Shouting really loudly trumps coherent argument

With the polemic over the University of York’s involvement with International Men’s Day still raging on, the only point that opposing sides have been able to agree on is that the winner is the one that yells the loudest.

Third year student, Emily Smith, told the Lemon Press “While I feel that IMD raises important issues, it frames them in an inappropriate manner. However, rather than communicate this to people, I find that calling somebody a misogynist fuckboy is far more likely to convince people ideologically opposed to me.”

Second year, Andrew Braisly agreed; “While mental health issues and a dangerously high suicide rate amongst young men is important, my ego takes priority. Calm, reasoned argument does nothing to help me feel better about my many insecurities, whereas posting pictures of women dressed in Nazi uniforms is much more self validating.”

This reaction follows in the tradition of the many conflicts that have been adequately resolved without sensible debate, such as the Darfur crisis, WW2, pogroms, the War of the Five Kings and Henry VIII’s marital problems.

When asked for comment, Koen Lamberts firmly put his fingers in his ears and continue to hum to himself.


University to mark international professor day

Following the university’s decision to mark international men’s day, Dr David Duncan, chair of the Equality and Diversity committee, has decided to mark a day for the recognition of professors.

In a statement to the Lemon Press, Duncan said “We’re just awesome, ok? Everyone needs to take a step back, think a minute and then appreciate how great academics are. In fact, every professor out their should go and give themselves a pat on the back right now.

“Yeah, we do a cushy job with the kind of security and remuneration that the porters would kill for, but we have problems too, alright?

“For example, yesterday I got a stone stuck in my shoe.”

In response, the rest of the world shrugged and carried on with their day.


Lemon Cast: Ballot Vox Episode 1

In the olden days before most of us even saw a UCAS form, The Lemon Press had a dream, and it was to make a podcast. We then made a podcast and forgot about it after one episode. Five years later, another bunch of people decided to re-live the dream and make a new one.

Anyway, here is episode 1 where ex-editor Tom Davies, current deputy editor Morgan Barker-Thorne and editor Gabriel Bramley discuss various politicians with a proclivity for controversy.

Car review: The New 4 Wheel Drive Volkswagen Deceit

The new ‘Deceit’ model is surely Volkswagen’s finest moment. A new advert shows the car with the looks of a Ferrari, and the environmental credentials of a vegetarian’s fart: it certainly looks promising.

However, underneath the impressive façade, lies something even more astounding: namely, the engine, chassis, emissions and interior of a 1973 Robin Reliant. Pathological liar, sociopath, and proud new owner, Lance Armstrong, had this to say: “I never thought a car could be so perfect! I’ve spent all my life lying while on a sodding push bike! If I’d known I could drive a car this dishonest I never would have bothered”. As he got into the car and drove off, the poor wheel alignment caused him to hit and kill an old lady, veer off the road, and plough the 50cc engine into a paediatric hospital, setting fire to the ward and adjoining pet sanctuary.

A disgruntled former high-ranking employee revealed that the Volkswagen CEO originally ordered that the car should be: “programmed to violently combust just after the first service”, “installed with a GPS that tells anti-Semitic jokes”, and ideally should “burn and maim both passengers and innocent pedestrians, especially the Swiss”. According to one source these requests were met with a standing ovation from the board, followed by the ritual sacrifice of a seal pup.

Volkswagen: manufactured in Germany, with American values. “Das Auto”.

Myles Dunnett

Sir Robert Walpole elected Labour Leader, claims ‘new kind of Politics’


In a shocking turn of events, eccentric outsider Sir Robert Walpole has gone from virtual political obscurity (he’s been quite literally dead for most of the last three hundred years) to be elected -by a landslide- as leader of the beleaguered, bleeding hearted morass we call HM’s Loyal Opposition.

Walpole, who is known to shun conventional political dress by sporting a powdered wig and tricorn in the commons chamber (a clear act of rebellion against the New Labour establishment) has been heralded as a “breath of fresh air” and is said to represent “an entirely new way of doing politics” by an assortment of scatter-brained twenty somethings who think Glasnost was a music festival in Somerset.

His policies, which include reinstating the Corn Laws and the reintroduction of public flogging for horse thieves, have been called “visionary”, “forward thinking” and “unlike anything we’ve ever seen before” by Owen Jones and a motley crew of oddball economists from former Colleges of Higher Education.

When asked about Walpole’s newfound success, a moderate Labour analyst remarked “People do know Sir Robert Walpole was the nation’s first Prime Minister right? From 1721-42? He is quite literally the opposite of new, his ideas have been around for centuries. This is not a new kind of politics, it’s a very, very old and largely irrelevant kind of politics. I mean it’s fine if you want to vote for him, but can we please be aware that this is categorically not new, it’s just the political solutions of the Whig party in the early 18th century, directly ported to the 21st”.

“Actually, I don’t suppose any of his supporters do know that, most of them don’t believe in History because it’s got the word fucking Tory in it”.

IDS Discovers new species of human

Secretary of State for Work and Pensions and Priest of the Dark Lord Cthulhu, Iain Duncan Smith, announced today that he had discovered a new type of human.

Informally named the ‘Unemployed’, the Minister detailed some of the features of the newly discovered sub species. “Similar in many ways to today’s humans, this new discovery seems to be a half human/half ape hybrid.

Homo benefitthiefus is unlike any primitive human we’ve found before; it has a tiny brain yet huge, grubby palms ready to grab any state benefits it can find.

“Furthermore, it appears that it’s diet primarily consisted of shit morning television and tax payer’s hard earned money”.

