ROBBO SAUSAGE – 5 REASONS WHY MOYES GOT THE SACK

In his exclusive Lemon Press column revealing the key reasons behind the sacking of David Moyes, Robbo Sausage says some things which are made to sound dramatic and important due to the addition of some superlatives.

  1. Utter shambolations. Clearly, if you’re given a job to win games of football then you have to win games of football in order not to lose them. I think if Moyes had won more games of football then he probably wouldn’t have been sacked on account of not winning enough games of football.
  2. Where were the bants? I mean, if Sir Alex wasn’t merrily hurling boots at them (‘If you can dodge a boot you can dodge a centre half’ as he used to gaily remind his attacking midfielders!), he’d at least let us know he’d given his players a good half time hair wash when they re-emerged doused in his spittle. The best thing Moyes came out with all season was when he suggested they might still make the top four…. Classic!! That was about it though.
  3. Having spent £70 million on Fellaini and Mata, Moyes clearly spent far, far too much. I think the next manager will need to spend at least £200 million in the summer.   
  4. Hanging over his whole tenure was that critical question: actually what colour is his hair? I mean, it was dramatically clear from day one there might be shades of ginger in there and it hasn’t got any better. The problem for United is that they have got their global brand to think about. Do they want to be associated with that? I’m not sure, but at some point in the appointment process, I think Sir Alex had to sit down with Moyes and have it out man to man – is it just auburn, or is there something I need to know about here? Clearly that enormously vital discussion failed to take place.
  5. General shambolations. United this season have been pedestrian, bad, slow, absolutely shocking, defensive…. inoffensive……. pedestrian when they need to have pace, dynamic, power…. speed, pattern of play, style of play, forepl…. speed. Those things needed to happen and, although they could have possibly happened, they completely didn’t happen.

Robbo Sausage was speaking to the Lemon Press’s Will Carne, who failed miserably to create some kind of coherent article from the punditry (quaint ravings) he was subjected to. 

Facebook Announces New Drone Program

Facebook and the US Department of Defense have announced a new integrated drone defense system that will give more legitimacy to the much maligned system currently in place.  The new system will oblige the government to post potential targets to their Facebook wall, and require the approval of Facebook users, in the form of ‘likes’, before a mission gets the go ahead.  This builds upon the popular healthcare initiative launched as a predecessor to Obamacare, in which Facebook members could post their, or a loved one’s, medical condition.  If enough people ‘liked’ the post, their procedure would be covered.  However, details on just how many ‘likes’ will be needed for a mission to get the go ahead are scarce.  The government would likely favor a low threshold that applies to all cases, while some human rights activists, who praise the democratic and transparent nature of the proposed program, seem keen to have it operated more on a case by case basis, with more ‘likes’ needed to perform a strike when multiple targets, or even civilians, are involved.  More detailed plans about how many people have to support a strike for it to be legitimate are expected to come as the program develops over the coming months.

Constantine logo announced as “rubbish”

University of York students were outraged after proposals were announced for the new Constantine college. The name first came into the firing line, with Constantine’s links to the city being challenged. “If they even had a GCSE level geography they would see that Rome is no where near York” commented one Vanbrugh student. “Anyway purple is VANBRUGH’S colour”. The colleges are very similar and geographically close, so students new to York will probably get confused. Studies show that it is common for people who have average AAA A-levels to find themselves unable to differentiate between two things if they are both of the same colour.

Constantine’s logo has also come into question. Deputy Vice-Chancellor Jane Grenville speaking at a press conference announced “And there he is, that is our Constantine logo, the head of Constantine in the colours of Constantine.” She has since revoked this and edited the statement to a more accurate: “And there he is, that is our Constantine logo, the head of Hadrian in the colours of Vanbrugh.” At this rate I’m sure Constantine has a bright future ahead of it.

Mass Identity Crisis Sickness Strikes Again, Ruining Lives

Thousands of people woke up this morning under the impression that they were writers for York’s Longest Running, Award-Winning Satire and Humour Magazine, The Lemon Press.

Vision today succumbed to the illness, which regularly strikes in its offices, and frantically tried to get people to believe that Prince Harry would attend a university less than two centuries old. Fortunately Nouse writers have apparently escaped this year’s outbreak, instead producing an accurate report on the lives of Eric Milner residents.

Although today’s silliness was the first major incident in a year, there have been many reported outbreaks throughout the year, particularly in York Vision’s Elections pull-out. The illness, caused by the bacteria Apprill Fullisdae, causes people to think they are funny and attempt to make satirical humour for up to twenty-four hours, although some very bad cases last longer. It incubates in the immune systems of human fathers and relies on the airborne transmission of puns to infect others.

The disease is hitting satirists hardest, with the onslaught of unqualified people making jokes damaging the reputation and integrity of the profession. A spokesman for The Lemon Press said “These people think they write for us, but they’ve never paid membership. If we don’t get membership, we don’t have the money to print and we fold. Instead of our quality product, people will have no choice but to read mass produced, imitation jokes instead of our satire that’s been elegantly crafted by generations of artists.”

