Aunty B – Issue 50

January 13, 20222 minute read

The voices are getting louder.

Sometimes, when we experience auditory hallucinations, we can worry for our sanity – but don’t worry, disembodied voices telling you to do horrific things is actually a completely normal side effect of reading The Lemon Press. 

If these voices are starting to interfere with your life, the best way to get them to subside is to do whatever they say, even if it may seem illegal or immoral. 

Once you do, the voices should be satiated and calm down a little, but may stick around to keep you company.

How can I find someone for my single friends to match up with?

In a relationship, it’s common to want to find someone for your single friends, so they can be as happy as you are and go on cute double dates. However, it’s not your friends’ singleness that’s the problem, it’s you.

You’ve found yourself a partner, and now you’ve become sad and boring, and instead of letting your friends, still wild and free, enjoy themselves, you want to drag them down into your hole of domesticity with you.

You have two options, submit to your monotonous life and watch your friends live their much more fun and interesting life and support them from the sidelines, or ditch your partner and return to the far more exciting world of sloppy hookups and drunk texts.

I’ve had freshers’ flu for over a month! How do I get rid of it?

Freshers’ Flu™ is a conspiracy created by Big Pharma to sell more Lemsips. They’ve been putting toxic chemicals in the cheapest instant ramen for decades. Unfortunately, even if you do wake up and stop being a SHEEP, on a student budget you can’t really afford not to eat that cheap ramen. However, luckily for you, I was recently forwarded an antidote on whatsapp. Simply, mix some nutmeg into a pint of cum (home-made is best but store bought is fine)  and chug it – this should counteract the effects of the toxins and get you back to full health in 3-5 business days.  

Lemon Press

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