Sir Robert Walpole elected Labour Leader, claims ‘new kind of Politics’


In a shocking turn of events, eccentric outsider Sir Robert Walpole has gone from virtual political obscurity (he’s been quite literally dead for most of the last three hundred years) to be elected -by a landslide- as leader of the beleaguered, bleeding hearted morass we call HM’s Loyal Opposition.

Walpole, who is known to shun conventional political dress by sporting a powdered wig and tricorn in the commons chamber (a clear act of rebellion against the New Labour establishment) has been heralded as a “breath of fresh air” and is said to represent “an entirely new way of doing politics” by an assortment of scatter-brained twenty somethings who think Glasnost was a music festival in Somerset.

His policies, which include reinstating the Corn Laws and the reintroduction of public flogging for horse thieves, have been called “visionary”, “forward thinking” and “unlike anything we’ve ever seen before” by Owen Jones and a motley crew of oddball economists from former Colleges of Higher Education.

When asked about Walpole’s newfound success, a moderate Labour analyst remarked “People do know Sir Robert Walpole was the nation’s first Prime Minister right? From 1721-42? He is quite literally the opposite of new, his ideas have been around for centuries. This is not a new kind of politics, it’s a very, very old and largely irrelevant kind of politics. I mean it’s fine if you want to vote for him, but can we please be aware that this is categorically not new, it’s just the political solutions of the Whig party in the early 18th century, directly ported to the 21st”.

“Actually, I don’t suppose any of his supporters do know that, most of them don’t believe in History because it’s got the word fucking Tory in it”.


IDS Discovers new species of human

Secretary of State for Work and Pensions and Priest of the Dark Lord Cthulhu, Iain Duncan Smith, announced today that he had discovered a new type of human.

Informally named the ‘Unemployed’, the Minister detailed some of the features of the newly discovered sub species. “Similar in many ways to today’s humans, this new discovery seems to be a half human/half ape hybrid.

Homo benefitthiefus is unlike any primitive human we’ve found before; it has a tiny brain yet huge, grubby palms ready to grab any state benefits it can find.

“Furthermore, it appears that it’s diet primarily consisted of shit morning television and tax payer’s hard earned money”.

Having completed analysis on the new specimen, Duncan-Smith promptly branded them as an evil on par with terrorists, badgers and seagulls. In line with Conservative policy on the latter subjects, he has called in extermination firm Atos in order to enact the cull known only as ‘Fit for Work’.

“Ashley Madison Leaks Cost my Marriage” says Serial Cheater

New questions have arose about the moral legitimacy of hactivism, following a string of divorces caused by the revelations. Orchestrated on a grand scale, the leaks revealed all those involved with the extra-marital shagathon, but many of those caught out deplore the infringement of privacy. “Look” said one customer, Bartholomew Tanserville de Patrickbateman Smythe “Back in the day, you shagged the pool guy or the servant girl and it was nudge nudge, wink wink, another £30 on the pay check. But sadly, the days of feudal servitude are gone and we have to look further afield to break our marriage vows”.

“Quite frankly, if I want to have a chokey bye bye wank while a nubile accountant from Surrey whips my arse with a power cord, that’s my own perogative. The true evil lies in those revealing such details to my spouse – unless she knew, I was doing nothing wrong. By telling her, these hackers have turned something that, in my mind, didn’t happen into a reality for the woman. These vile hackers have ruined my marriage and this has nothing to do with my inability to not shag whomever I please. Now tell me, who’s the villain here?”

In accordance to this line of logic, the police are have now arrested 300 CCTV cameras and allowed hundreds of criminals to walk because “The cameras were invading on my privacy to do a good honest bit of theft”.

‘At it again’: Those Radical Bonkers Brits!

Fear and consternation are mounting as the spectral prospect of the Labour Party catapulting loony lefty Jeremao Corbengels into the centre of state affairs continues to haunt Britain and the market capitalist world. On the day that The Telegraph justly lifted its state of combat readiness to DEFCON 1 (Loony Lefty Armageddon imminent), one wonders how it ever came to this. Goodness knows what the Americans must think of us these days producing forerunners in leadership campaigns who espouse ‘extreme language and nonsensical positions’! Listening to Corbengels drawl on about Britain’s so-called ‘ghastly’ inequality, it’s almost as if he sees himself as some kind of generally ‘decent person’ that actually got into to politics to try and help so-called ‘people’! Bloody do-gooder! Now Donald Trump, there’s a man with whom an ordinary voter could have several beers and discuss the real world. And talk about tits and how all women are menstruating scoundrels! And policy wise of course, not content with putting other loony left parties like Syriza to shame with his revolutionary zeal, Corbengels is threatening to renationalise the railways! As unfashionable as Tony Blair is these days we must heed the ominous warning he delivered at Progress think tank last month if Britain is to avoid ruin: ‘If Corbengels wins, the Labour Party could be faced with having a leader who says things that he sincerely means(!), particularly about rebalancing wealth. This is what I call the theory that the electorate is stupid – and actually give a toss about anyone other than themselves!’.

