It is with a heavy heart that we must announce the death of YUSU’s ability to create mirth. Although it is an immense loss to the university, we can rest easy the frail creature is no longer suffering. Ever since birth, the runty and pusillanimous beast had been incarcerated in the intensive care unit, but it was only recently it’s condition worsened to a critical state as symptoms of unironic ice bucket challenges were found in it’s mucus. Clearly suffering, YUSU took the mercy of removing it’s life support, but not before the homunculus could offer one final, pathetic wheeze. Below, we have delineated it’s last will and the responses from YUSU president, Belfast Pete:
“I want… I want you to fake something…”
“But my poor son, I already faked being a decent human being to get this job”
“No… I mean… It’ll be a right chuckle… Fake… A bar closure”
“Justify it with… *COUGH* … realistic excuses, make sure it’s one the students like and fresher’s won’t get…”
“But that’s not a joke monster, that’s just lying.”
“Come on… Think of all the people that will laugh…”
“Plus, can’t everyone just go to the other one anyway?”
“Listen… People will laugh… Like they laughed at the rest of our jokes”
“I wish we suffocated you with a pillow a decade ago”
Being a loving father, Cork Pat immediately set to enact his child’s dying wish in true YUSU style ie. consummate incompetence. First of all, he decided to infringe on Vision’s remaining journalistic integrity by promoting censorship for the sake of a stillborn joke. Then, after perhaps the most egregious and inane imposition of Orwellian regulation, he then leaked the story himself in what he thought was a Google search. Of course, wishing to preserve the authenticity of his hilarious gag, he proceeded to delete the comment but not before students managed to do the unexpected and use the hitherto unknown ability of reading.
Realising the beast had long since lost it’s mind, Dublin Rick will hopefully retract the pitiful death throes of the monster and finally accept YUSU’s inability to be funny.
RIP YUSU’s sense of humour, you were too good for this world. Or did it die, lol bantz YUSU got you again.
Due to it’s recent actions in the Gaza region, Israel has come under heavier fire from the UN than a Palestinian hospital. In an effort to deflect the hand of international diplomacy hovering menacingly over their wrists, Israeli officials claim that any perceived atrocities in their campaign were the result of ‘a week of unfortunate accidents’. For example, it is not the responsibility of high ranking generals to ensure missile navigators are blessed with 20/20 vision. By extension, governmental accountability is diminished when health centres are confounded with ‘large tunnel shaped hospitals’.
Storming of civilian centres has also been widespread in the Israeli initiative, but these instances have also been attributed to their armed forces’ Pythonesque propensity for war crimes. Many officials blame the poor depth perception of their ground troops, which resulted in them being unable to distinguish between tunnel networks and the domiciles of non-belligerents. One sergeant says “Do you know how difficult it is to tell the difference between a house and an underground base? Or how easy it is to mistake a bomb vest for a pregnancy? You westerners seriously underestimate the logistics involved in discerning between active firearms and teddy bears”.
The defence secretary remains obstinate that their offensive is justified, and acts incredulous that the west is criticizing Israel’s suspicious dedication to the scheme. “I find it quite hard to believe that your nation’s are being so hideously inconsiderate for those who are perhaps a little less competent than the average person. Many of these citizens would find major difficulties finding jobs anywhere else – only so many positions are available at Russian SAM sites.”
Education Secretary Michael Gove is to become the Prime Minister’s new chief twat in a wide-ranging cabinet reshuffle ahead of next year’s general election. Gove will replace outgoing chief twat Sir George Young who was full of praise for his successor. ‘Michael has shown in his time as Education Secretary that he is the outstanding twat of his generation and undoubtedly the best candidate for the job’.
Chief twat is a more behind-the-scenes role for Gove that places him in charge of party discipline. Gove will be authorised to use any means at his disposal to ensure backbenchers vote as the Prime Minister wishes. Amongst Gove’s weaponry will be measures escalating from: a cup of tea with Michael Gove, tea and a biscuit with Michael Gove, tea and two biscuits with Michael Gove, culminating, in matters of the utmost disciplinary seriousness, in having to sit next to Gove for the duration of Prime Minister’s Questions whilst getting gently doused in the spittle of his fuming vehemence.
Such is Gove’s apparent suitability for the role that Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg appeared bemused as to why Gove had not been given the post from the start of the government’s term saying ‘there really aren’t many people that put Matthew Oakeshott into perspective’. The sentiment was echoed by Boris Johnson who commented ‘Cripes! What in Hades has taken poor old Dave this long to twig on to what is, after all, a pretty bloomin obvious actuality which is that Chummy Gove’s been the government’s chief blimmin Caligula in all but office for four years?! I mean what a divvy!
