Absolute scenes at the Rio Olympics today as literal frontrunner Usain Bolt lost out on the gold medal for the 100m, after the judges discovered that the medals had already been stolen and sold off on the black market. Brazilian police are on the lookout for the thief, and wish to reassure everyone that they are definitely doing all that they can, and not holding their own bidding war for the medal. In the meantime, Usain has been given a novelty ‘gold’ medal containing chocolate inside.

— Henry Dyer