Lord Brittan dead at 75

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Caption redacted for legal reasons.

Conservative* <redacted for legal reasons> Lord Brittan has died at the age of 75** after a long battle with <redacted for legal reasons>. Brittan enjoyed a long and illustrious career first as a <redacted for legal reasons> before going on to serve as <redacted for legal reasons> and then for many years as <redacted for legal reasons>. In his spare time he enjoyed <definitely redacted for legal reasons> and is survived by his <redacted for legal reasons> and two <redacted for legal reasons>.

*Are we sure about that? Don’t want to get sued.
**See above.

University of York English Students Complain

Students of English and Related Literature at the University of York have complained of ‘sarcastic’ and ‘illegible’ comments on receipt of their work. After waiting endless days and penning terrible poetry, the student body has hit out at university staff, saying it’s just not on.

‘The comment was written entirely in Klingon,’ said one student, who wished to remain anonymous to protect his on-line reputation. ‘I couldn’t believe it,’ said another second-year student, ‘they just told me that I had an awful personality and that my taste in literature was ‘anachronistic’ – and it was written in Sanskrit.’

One student was particularly annoyed. James, a second-year student from Constantine said: ‘he didn’t even write anything constructive on mine. He just scrawled a massive penis with a picture of Emily Dickinson’s face on the end.’

The emotional outburst comes after the English and Related Literature department changed the way in which they mark assessments. A representative from the department said, ‘Yeah, we changed it to prevent us doing too much work. I have a lot to read. I mean, a lot. Haven’t you seen my Goodreads account? There is a lot.’

Students were reminded that bothering the administrative body gets you nowhere: ‘if we don’t even read your work do you really think we’re going to listen to you? Come back when you’re as posh as James Blunt, and then you might have a shot in the arts world,’ proclaimed one faculty member.

 

Joe Williams

Farage Warns of Xmas Immigration

After the veritable torrents of Romanians pouring into our country back on January 1st, UKIP Nigel Farage has forewarned that 2015’s immigration spike is predicted to come as early as the 25th of this month.

Following Lapland’s new EU privileges, Farage warns the public of a rapid influx of “judgemental” Nordic immigrants that could leave Britain’s economy “with just a single lump of coal”.

“Of course I would be nervous about one of them living next door,” Farage commented, “it’s just a matter of time before they slip in through my chimney and fuel their alcoholism with a glass of my brandy, but not before ransacking my root vegetables for their elk or whatever else passes for housepets back in jingle jingle land.”


Farage ended the conference with more concerns for 2015, “don’t even get me started on springtime immigration from the Middle East. I’m not up for a visit from the Easter Sunni.”

Pasky Miranda 

On the Frontline: Coventry

It is important this Christmas to remember those less privileged than yourselves. Those forced to live in misery in war zones around the world. Spare a thought for those forced at Christmas to survive through confined conflicts, seen only at this time. I’m referring, of course, to extended family meals, and the poor souls who endure them, every year.

They start, innocently enough, with a very long drive. In order to authenticate the feeling, the car must be small, but packed with presents, bags, and some form of alcohol. Throughout the extended journey to the final location, the driver will complain about their relatives, they will claim that they talk too much, are annoying, and they wish they didn’t have to go all the way there. After we had fulfilled this requirement, we arrived at our destination; middle class Coventry. Of course, as it is Christmas, we attempted to find a parking space, but could not. After over an hour of driving around, our relations finally revealed that we could park on their driveway; this results in further complaints from our driver, who swears and curses, before grudgingly driving our compact vehicle to the driveway. We are early, according to our host, despite various emails and texts telling us we are on time. We are offered drinks and seats to appease us, and all anger from our driver disappears, as they sink into (what we later discovered was) party-persona. We sit in the front room. The conversation begins poorly, politics being at the top. When asked about UKIP, a tense silence ensues, as we desperately try to figure out if our middle class, white, world weary hosts are UKIP supporters or detractors. After a floaty answer, we are relieved to discover this is a stalling tactic, not actually valid conversation, simply the illusion of such.

We quickly forget about it.