5 bloody good reasons why FIFA were right to award Qatar the 2022 World Cup
The Sheikh himself
1) It will improve the genetics of the human race. The World Cup is regularly a point of convergence for rotund, lolloping, sluggish excuses for men, cloaked in their national flags. The sweltering Arabian heat will melt this offal of society, leaving only the fittest, strongest and richest, infinitely augmenting our global gene pool. Moreover, the residual puddles of fat can be used to bolster the Middle East’s energy reserves.
2) By 2022, Qatar will be annexed by Putin’s Russian Federation, and given that Russia are hosting 2018, all of the infrastructure will still be in place. This also gives Putin the opportunity to replace the Uruguayan football team with sleeper cells and infiltrate South America.
3) It will make for a more morally upstanding World Cup. The days of England fans, sodden in cheap lager and running amuck in a foreign land are over. Qatari disciplinarians will see to it that all inebriated shenanigans are curtailed, and heinous crimes like ‘being a woman’ are put a stop to, for the greater good of football fans. There are whispers that SkyBet are offering a refund for all losing bets if more than 12 severed hands are brought to the attention of British consular services.
4) It’s about time a country with such a vibrant and illustrious sporting history was recognised for its achievements. Sheikh Hamad bin Khalifa Al Thani reliably informs The Lemon Press that Qatar invented sport in 1952, peculiarly the same year that the Al Thani coup seized power. Most notable of the traditional Qatari sports are sand-throwing, patriarchy and oil-bathing.
5) There will be no shortage of royal patronage at World Cup games. Sheikh Hamad’s 3 wives and 24 royal children mean that there will be a salubrious noble presence at all of the matches. As an added bonus, there’s no chance of a Prince Phillip style diplomatic gaff, because it’s illegal for over half of the Al Thani progeny to speak in public without express consent from a male relative!
In giddy anticipation of this summer’s impending carnival of ball kicking and illicit trafficking in Rio, The Lemon Press reporter and sports enthusiast without discernible talent, Tim Cloverley, holed himself up in a pub in town to capture some jumbled thoughts about the FIFA World Cup.
These responses were recorded verbatim from the gaping troughs of York’s most eminent football aficionados, the acrid whiff of piss-soaked corduroy trousers wafting into Tim’s nostrils as he frantically scribbled titbits and tips for the layman.
“England are going to bring it home.”
We speculate that he meant the World Cup, but also possibly a dozen venereal diseases and 12kg of cocaine hidden in the lining of Chris Smalling’s suitcase. Scholars at the University of Ladford calculated a 92% chance of World Cup victory. Lecturer John Smith qualified this: “Basically, the lads are going to do it for the gaffer. Woy’s chosen a side with pace, power, skill, footballing ability, technique, a winning mentality and skill”. England fans should therefore saunter into Rio with unbridled optimism and expect no less than triumphant glory.”
“We’ll end up going out on penalties to the Germans!”
If, by some ungodly fluke, our noble Lions should falter; and if that happens to be against the mechanically efficient Germans, remember that we retain the moral upper hand. Our Tommies romped their way to victory against the Kaiser and kept Fritz firmly in his place in the annals of history, and by jingo we’ll do it again!
“The squad is too bloody young!”
Bill Shankly once said that football was “not a matter of life and death”, but Hodgson’s squad selection has proved the great ex-Liverpool manager wrong. A decidedly young squad with the likes of Ross Barkley and Luke Shaw actually reveals the harsh realities of football. In actuality, the omission of the ‘Old Guard’ reflects rising energy costs and the fact that Ashley Cole and John Terry didn’t make it through a harsh winter. Our thoughts are with their families.
Edinburgh comedy festival has announced their headline act will be dominated by up and coming royal and PM duo, Queen Elizabeth II and David Cameron.
Generally, reviews for previous showings the man and monarch routine have been resoundingly positive, with newspapers’ reactions ranging from pretentiously derisive (“Probably the best farce I’ve seen all year.”) to nauseatingly patriotic (“Seeing her up there observing this extended song and dance routine makes my Union flag stand to attention”). Despite the high levels of praise, not all viewers were quite so enthused. Rival magic act, Ed and Balls, disparaged their antagonists by claiming their own performance was far more impressive and would entertain the public to a much greater degree. It should be noted however, that Mr. Milliband is scheduled not to be on stage indefinitely and his speculations about their potential career are based purely on fiction.
In an exercise of investigative journalism, intrepid Lemon Press reporters managed to obtain the script for the Elizabeth’s segment before it is due to be performed for the public. Instead, only a list of governmental legislation mixed with reassuring platitudes for David Cameron’s extended stand-up act, ‘The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom’, could be found. We at The Lemon Press predict that the content will be received with scathing and vitriolic disdain; but as other acts seem to be floundering in their own incompetence, Dave and ‘Liz’s subsequent shows will continue to sell-out to all 13 attendees of the political comedy halls.