Benedict Cumberbatch in Plea to Fans

CaptureAcademy award nominated actor Benedict Cumberbatch has appealed to his fans outside of his London showing of Hamlet, telling them to stop coming to his shows because they are ‘just terrible’.

“I’m a respected actor,” he said, “and I’d like to be able to bring the works of Shakespeare to life. I’d like to be able to tackle meaty, complex roles like Alan Turing, and really supersede my status as an actor. But you guys, my fans, are just the worst“.

He went on to say “You people think that because you like Sherlock, you get to dress like me, form groups such as the Cumberbunch, and write erotic fanfic toon between myself and my good friend Martin Freeman. You guys are like Portal fans, running around screaming the cake is a lie. You are filth and scum”.

He summed up by saying “You coming here and watching Hamlet is simply despicable. You are taking up a chair reserved for a worthwhile follower of theatre, and you are taking up air otherwise belonging to a sentient and deserving human being. Leave me alone, and drop dead”.

Fans praised the move, saying “OH MY GOD HES SO PRETTY, MMM, SHERLOCK, KHAN, DRAGON GUY, MMMMMMMMMMMMM”. The lack of a drone strike was disappointing.

Socialites Rejoice as Willow Closes

A saddening end to an era for generations of students occurred this Summer as The Willow, the grimiest, strangest yet most wonderful clubbing experience to grace British soil had to close its doors due to commercial bureaucracy.

As much as Willow’s demise will be a tremendously sore wound on the night time scene for students, the very same customers, or infrequent visitors, used its closing as a desperate attempt to impress a social standing on social media. With childish petitions and long, dramatic paragraphs about how Willow was their life, people commenced in a game of one up-man ship in an attempt to obtain elite social gratification.

One student who went to Willow a few times last term: “Oh shit, Willow is closing? I never really go out, maybe went there a few times but this is a great opportunity for me to try and look cool by posting about it on Facebook.”

Checking back, he later posted several photos of himself from Willow, taken by an eager flat mate in Freshers week 2013, and made a long, rambling paragraph about how saddened he is and how he will miss all the amazing memories.

“I got nearly 40 likes from people I don’t really know from my course! Get in!”.

One student, in what must have been an attempt at satire, has started a Facebook event to boycott the Clintons Card shop which is occupying the empty building, whilst another is wanting to erect a statue of Tommy Fong outside the Minster.

One less interested student, who was shuffling outside Nandos with a snap back on, has said: “Wow, very funny. Do they want a medal?”.

For those involved in starting these two campaigns, gold medals will be sent to them in the not too distant future, so that they are sure that their efforts at social gratification via. these comical means has been noted. As for all of you with statuses, photo uploads and tweets, participation medals will be awarded.

May Willow’s memory live on in the hundreds of desperate social media posts about how fun, drunk and cool you are!


Dean Bennell

The Willow Frontier

26 July, Sunday, 5.45 A.M. – Intelligence informed me this was the moment that Willow would close its doors forever, or depending on your interpretation, open for eternity. In a cruel twist of fate, I had left my wallet there the previous evening, and had tried unsuccessfully to claim it before Willow even opened. However, I had  already come into contact with a feral Willow queue which resembled the Israelites leading mass exodus while completely off their tits.

Having quaffed one or two pints at the similarly never-closing Old Ebor, I would once again sortie inside to reacquire my wallet, allowing me to selfishly buy food for myself.

I got there just before 6 expecting to find a final climaxing of these scenes I had witnessed earlier, a final building up of all the tension.

Yet what I saw was something else. Previous hedonists, their ghoulish cries surging above the ghostly war cries of Richard III, were now all subdued. Something dark had passed over them all.

