Oh god, the Europeans are at it again. No, not war, they’re singing. Yes, it’s awful. Yes, we all say it’s awful even though we slightly enjoy it. Plus it’s a healthy bit of diplomatic catharsis as all of Eastern Europe votes for each other — plus maybe we’ll get some sympathy votes so we vote to stay in the EU. Not that Azerbaijan care, mind you. Liveblogging from across the country, The Lemon Press presents: Leusa ‘Really, I genuinely enjoy Eurovision’ Lloyd, Callum ‘Nil Points’ Sharp, Henry ‘No, I don’t feel bad about my Wogan joke’ Dyer, Greg ‘Can I rate Eurovision on IMDb?’ Waddell, Louis ‘When’s Kanye?’ Jani, Myles ‘When I’m Prime Minister…’ Dunnett, Stephen ‘I used to be a Prime Minister’ Harper, and Alex ‘Witty Remark’ Radford.
We’ll also be posting updates on our twitter, @thelemonpress. God save us all.
Watch the brilliant (brilliance may vary) minds at the Lemon Press take you through in detail the bruising, battering and blood boiling events as we see them in Courtyard. Yes, we will be watching our editor Alex Lusty take on a box of chicken wings. Also, Super Bowl 50 is on. In attendance we have editors and sad human shells Alex Lusty and Gabriel Bramley, Chairman Cal, deputy Editor Morgan Barker Thorne, 100% cuck Leusa Lloyd, the Red under the bed Ben Walker, flesh emoji Louis Lyle, professional memeologist Henry Dyer, rotting meat sack Tom Davies, sofa enthusiast Myles Dunnett and Johannes “I’m the one who gives the orders” Huber. Secretary Gregory Waddell is somewhere but has nothing else to do.
The UCAS Admissions team have released a report regarding who has been applying to University over the last year, and, more importantly, who has been getting in.
UCAS, the service used to apply for University courses, has reported that “women are 35% more likely to go to University than men”, according to the BBC. In fact, based on proportions “to their numbers in the population”, the most likely people to go to University are women, Londoners, the affluent, and those of the non-white ethnic group.
The UCAS Chief, Mary Curnock Cook has said that “poor white males should now be the focus of ‘outreach efforts.'”
We approached YUSU officer for conformity, Irene Nee, for an interview regarding this news:
“Nope. They’re wrong.”
“But it’s UCAS. They are the ones who know exactly who goes to University,” I said.
No comment has yet to be made by any YUSU executive officer, who have all mysteriously disappeared from their desks, waiting for the news to be brushed aside.
Carlisle has recently struggled to cope with conditions, as floods of journalists and politicians have poured into the area for reporting and photo opportunities.
Callie Weathers, a victim of the flood was forced abandon her home in the wake of the deluge: “It’s horrible. My home has been awash with filth, muck and slime; it’s been two days now and I still can’t get David Cameron out of my house”.
“It’s a bloody disgrace”, said another local Martin Wilkes, stepping over the junior shadow minister for Defunct Fax Machines and Filofaxes “As if our area hasn’t suffered enough, I get none stop journos coming in asking me ‘How this has affected me’ and ‘How I feel’. Well, really fucking wet. What else did you expect me to say?”
However, the Flood Minister, Dan Rodgerson had this to say “I am aware this deluge of politicians is a massive strain on the area. This is why I am not going there, making any media appearances or indeed making indications I exist. Besides, it’s not like I could’ve done anything to prevent this”.
With the polemic over the University of York’s involvement with International Men’s Day still raging on, the only point that opposing sides have been able to agree on is that the winner is the one that yells the loudest.
Third year student, Emily Smith, told the Lemon Press “While I feel that IMD raises important issues, it frames them in an inappropriate manner. However, rather than communicate this to people, I find that calling somebody a misogynist fuckboy is far more likely to convince people ideologically opposed to me.”
Second year, Andrew Braisly agreed; “While mental health issues and a dangerously high suicide rate amongst young men is important, my ego takes priority. Calm, reasoned argument does nothing to help me feel better about my many insecurities, whereas posting pictures of women dressed in Nazi uniforms is much more self validating.”
This reaction follows in the tradition of the many conflicts that have been adequately resolved without sensible debate, such as the Darfur crisis, WW2, pogroms, the War of the Five Kings and Henry VIII’s marital problems.
When asked for comment, Koen Lamberts firmly put his fingers in his ears and continue to hum to himself.