“Worst case scenario is that Helena Horton smells our weakness and eats us,” they continued. “I bet she could unhinge her jaw and swallow one of the editors whole before we even notice. Then the rest of us would be forced to work for Vision, our artistic integrity fading away until finally, blissfully, she grants us our slow, agonising deaths.”

“Still, better that than ending up at The Yorker.”

The Health Centre currently has a month-long waiting list to treat infected students, though most will have recovered by tomorrow. They have advised us that anyone feeling funny should get a twitter account or contact a qualified satirist who can help channel the symptoms into something useful.

 

If you’ve been affected by the issues in this article, please go to www.yusu.org/activities/societies/join/online and select “The Lemon Press” for help and support.

An Appeal to the Working Man

Squawks of unfettered delight erupted from Tory HQ as Grant Shapps announced that the 2014 Budget would act as the key to unlock the hearts and minds of the writhing and sullied masses of the underclass. Conservative think-tanks had long been at work devising clever policies that would engender support for the right and undermine Ed Milliband’s appeal to the underprivileged. Early commentators were pessimistic about the success of the budget in this respect, because it was built on the fallacious notion that Milliband appealed to anybody except adenoid specialists.

However, Osborne’s plans have surprised the working man. Flagship policies have included a penny tax cut for beer and a halving of tax on bingo halls, enabling the baser folk to do what they do best: poison themselves with gallons of watered down lager and fritter away their fraudulently acquired benefit payments on games of chance. Yet, these are not the only policies that pander to the proles. The Lemon Press’s political correspondents have been working tirelessly to uncover the other policies that didn’t make it into The Sun’s front page spread.

  • Darts have been declassified as an offensive weapon, allowing the average pub-going whelp to let loose his missiles of mediocrity whenever he so chooses.
  • As part of an enlightenment project, all paperwork at the job centre has been translated into Latin to broaden the skillset of the scroungers.
  • Green-belt legislation has been loosened to allow locals to wallow in substantially filthy mires and dwell on their underachievement in life.
  • All state comprehensives will be encouraged to instigate fagging as a system of subordination in order to facilitate children’s integration into the working world.

Senior Tory policy-makers suggested the compulsory expansion of blood-sports to working men’s clubs would have a salubrious effect on general goodwill and joviality, as well as undoubtedly winning the impending general election for the Conservatives. However, critics have pointed out the superfluity of this, as most working class men ritually beat the living daylights out of each other at least once a weak. This often occurs after a dispute over whether Gerrard and Lampard can coexist in Roy’s starting 11, or which company makes the best pork scratchings. Nevertheless, one can unreservedly declare that this marks a jolly good show for the blues, and a rather jammy coup for the average man.

Middle classes call for cuts to duty on films with subtitles and beards

In yesterday’s budget George Osborne announced a cut to the beer and bingo duty as a way of rewarding British people for their hard work. Working class people around the country have been in uproar after taking offence at having their hobbies reduced to pubs and mecca bingo. Middle class Britons have been equally critical of the announcement. Spokespeople for the British middle classes, the North London weekend Times columnists have labelled it unfair, as “everyone knows we don’t drink beer or go to the bingo.”

This has led to a petition, started by the Highgate Mumsnet forum, for the government to cut the duties on some things favoured by the middle classes, to reward the countries hard working journalists and graphic designers. Hummus was initially mooted as an option however it was rejected after being described as “a bit Tesco”. Other things in the shortlist included Mumford and Sons albums, quinoa, Danish crime dramas, and Boden polo shirts. However, it was ultimately decided that a cut in the duties on Films with Subtitles and beards would be most beneficial.

Highgate Mumsnet spokesperson yummy_mummy_1978 explained the reason for each choice, “As everyone knows, middle class people enjoy going to see really complicated foreign films with subtitles, which are often more expensive than Vue. A cut in this duty will help support the boring film industry. Also, the recent rise in the beard tax has really affected our husbands who are all working hard on their Glastonbury mutton chops.”

A government spokesperson is expected to comment later today.

 

Sophie Gadd

Gove’s secret identity revealed

Michael Gove has been revealed to be Katie Hopkins in disguise. This is all a very real possibility and sources have confirmed that it is as veritable as Gove’s claims to the role of Education Secretary. Hopkins is being heralded as the next George Eliot although she wants us to know that she could, obviously, have gotten to that position in parliament without adopting a persona. Her status as a woman and single mother puts her at no disadvantage in society whatsoever. However her new gagging order (an accidental signing of a legal document telling her to shut up) means that she now feels it is time to expose her dual identity.

 
The tip off came when Gove (Hopkins) announced that working class children need to start becoming more cultural to fit themselves into middle class settings. This is necessary for them to “get on in life”. British lower classes are, embarrassingly, not middle class enough. We would also like to point out that the working classes have proved themselves completely unable to have exactly 1.8 children. How hard is it to achieve the national average? Katie is not being unreasonable.

