A fresh employment dispute has broken out between Father Christmas and the Union of Non-illuminated Reindeer (UNIR) over prospective plans for a new sleigh that will be Rudolph-Only-Operated (ROO). A spokesdeer for the UNIR said: ‘For too long we’ve played second fiddle to Santa’s radioactive mutant freak with that bloody shining nose, watching him get all the carrots, brandy, and water. Well, we will be going on strike this Christmas Eve to protect future Christmas Eves to come. This new sleigh poses a safety risk, placing all the control in Rudolph’s antlers, so we’re asking Santa to intervene and change his dangerous plans.’

Few can forget the last time strike action was used in Lapland, in the famous 1972 General Elf Strike, with the vicious beatings carried out on any suspected strikebreakers. The outlawing of solidarity action in 1979 suggests it is unlikely that industrial action by the Elf Union will take place.

The Ministry of Gifts did not respond to queries for comment.

– Henry Dyer