The front cover, which features a white chair, a grey background, a ‘logo’, and a top text/bottom text meme, is truly a thing to behold. Sure, there is a general lack of news. Sure, the typeface is curious. And yeah, sure, it does look a bit like a packet of cigarettes. And yes, maybe it doesn’t immediately make sense to anyone who isn’t a York Vision editor or a psychologist who specialises in psychosis.

But none of this matters. York Vision have redefined the media landscape. The message doesn’t matter (the message, if you were wondering, is that Tim Ngwena, former YUSU President, was transformed into a piece of furniture in a blood ritual). What matters is that York Vision have saved print media, and we should all thank them.

Thank you, York Vision.

—Not Myles Dunnett, Not the President of The Lemon Press, but Someone Else Entirely

[Medium suggested using ‘journalism’ as a tag for this article. I’m not so sure.–Eds.]