We all know Trick or Treating is for the kids. It’s American, it’s saccharine, it’s banal. How could it be for anyone else? Sometimes, this message gets lost on some fully grown adults. There are however a number of options open to you to deal with this activity.

1. Laugh heartily, say “well kid, I see you’ve come as an adult!”, and give them some sweets.

2. Ask the person in for a drink. As they walk into the hall, lock the door behind them. Follow them into the kitchen and stare at them in silence. Invite them to sit down. Fetch the rope. Tie them to the chair. Turn the lights off. Put on the song ‘Stuck in the Middle with You’ by Steelers Wheel. Dance appealingly, just as Mr Blonde taught you. Gently remove their ear. Give them the ear back as a candy treat. Send them on their way.

3. Ask them out on a date — they’re obviously a fun loving person.

4. Boil some tar and hang it above your front door. Using your security camera, wait for your victim. As they approach, let them knock. As they look like they’re going to walk away, tar them. Then open the door, scream “trick or treat”, and cover them in feathers inscribed with the words “I am 38 years old and I am not a child”. Send them on their way.

5. Give them a hug and tell them it’s all going to be alright.

6. Say ‘trick’. If they don’t have one, then shoot them. If they do have one, then shoot them.

– Myles Dunnett