Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn will finally go not-quite-head-to-head in a special edition of Question Time this evening, to be broadcast on the BBC from Heslington East. It’s thought that CCHQ insisted on Heslington East being the location for the filming, in accordance with Theresa May’s determination this campaign to avoid exposure to members of the public.

The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal that to ensure this, the few remaining survivors of Heslington East have been evacuated, whilst the audience in tonight’s debate will in fact be themselves televised from the refuge of Heslington West. Concerns that Theresa May might encounter a human being were further allayed by the fact that David Dimbleby, who’ll be hosting the show, is well known to be an advanced soul-sucking android demon, and that Jeremy Corbyn is a communist and therefore less than human.