“By the seventh day God completed His work which He had done, and He rested on the seventh day”. However, on that seventh day, student media had already descended into error strewn diatribes on the state of Courtyard and a myriad of duck jokes. God’s work was not done. He had one more task. He had to create a hero. He had to save student media. So on the eighth day, he unveiled his greatest work yet – The Tab (as reported by the Tab).
While the lovably sensationalist Vision and the diligent Nouse have dominated student media, it now appears that this will all change. As the Tab York prepares to open those most holy gates of click-bait, it has emerged that the new media outlet is set to overthrow the established titans of York media with a simple change to how the news is reported.
Yes readers, we’ve all been fooled and beguiled. With one alteration, York media will cast off its shackles and embrace a new age of reporting. For too long, York media has been overly concerned with reporting what actually happens.
The Tab seeks to remedy the heinous error. Why report actual news when you can make it up? A respected student editor having a threesome with two middle age women? Fantastic! An interview with Cthulu? Why not? David Cameron is actually an alien? Sounds exemplary!
As lowly peons only fit to stand in the shadow of this revolutionary publication, we may not fully understand or appreciate this reformation in reporting. However, dear reader, what we must respect is that Tab journalists are better than us. They have to patronize and lie to us – why would we understand? We should be glad our haughty overlords don’t order us to commit ritual suicide on the spot – or maybe they could just report that it’s already happened. That would solve the problem.
No, we are only here as low functioning views with legs. With all the grace and poise of an autistic crab, we amble through life with our only purpose being to click, click and click on those Tab articles.
So, next time you do see a Tab article, please acquiesce to your base, animalistic instinct and click on the link like the drooling zombie the Tab needs you to be. We all just need to remember – they’re better than us.