 
After this it became blinding obvious what has been going on. Both have opinions which no one seems to agree with but which recent studies carried out by Katie’s manager suggest everyone is secretly in favour of. So secretly in fact that we have no way of knowing ourselves whether or not we agree. Amazing. Both are undeniable national treasures. Both have been put down by the left wingers who just want our children to grow up spitting in the street and scowling at M&S asparagus. What do you mean it tastes the same as Tesco value? Disgusting.

 
Hopkins has got excellent potential for the future and we can probably expect to see a multitude of different identities. But none named after places. Apart from India, which doesn’t count as it is a reference to her favourite food.

BBC to Axe Comedians

axe

Today the BBC’s Director General Tony Hall announced that BBC 3 is to be axed and all comedy staff are to be executed. This controversial decision has arisen as a result of the increasing costs of running a multinational broadcasting service, and the cuts will save around £30 million a year. The beheadings will take place in 2015 and the role of executioner is expected to be chosen from the pool of applicants to the BBC Apprenticeship scheme.

This isn’t the first time the BBC have come under fire for attacking comedians. Many have claimed that the broadcasting service has been attempting to kill comedy for years – mainly by showing nothing but wall to wall panel shows and Mrs. Brown’s Boys. In light of these previous offences, many soon-to-be-deceased comedians have voiced strong disapproval of the plan. “Personally, I’m outraged,”  said Phil Travis, who is currently shackled within the Tower of London, “I honestly don’t understand how they expect aspiring writers and stand-ups to get their name out there. They believe it’s too big a risk to show them on BBC 1 and 2, yet they are unwilling to provide a way to for us to prove ourselves – BBC 3, and being alive, is a perfect way to do so.” Mr. Travis was going to make further comments, but the interview soon tailed off into screams.

Despite mounting criticism, the Director General remains resolute and released this statement on the matter, “Up and coming comedians have incredibly expensive ideas like full sets, and sketch shows, and actors. To be quite frank, we can’t afford it. It’s much cheaper just to use a pool of the same 10 comedians, and have them recycle old material sitting behind a long table.” 


Although the beheadings are scheduled for 2015, a multitude of promises have been made to compensate for the loss of the comedy department. These plans include the introduction of a BBC+1 channel and an extra hour of broadcasting for CBBC. Some have pointed out the former is pointless due to the existence of iPlayer, and the latter still leaves a significant gap in the adult viewing schedule, but the public have been assured that this is “Definitely a good use of your money.”


Nevertheless, with a large number of comedians about to meet their demise, the director general has assured that the tenuous axe pun will be ‘the final joke told on the BBC.’

Gabriel Bramley

 

Twitter Lie Detector Unveiled

Pheme, a new lie detector, is coming to twitter. Following the shocking news that people do not always tell the truth on the internet, an EU-funded international team is setting up a system to rate the truthfulness of a tweet. We feel that it is only fair that this useful tool be applied to other areas. Coming soon:

- A filter detector for Instagram
- A gay detector for Grindr
- A desperation detector for Tinder (searches for terms such as “my friend made the account for me!!” “the baby pictured is not mine!”)
- A real-life friend detector for Facebook
- A Daily Mail reader detector for the Guardian commentisfree section
- An embarrassing pun detector for Vision

In addition to these there are rumours that a detector to find Hes East is in production. Experts have debunked these rumours however, claiming “finding Hes East is just scientifically implausible”

Eleanor Mason

What are you giving up for Lent?

To mark the coming (and passing) of Shrove Tuesday and the beginning of Lent, The Lemon Press have interviewed lots of different, men, women, children, and anthropomorphic beings to ask them ‘What have you given up for Lent?’

The results have been mixed:

Alumni member Peter Hitchens is giving up first class smeghead-ery and instead focusing on the finer things in life, like watercolours, gardening, and planning his upcoming Neknominate video.

Ukraine has given up control of the Crimea, and has commented that if this goes well and Mother Russia feels generous enough it might get it back at the end.

Michael Gove has given up what little knowledge he has of how to be Minister of Education and instead is just going to use the ‘dart board approach’ to policy ideas. Critics have predicted that policy quality will increase substantially during this period.

Willow is giving up its prawn crackers to the cheers of the masses and the cries of the regulars. Willow was said to find this ‘a necessary change’ to escape the encroaching health and safety inspectors.

Argath the Devourer has given up his intention to subjugate the university after not being included in the nominations for Welfare Officer. Instead he has begun a series of daemonic summoning rituals to destroy campus from within. Hopes of summoning Dark Apostle Piers Morgan to do a talk called “How to be successful in US media” have been positively received by Morgan, who said ‘I am just looking for any line of work, I might even consider doing a series on Dave.’

YUSU has given up name based puns for the next 40 days in the hope that English students will not burn down the campus in a frenzy of hate over all of the bad writing techniques displayed during election week.

The internet has rescinded any forlorn attempt to limit the spread of ‘Doge’ by introducing the Dogecoin. Such wow, much money is expected as a result. Other effects of this might include the lynching of the inventor for delivering such a plague upon the internet by the apathetic masses.