Following the university’s decision to mark international men’s day, Dr David Duncan, chair of the Equality and Diversity committee, has decided to mark a day for the recognition of professors.
In a statement to the Lemon Press, Duncan said “We’re just awesome, ok? Everyone needs to take a step back, think a minute and then appreciate how great academics are. In fact, every professor out their should go and give themselves a pat on the back right now.
“Yeah, we do a cushy job with the kind of security and remuneration that the porters would kill for, but we have problems too, alright?
“For example, yesterday I got a stone stuck in my shoe.”
In response, the rest of the world shrugged and carried on with their day.
In the olden days before most of us even saw a UCAS form, The Lemon Press had a dream, and it was to make a podcast. We then made a podcast and forgot about it after one episode. Five years later, another bunch of people decided to re-live the dream and make a new one.
Anyway, here is episode 1 where ex-editor Tom Davies, current deputy editor Morgan Barker-Thorne and editor Gabriel Bramley discuss various politicians with a proclivity for controversy.
The new ‘Deceit’ model is surely Volkswagen’s finest moment. A new advert shows the car with the looks of a Ferrari, and the environmental credentials of a vegetarian’s fart: it certainly looks promising.
However, underneath the impressive façade, lies something even more astounding: namely, the engine, chassis, emissions and interior of a 1973 Robin Reliant. Pathological liar, sociopath, and proud new owner, Lance Armstrong, had this to say: “I never thought a car could be so perfect! I’ve spent all my life lying while on a sodding push bike! If I’d known I could drive a car this dishonest I never would have bothered”. As he got into the car and drove off, the poor wheel alignment caused him to hit and kill an old lady, veer off the road, and plough the 50cc engine into a paediatric hospital, setting fire to the ward and adjoining pet sanctuary.
A disgruntled former high-ranking employee revealed that the Volkswagen CEO originally ordered that the car should be: “programmed to violently combust just after the first service”, “installed with a GPS that tells anti-Semitic jokes”, and ideally should “burn and maim both passengers and innocent pedestrians, especially the Swiss”. According to one source these requests were met with a standing ovation from the board, followed by the ritual sacrifice of a seal pup.
Volkswagen: manufactured in Germany, with American values. “Das Auto”.
In a shocking turn of events, eccentric outsider Sir Robert Walpole has gone from virtual political obscurity (he’s been quite literally dead for most of the last three hundred years) to be elected -by a landslide- as leader of the beleaguered, bleeding hearted morass we call HM’s Loyal Opposition.
Walpole, who is known to shun conventional political dress by sporting a powdered wig and tricorn in the commons chamber (a clear act of rebellion against the New Labour establishment) has been heralded as a “breath of fresh air” and is said to represent “an entirely new way of doing politics” by an assortment of scatter-brained twenty somethings who think Glasnost was a music festival in Somerset.
His policies, which include reinstating the Corn Laws and the reintroduction of public flogging for horse thieves, have been called “visionary”, “forward thinking” and “unlike anything we’ve ever seen before” by Owen Jones and a motley crew of oddball economists from former Colleges of Higher Education.
When asked about Walpole’s newfound success, a moderate Labour analyst remarked “People do know Sir Robert Walpole was the nation’s first Prime Minister right? From 1721-42? He is quite literally the opposite of new, his ideas have been around for centuries. This is not a new kind of politics, it’s a very, very old and largely irrelevant kind of politics. I mean it’s fine if you want to vote for him, but can we please be aware that this is categorically not new, it’s just the political solutions of the Whig party in the early 18th century, directly ported to the 21st”.
“Actually, I don’t suppose any of his supporters do know that, most of them don’t believe in History because it’s got the word fucking Tory in it”.
Secretary of State for Work and Pensions and Priest of the Dark Lord Cthulhu, Iain Duncan Smith, announced today that he had discovered a new type of human.
Informally named the ‘Unemployed’, the Minister detailed some of the features of the newly discovered sub species. “Similar in many ways to today’s humans, this new discovery seems to be a half human/half ape hybrid.
“Homo benefitthiefus is unlike any primitive human we’ve found before; it has a tiny brain yet huge, grubby palms ready to grab any state benefits it can find.
“Furthermore, it appears that it’s diet primarily consisted of shit morning television and tax payer’s hard earned money”.
Having completed analysis on the new specimen, Duncan-Smith promptly branded them as an evil on par with terrorists, badgers and seagulls. In line with Conservative policy on the latter subjects, he has called in extermination firm Atos in order to enact the cull known only as ‘Fit for Work’.