Before the arrival of other guests, we are appeased by our hosts, who seem to have no agenda. This is until we hear the terrifying news. There will be party games. Our hosts and driver head to the kitchen, while we desperately try and email our Lemon Press contacts for advice and support. Suddenly, guests arrive. Guests, at these Christmas get togethers, claim to be related to you. This relation is however notably dubious. It is impolite to ask who they are, particularly when you have met them before, therefore we remained silent. This led to a common issue, when a woman arrives, and a desperate task began to identify her. Alas, we were unable to, and we were left to decide whether finding her hot was acceptable, morally dubious, or downright incest. Finally, after being there for several hours, dinner arrives. However, like anything in this environment, it’s too good to be true. You see, the host is attempting to one-up her close relations, and therefore the food is never normal. For starters was a dish that consisted of over a dozen individual foods. Many are impossible to pronounce, almost all are foreign, and not normal foreign, obscure foreign. They don’t go together, seafood mixed with chicken mixed with fruit mixed with vegetables, and some of it isn’t even edible. The drinks are also strange, cocktails or strange, unsatisfying wine. And even then, it is difficult to reach the table, with over twenty people packed around a table designed for four.

The people next to us are strange and unfamiliar. After the main meal, that was bland compared to the starter, we reconvene for party games. We discovered that these games consisted of activities even CIA interrogators would think is a step too far. Not wanting to place our health at risk, we retired to our cramped corner room, which we assumed used to be a chimney. At dawn, the air-raid sirens wail. Our driver hurriedly wakes us, and we rush to our vehicle outside. Without warning, rockets fired from Gaza land on the next door shed. Our driver, after fleeing the area, informs us that the press were being specifically targeted. We arrive at a petrol station, and witness dozens of cars on the road. While we assumed they were simply driving, our driver informed us they are IS sympathisers, and opened fire with a concealed weapon. In summary, Christmas is shit, and we should all think about what truly awful people we are for liking it.

The fucking nerve.

Gregory Waddell

UK Government Break Newly Implemented Pornography Laws

Today, the entirety of the British government has been arrested on account of breaking several of their recently introduced pornography laws. In direct contravention to what was stipulated in the bill, BBC Parliament televised the house violently fisting Britain’s pornography industry without consent and in an abhorrent abuse of dignity, proceeded to urinate into the Freedom of Information Act’s open mouth one by one. Most alarmingly, sources claim that the bill was delivered by Eric Pickles wearing a gimp costume, hurling abuse at the beleaguered set of rights. “Yes, you take that you saucy little slut” Mr Pickles shouted “No fisting, no spanking unless I say it’s strong enough and no sex in my porn – we are not a country of degenerates!” All the while, he relentlessly flogged the industry to within an inch of it’s life.

Government spokespersons have been suspiciously silent on their salacious abuse of pornography, however, one MP was willing to buckle up his trousers, grab his walking stick and speak to our representative. Unfortunately, he gesticulated his arms in the air and screamed the words “THINK OF THE CHILDREN. WHAT IS THE INTERNET? WHERE AM I?” for half an hour before a party whip came along and told him he was in a prime position to join the House of Lords.

There are currently 3.5 million children in the UK living in relative poverty, who’s standard of living has risen dramatically since the risk of seeing a bare tit was eliminated.

Realism Revolution in Toy Industry – PTSD Joe Leads Charge

It is without a doubt that despite the size -4 waisted Barbie being a monolithic cultural figure, her biologically implausible body has been a social justice killing ground spanning over decades. However, now the ugly everyman stands triumphant and coincidentally, the accurate depiction of the human condition has become suspiciously pertinent to toy manufacturers. Most notable of these is the normal Barbie, Mattel’s newest release which occasionally forgets to wipe after pissing and suffers an implacable sense of existential dread like the rest of us plebs do.

However, rolling over the hill is Hasbro’s rival attempt to gain a stake in the realism monopoly with their effort, PTSD Joe. The beleaguered veteran comes with three customisable emotions: grim resignation, the thousand-yard stare and the look of harrowing memories creeping once more into his sleep, realising he will spend another night mournfully gazing at the ceiling. But the fun doesn’t stop there because PTSD Joe has up to 25 screams of fallen comrades etched forever into his memory and he lives them over and over again every time you pull the string in his back! Yet that’s still not all! Push the gun wound on his stomach and he will recite maudlin war poetry before using his karate chop action arm to hold the loaded service revolver against his skull!