Having completed analysis on the new specimen, Duncan-Smith promptly branded them as an evil on par with terrorists, badgers and seagulls. In line with Conservative policy on the latter subjects, he has called in extermination firm Atos in order to enact the cull known only as ‘Fit for Work’.

“Ashley Madison Leaks Cost my Marriage” says Serial Cheater

New questions have arose about the moral legitimacy of hactivism, following a string of divorces caused by the revelations. Orchestrated on a grand scale, the leaks revealed all those involved with the extra-marital shagathon, but many of those caught out deplore the infringement of privacy. “Look” said one customer, Bartholomew Tanserville de Patrickbateman Smythe “Back in the day, you shagged the pool guy or the servant girl and it was nudge nudge, wink wink, another £30 on the pay check. But sadly, the days of feudal servitude are gone and we have to look further afield to break our marriage vows”.

“Quite frankly, if I want to have a chokey bye bye wank while a nubile accountant from Surrey whips my arse with a power cord, that’s my own perogative. The true evil lies in those revealing such details to my spouse – unless she knew, I was doing nothing wrong. By telling her, these hackers have turned something that, in my mind, didn’t happen into a reality for the woman. These vile hackers have ruined my marriage and this has nothing to do with my inability to not shag whomever I please. Now tell me, who’s the villain here?”

In accordance to this line of logic, the police are have now arrested 300 CCTV cameras and allowed hundreds of criminals to walk because “The cameras were invading on my privacy to do a good honest bit of theft”.

‘At it again’: Those Radical Bonkers Brits!

Fear and consternation are mounting as the spectral prospect of the Labour Party catapulting loony lefty Jeremao Corbengels into the centre of state affairs continues to haunt Britain and the market capitalist world. On the day that The Telegraph justly lifted its state of combat readiness to DEFCON 1 (Loony Lefty Armageddon imminent), one wonders how it ever came to this. Goodness knows what the Americans must think of us these days producing forerunners in leadership campaigns who espouse ‘extreme language and nonsensical positions’! Listening to Corbengels drawl on about Britain’s so-called ‘ghastly’ inequality, it’s almost as if he sees himself as some kind of generally ‘decent person’ that actually got into to politics to try and help so-called ‘people’! Bloody do-gooder! Now Donald Trump, there’s a man with whom an ordinary voter could have several beers and discuss the real world. And talk about tits and how all women are menstruating scoundrels! And policy wise of course, not content with putting other loony left parties like Syriza to shame with his revolutionary zeal, Corbengels is threatening to renationalise the railways! As unfashionable as Tony Blair is these days we must heed the ominous warning he delivered at Progress think tank last month if Britain is to avoid ruin: ‘If Corbengels wins, the Labour Party could be faced with having a leader who says things that he sincerely means(!), particularly about rebalancing wealth. This is what I call the theory that the electorate is stupid – and actually give a toss about anyone other than themselves!’.

Benedict Cumberbatch in Plea to Fans

Academy award nominated actor Benedict Cumberbatch has appealed to his fans outside of his London showing of Hamlet, telling them to stop coming to his shows because they are ‘just terrible’.

“I’m a respected actor,” he said, “and I’d like to be able to bring the works of Shakespeare to life. I’d like to be able to tackle meaty, complex roles like Alan Turing, and really supersede my status as an actor. But you guys, my fans, are just the worst“.

He went on to say “You people think that because you like Sherlock, you get to dress like me, form groups such as the Cumberbunch, and write erotic fanfic toon between myself and my good friend Martin Freeman. You guys are like Portal fans, running around screaming the cake is a lie. You are filth and scum”.

He summed up by saying “You coming here and watching Hamlet is simply despicable. You are taking up a chair reserved for a worthwhile follower of theatre, and you are taking up air otherwise belonging to a sentient and deserving human being. Leave me alone, and drop dead”.

Fans praised the move, saying “OH MY GOD HES SO PRETTY, MMM, SHERLOCK, KHAN, DRAGON GUY, MMMMMMMMMMMMM”. The lack of a drone strike was disappointing.

Socialites Rejoice as Willow Closes

A saddening end to an era for generations of students occurred this Summer as The Willow, the grimiest, strangest yet most wonderful clubbing experience to grace British soil had to close its doors due to commercial bureaucracy.

As much as Willow’s demise will be a tremendously sore wound on the night time scene for students, the very same customers, or infrequent visitors, used its closing as a desperate attempt to impress a social standing on social media. With childish petitions and long, dramatic paragraphs about how Willow was their life, people commenced in a game of one up-man ship in an attempt to obtain elite social gratification.

One student who went to Willow a few times last term: “Oh shit, Willow is closing? I never really go out, maybe went there a few times but this is a great opportunity for me to try and look cool by posting about it on Facebook.”

Checking back, he later posted several photos of himself from Willow, taken by an eager flat mate in Freshers week 2013, and made a long, rambling paragraph about how saddened he is and how he will miss all the amazing memories.

“I got nearly 40 likes from people I don’t really know from my course! Get in!”.

One student, in what must have been an attempt at satire, has started a Facebook event to boycott the Clintons Card shop which is occupying the empty building, whilst another is wanting to erect a statue of Tommy Fong outside the Minster.

One less interested student, who was shuffling outside Nandos with a snap back on, has said: “Wow, very funny. Do they want a medal?”.

For those involved in starting these two campaigns, gold medals will be sent to them in the not too distant future, so that they are sure that their efforts at social gratification via. these comical means has been noted. As for all of you with statuses, photo uploads and tweets, participation medals will be awarded.

May Willow’s memory live on in the hundreds of desperate social media posts about how fun, drunk and cool you are!


Dean Bennell