Tommy Fong was poised for his sacrifice, ceremonial Sambuca shots scattered around him, the altar-cum-DJ booth incensed with Jägerbombs. The DJ was menacingly playing Year 3000 by Busted. People were chanting in reverential tones “TOMMY FONG, THE GREAT MARTYR TO US ALL”. Even the bar staff were aware of what was about to take place. “TOMMY FONG, OUR OWN SAINT MARGARET CLITHEROE. TOMMY FONG, WHO GIVES US MEANING, WHO SHALL NOURISH US AND MAKE US BORN AGAIN”.

“We must keep the sun setting”, a man with a white t-shirt, skinny jeans and UV face paint whispered to me. “You must give us what we want”. GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY PRAWN CRACKERS.

Terrified, I left Willow, determined to actually find my wallet so I could buy food tomorrow. I saw Konrad stood outside, calmly smoking an astutely-rolled cigarette. “Please could you check lost property for a brown faux-leather wallet?”

“Fuck off”, he said.

(I’m reasonably sure that’s what happened.)

An account by Sam Hickford



There were protests today, perhaps some of the most heated in recent memory, across America. Signs with phrases including “ROT IN HELL”, “SCUM”, and “WE WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU” were hauled high into the sky. Chants were sung, and a people were united in anger against a white man of power, shooting an unarmed, living being. With no justification, no remorse, and above all, no penalty.

Of course, I’m referring to the dentist who shot a lion in Africa. The public haven’t shown this kind of unity since that Giraffe died in, where was it, Europe? Or since those poor zoo animals in Georgia died in that flood. The country, not the state. Not that that matters.

We spoke to some of the protesters. One, a 41 year old white person, was quoted as saying “This is a crime unto nature itself. This man cruelly dispatched one of our most amazing creatures. He is a disservice to our very nation, which includes many white police officers who uphold the law by shooting or harassing black people. In fact, I’m amazed that more black people aren’t here protesting. I mean, this is an issue that affects everyone. They’re off protesting about some miscarriage of justice or something. They almost took all our magic markers and plywood, but a white officer started shooting at them. Thank god”.


So there you have it. Ignorant Americans like Lions more than Black People.

Irish Marriage Referendum A Success

This May the nation of Ireland has voted to confirm what many people have believed for years: There’s nothing wrong with homosexuals marrying.

I couldn’t agree with them more. Literally no one cares what you do with your lovelife. If I mustered all the effort I can to try and give a single crap, I would utterly fail. If I had a pound for every crap I gave about what other consenting humans did behind closed doors, I would have the exact same bank balance as I do now because I would be receiving literally £0.

You’re marrying another human? Great. I haven’t had any contact, be it platonic, romantic or sexual, with anyone, be they woman, man, cis, trans, plant, animal or mineral, in months. Even Cortana, the bloody speak & spell that lives in my phone, hasn’t talked to me in ages. I literally could not care less.

Irish campaigners finally win the right to have a gay marriage. Some people are upset about that because their hobbies were homophobia and watching Game of Thrones. Game of Thrones ends in a few weeks so they’re gonna have a drab summer ahead of them.

I am overjoyed that Ireland has legally recognised humans as simply opinionated groups of molecules animated via complex chemical reactions, and that attempting to somehow regulate the non-harmful interactions of these molecules is utterly moronic.

If you are one of those people who are bothered about other people’s orientation, then I kindly invite you to also start being bothered about their dietary options, their choice of socks and the number of times they use the word “mayonnaise” in an average week. Oh and then maybe book a few days off work and take a load of laxatives. Why? Because you clearly have too many craps to give.



Now can someone please get me a Berocca and order me an Efes.

Europvision/Lay-up Fusion Liveblog

Oh God, what have we done? This is awful. Middle of exams, our traditional Eurovision live blog and we decide to do a bloody lay-up on top of all that. I need a lethal dose of beta blockers just to speak without it coming out as a garbled series of screams. Anyway, the following people will be making jokes intermittently at the expense of our European comrades: Gregory Waddell, resident psychopath and Patrick Bateman impersonator, George Nanidis, Greek still paying debts, Louis Jani, picture man, Tom Davies, The Lemon Press’s creepy uncle, Morgan Barker-Thorne, descendant of racists, Rosa Hansell who shall be communing via. Ouji Board (Morgan), Callum Sharp, biological entity,  Alex Lusty, who is impersonating a CEO crossed with West Side Story, Callum Gearing, glorious leader of The Lemon Press and Gabriel Bramley, a drunken waste of space.

So have fun with the brain wrongs and at the same time, ponder if any of the below is nearly racist.