Yes, we are living in a new age, but PTSD Joe wishes he didn’t live in it.

Empty bottle of whiskey accessory not included.
Remorseful glare emotion coming soon.

HALLOWEEN KKK MEMBERSHIP TRIPLES

 This Halloween has seen yet another rise in membership numbers for the KKK. Thousands took to the streets again this year in traditional white robes, with many children taking part in the demonstrations. The movement’s strange campaigning tactics, consisting of going round residential areas in the search for sweets, have baffled political analysts. “The broad focus of these demonstrations with no real targeted minority is incredibly out of character for the KKK,” said one expert, “They’ve made no press releases to confirm their complicity, but the protesters’ tendency to reject ‘dark’ chocolate means this must be a new form racially motivated confectionery rally.”

Child membership is becoming a major demographic

Child membership is becoming a major demographic

 

STUDENT WEARS INOFFENSIVE COSTUME – MEDIA OUTRAGED

 A York University student was spotted sporting a completely inoffensive costume with absolutely no reference to current affairs, prompting shock from the media and public. “It’s just so insensitive going round dressed as a vampire,” said a witness who asked to remain anonymous. “What if little kids saw, what kind of impressions do you think it would have on them?” “I mean, I just don’t get it,” said another source, “Why do young people, particularly students, feel the need to constantly push the boundaries of good taste? What’s wrong with dressing up as a Jimmy Savile or putting on an SS uniform like the good old days? My youngest and her friend are trick-or-treating as Myra Hindley and Ian Brady, a timeless classic!”

The Tab saves York

“By the seventh day God completed His work which He had done, and He rested on the seventh day”. However, on that seventh day, student media had already descended into error strewn diatribes on the state of Courtyard and a myriad of duck jokes. God’s work was not done. He had one more task. He had to create a hero. He had to save student media. So on the eighth day, he unveiled his greatest work yet – The Tab (as reported by the Tab).

While the lovably sensationalist Vision and the diligent Nouse have dominated student media, it now appears that this will all change. As the Tab York prepares to open those most holy gates of click-bait, it has emerged that the new media outlet is set to overthrow the established titans of York media with a simple change to how the news is reported.

Yes readers, we’ve all been fooled and beguiled. With one alteration, York media will cast off its shackles and embrace a new age of reporting. For too long, York media has been overly concerned with reporting what actually happens.

The Tab seeks to remedy the heinous error. Why report actual news when you can make it up? A respected student editor having a threesome with two middle age women? Fantastic! An interview with Cthulu? Why not? David Cameron is actually an alien? Sounds exemplary!

As lowly peons only fit to stand in the shadow of this revolutionary publication, we may not fully understand or appreciate this reformation in reporting. However, dear reader, what we must respect is that Tab journalists are better than us. They have to patronize and lie to us – why would we understand? We should be glad our haughty overlords don’t order us to commit ritual suicide on the spot – or maybe they could just report that it’s already happened. That would solve the problem.

No, we are only here as low functioning views with legs. With all the grace and poise of an autistic crab, we amble through life with our only purpose being to click, click and click on those Tab articles.

So, next time you do see a Tab article, please acquiesce to your base, animalistic instinct and click on the link like the drooling zombie the Tab needs you to be. We all just need to remember – they’re better than us.

Blood God Khorne Named as New Middle East Peace Envoy

Amidst Tony Blair’s ascension to the role of Middle East peace envoy, there have been concerns about his dedication to extolling the virtues of wanton bloodshed. This has all come to a head in the last few days, as the world governments issued their ultimatum to the former prime minister, which finally showed him out the door for not being ‘enthusiastic enough’ about initiating new conflicts.

529406-albaniaHowever, the days of peace shall soon be behind us as the UN announced the position has been allocated to resident of the skull throne, Khorne. When the news of the promotion reached his necklace strung from Iraqi ears, he immediately decapitated our reporter and issued the following statement: “THE END TIMES ARE FINALLY UPON US – THIS WORLD SHALL BE WREATHED IN HOLY FIRE. WE SHALL DANCE UPON THEIR SKULLS. KILL IN MY NAME! KILL!”. Given the trajectory indicated by that address, we predict the new envoy shall win the Nobel peace prize within the year.