We’re here somewhere in the heart of deepest Osbaldwick with former Lemon Press editor Tom Davies. Lemon Press writer Gabriel Bramley, Lemon Press News and Politics editor Sean Bossick, York Vision political commentator Michael Cooper and other Lemon Press writer Alex Radford detailing this thing we call democracy. It’s all kicking off.
So, it’s that time of year again. The sun is bright, the birds are singing and the impending exams ensure that you enjoy none of it. To help combat this (and because the journalists of the lemon press are secretly unimaginative monkeys running out of ways to procrastinate) here is the annual list of revision tips you read every year but insist on looking at again to avoid the horror that is the JB Morrell.
- Pick up a new hobby: Haven’t you always wanted to try a new sport? Rugby? Ultimate Frisbee? Quidditch? Now’s the perfect time! By running around and tiring yourself out all day you will be extra motivated to revise tomorrow!
- Sleep in for that extra hour: You deserve it after all that sport yesterday
- Learn how to cook: Now that you think you’re ready to study, it strikes you – it’s not effective, nay, even possible to work when all that’s in your stomach is a 3 day old Efe’s and half a twix. You have plenty of time until your exams, and let’s be honest, you need to prioritize here
- Destress: At this point, you’ve done so much that you really merit a visit to a revision clinic. Don’t want to get too hot under the collar now
- Reward yourself: How long ago is it since you last saw Jurassic Park?
- Literally watch paint dry: I mean, it’s close to a computer screen, right?
That concludes our top tips to help you secure your First in these exams! Some “experts” claim that these may be less than effective, but who are you going to trust: someone who has sat numerous exams to achieve a PhD, or a struggling writer about to collapse under the strain of revision? Hahahaha! Somebody please help me…
Hello one and all and welcome to the drunken microcosm of European politics that is Eurovision! I’m trying to come up with some sort of exciting introduction but I’m American and am honestly as confused about this event this year as I have been every other time I’ve seen it.
All I know is that there will be dustup, sparkles, someone with a beard, and that it’s a tragedy that Latvia didn’t make the final.
Tonight we have former chair and American Lois Stone, other American and deputy editor Branden Lynn, official campus punner Emily Mangles, secretary and production head Alexandra Craven, editor Jake Roper, “what am I known for besides eating all those lemons” Gabriel Bramley, former editor and Twitter celebrity Sophie Gadd, former editor and confirmed human being Tom Davies, and SPECIAL GUESTS former editors Rosa Wright and Jamie Gallimore. Editor Billy Blake was also there, but nobody seemed to notice.
It’s going to have as much drinking as your own Eurovision party, but twice as funny.
UKIP have transgressed the last moral boundary, even in the eyes of Eurosceptics and swivel-eyed loons alike in their latest hair-brained endeavour. The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal that Nigel Farage is not the wittering ninny he was once believed to be, but has been leading a shrewd political campaign from the word ‘go’ for deeply nefarious aims. His plan: cunning to Baldrickian proportions. His team: astutely selected for maximum impact. His target: The Lemon Press.
The Lemon Press’s top political correspondent went undercover as a UKIP voter, disguising themselves adroitly by painting the flag of St. George on their face, procuring a white transit van and inhaling solvents until their ears bled. Like a hound on the hunt, Farage smelled potential spokesman material and unpacked his devious spiel. Resplendent in his iconic flat cap, his gelatinous spine wobbling from side to side with every xenophobic huff, what Farage revealed to us shook us to our very core.
Still suffering the effects of the Zippo lighter fluid, our correspondent could offer no retort, but diligently noted the highlights from Farage’s monologue. Cackling maniacally, he admitted that his overarching evil scheme was “to put The Lemon Press out of business” by achieving a “monopoly on the satire market”. The string of gaffs and guffaw-inducing howlers were in fact a clever ploy, pulled off by a professional team of bumbling oafs and jabbering dimwits, designed to eradicate any potential material for the University’s aspirant writers and job centre queue-fillers.
Self-satirising is of course not new to the world of politics and enjoyed a renaissance under George Bush Jr.’s presidency, but UKIP’s fecklessness reached a new and dazzling apogee in its quest to run The Lemon Press into the ground. Commentators have speculated about Farage’s motives, some suggesting that he is embittered about his citrus fruit allergy. Whatever the reason for UKIP’s pinpoint attack, one thing is for certain: contrary to popular opinion, Farage’s party is definitely not a borstal for bigoted louts, a haven for habitual misogynists or a refuge for rampant racists.