Thousands of people woke up this morning under the impression that they were writers for York’s Longest Running, Award-Winning Satire and Humour Magazine, The Lemon Press.
Vision today succumbed to the illness, which regularly strikes in its offices, and frantically tried to get people to believe that Prince Harry would attend a university less than two centuries old. Fortunately Nouse writers have apparently escaped this year’s outbreak, instead producing an accurate report on the lives of Eric Milner residents.
Although today’s silliness was the first major incident in a year, there have been many reported outbreaks throughout the year, particularly in York Vision’s Elections pull-out. The illness, caused by the bacteria Apprill Fullisdae, causes people to think they are funny and attempt to make satirical humour for up to twenty-four hours, although some very bad cases last longer. It incubates in the immune systems of human fathers and relies on the airborne transmission of puns to infect others.
The disease is hitting satirists hardest, with the onslaught of unqualified people making jokes damaging the reputation and integrity of the profession. A spokesman for The Lemon Press said “These people think they write for us, but they’ve never paid membership. If we don’t get membership, we don’t have the money to print and we fold. Instead of our quality product, people will have no choice but to read mass produced, imitation jokes instead of our satire that’s been elegantly crafted by generations of artists.”
“Worst case scenario is that Helena Horton smells our weakness and eats us,” they continued. “I bet she could unhinge her jaw and swallow one of the editors whole before we even notice. Then the rest of us would be forced to work for Vision, our artistic integrity fading away until finally, blissfully, she grants us our slow, agonising deaths.”
“Still, better that than ending up at The Yorker.”
The Health Centre currently has a month-long waiting list to treat infected students, though most will have recovered by tomorrow. They have advised us that anyone feeling funny should get a twitter account or contact a qualified satirist who can help channel the symptoms into something useful.
If you’ve been affected by the issues in this article, please go to www.yusu.org/activities/societies/join/online and select “The Lemon Press” for help and support.