The Chancellor of the Exchequer announced this morning on the BBC’s Andrew Marr Show that ‘there are, in fact, no people in the UK’. The Chancellor is understood to have made this curious argument to an audience of either millions or none, depending on whom you listen to. Reports suggest he came to this conclusion after deciding that if no-one existed, the total 24/7 shitshow that is the May government couldn’t be observed, much like a silent tree in a forest.

Philosophers and academics attempted to refute Hammond’s argument, but were countered by two things. The first was a letter asking for them to shut up, and the second was them realising that nothing existed, leading to them disappearing into thin air.

Fortunately, David Davis, the Brexit Secretary, was outside of the United Kingdom at the time that the Chancellor made his proclamation. He is still alive and well, negotiating the best deal for the non-existent people of the UK. Other survivors include non-domiciled persons who have survived on the Channel Islands, and other tax havens. They are, however, for tax purposes legally dead.

— Henry Dyer