In a shocking turn of events, eccentric outsider Sir Robert Walpole has gone from virtual political obscurity (he’s been quite literally dead for most of the last three hundred years) to be elected -by a landslide- as leader of the beleaguered, bleeding hearted morass we call HM’s Loyal Opposition.
Walpole, who is known to shun conventional political dress by sporting a powdered wig and tricorn in the commons chamber (a clear act of rebellion against the New Labour establishment) has been heralded as a “breath of fresh air” and is said to represent “an entirely new way of doing politics” by an assortment of scatter-brained twenty somethings who think Glasnost was a music festival in Somerset.
His policies, which include reinstating the Corn Laws and the reintroduction of public flogging for horse thieves, have been called “visionary”, “forward thinking” and “unlike anything we’ve ever seen before” by Owen Jones and a motley crew of oddball economists from former Colleges of Higher Education.
When asked about Walpole’s newfound success, a moderate Labour analyst remarked “People do know Sir Robert Walpole was the nation’s first Prime Minister right? From 1721-42? He is quite literally the opposite of new, his ideas have been around for centuries. This is not a new kind of politics, it’s a very, very old and largely irrelevant kind of politics. I mean it’s fine if you want to vote for him, but can we please be aware that this is categorically not new, it’s just the political solutions of the Whig party in the early 18th century, directly ported to the 21st”.
“Actually, I don’t suppose any of his supporters do know that, most of them don’t believe in History because it’s got the word fucking Tory in it”.