Realism Revolution in Toy Industry – PTSD Joe Leads Charge

It is without a doubt that despite the size -4 waisted Barbie being a monolithic cultural figure, her biologically implausible body has been a social justice killing ground spanning over decades. However, now the ugly everyman stands triumphant and coincidentally, the accurate depiction of the human condition has become suspiciously pertinent to toy manufacturers. Most notable of these is the normal Barbie, Mattel’s newest release which occasionally forgets to wipe after pissing and suffers an implacable sense of existential dread like the rest of us plebs do.

However, rolling over the hill is Hasbro’s rival attempt to gain a stake in the realism monopoly with their effort, PTSD Joe. The beleaguered veteran comes with three customisable emotions: grim resignation, the thousand-yard stare and the look of harrowing memories creeping once more into his sleep, realising he will spend another night mournfully gazing at the ceiling. But the fun doesn’t stop there because PTSD Joe has up to 25 screams of fallen comrades etched forever into his memory and he lives them over and over again every time you pull the string in his back! Yet that’s still not all! Push the gun wound on his stomach and he will recite maudlin war poetry before using his karate chop action arm to hold the loaded service revolver against his skull!

Yes, we are living in a new age, but PTSD Joe wishes he didn’t live in it.

Empty bottle of whiskey accessory not included.
Remorseful glare emotion coming soon.

HALLOWEEN KKK MEMBERSHIP TRIPLES

 This Halloween has seen yet another rise in membership numbers for the KKK. Thousands took to the streets again this year in traditional white robes, with many children taking part in the demonstrations. The movement’s strange campaigning tactics, consisting of going round residential areas in the search for sweets, have baffled political analysts. “The broad focus of these demonstrations with no real targeted minority is incredibly out of character for the KKK,” said one expert, “They’ve made no press releases to confirm their complicity, but the protesters’ tendency to reject ‘dark’ chocolate means this must be a new form racially motivated confectionery rally.”

Child membership is becoming a major demographic

Child membership is becoming a major demographic

 

STUDENT WEARS INOFFENSIVE COSTUME – MEDIA OUTRAGED

 A York University student was spotted sporting a completely inoffensive costume with absolutely no reference to current affairs, prompting shock from the media and public. “It’s just so insensitive going round dressed as a vampire,” said a witness who asked to remain anonymous. “What if little kids saw, what kind of impressions do you think it would have on them?” “I mean, I just don’t get it,” said another source, “Why do young people, particularly students, feel the need to constantly push the boundaries of good taste? What’s wrong with dressing up as a Jimmy Savile or putting on an SS uniform like the good old days? My youngest and her friend are trick-or-treating as Myra Hindley and Ian Brady, a timeless classic!”

The Tab saves York

“By the seventh day God completed His work which He had done, and He rested on the seventh day”. However, on that seventh day, student media had already descended into error strewn diatribes on the state of Courtyard and a myriad of duck jokes. God’s work was not done. He had one more task. He had to create a hero. He had to save student media. So on the eighth day, he unveiled his greatest work yet – The Tab (as reported by the Tab).

While the lovably sensationalist Vision and the diligent Nouse have dominated student media, it now appears that this will all change. As the Tab York prepares to open those most holy gates of click-bait, it has emerged that the new media outlet is set to overthrow the established titans of York media with a simple change to how the news is reported.

Yes readers, we’ve all been fooled and beguiled. With one alteration, York media will cast off its shackles and embrace a new age of reporting. For too long, York media has been overly concerned with reporting what actually happens.

The Tab seeks to remedy the heinous error. Why report actual news when you can make it up? A respected student editor having a threesome with two middle age women? Fantastic! An interview with Cthulu? Why not? David Cameron is actually an alien? Sounds exemplary!

As lowly peons only fit to stand in the shadow of this revolutionary publication, we may not fully understand or appreciate this reformation in reporting. However, dear reader, what we must respect is that Tab journalists are better than us. They have to patronize and lie to us – why would we understand? We should be glad our haughty overlords don’t order us to commit ritual suicide on the spot – or maybe they could just report that it’s already happened. That would solve the problem.

No, we are only here as low functioning views with legs. With all the grace and poise of an autistic crab, we amble through life with our only purpose being to click, click and click on those Tab articles.

So, next time you do see a Tab article, please acquiesce to your base, animalistic instinct and click on the link like the drooling zombie the Tab needs you to be. We all just need to remember – they’re better than us.

Blood God Khorne Named as New Middle East Peace Envoy

Amidst Tony Blair’s ascension to the role of Middle East peace envoy, there have been concerns about his dedication to extolling the virtues of wanton bloodshed. This has all come to a head in the last few days, as the world governments issued their ultimatum to the former prime minister, which finally showed him out the door for not being ‘enthusiastic enough’ about initiating new conflicts.

529406-albaniaHowever, the days of peace shall soon be behind us as the UN announced the position has been allocated to resident of the skull throne, Khorne. When the news of the promotion reached his necklace strung from Iraqi ears, he immediately decapitated our reporter and issued the following statement: “THE END TIMES ARE FINALLY UPON US – THIS WORLD SHALL BE WREATHED IN HOLY FIRE. WE SHALL DANCE UPON THEIR SKULLS. KILL IN MY NAME! KILL!”. Given the trajectory indicated by that address, we predict the new envoy shall win the Nobel peace prize within the year.

YUSU Sense of Humour to Shut Down

It is with a heavy heart that we must announce the death of YUSU’s ability to create mirth. Although it is an immense loss to the university, we can rest easy the frail creature is no longer suffering. Ever since birth, the runty and pusillanimous beast had been incarcerated in the intensive care unit, but it was only recently it’s condition worsened to a critical state as symptoms of unironic ice bucket challenges were found in it’s mucus. Clearly suffering, YUSU took the mercy of removing it’s life support, but not before the homunculus could offer one final, pathetic wheeze. Below, we have delineated it’s last will and the responses from YUSU president, Belfast Pete:

“I want… I want you to fake something…”
“But my poor son, I already faked being a decent human being to get this job”
“No… I mean… It’ll be a right chuckle… Fake… A bar closure”
“But, how?”
“Justify it with… *COUGH* … realistic excuses, make sure it’s one the students like and fresher’s won’t get…”
“But that’s not a joke monster, that’s just lying.”
“Come on… Think of all the people that will laugh…”
“Plus, can’t everyone just go to the other one anyway?”
“Listen… People will laugh… Like they laughed at the rest of our jokes”
“I wish we suffocated you with a pillow a decade ago”

Being a loving father, Cork Pat immediately set to enact his child’s dying wish in true YUSU style ie. consummate incompetence. First of all, he decided to infringe on Vision’s remaining journalistic integrity by promoting censorship for the sake of a stillborn joke. Then, after perhaps the most egregious and inane imposition of Orwellian regulation, he then leaked the story himself in what he thought was a Google search. Of course, wishing to preserve the authenticity of his hilarious gag, he proceeded to delete the comment but not before students managed to do the unexpected and use the hitherto unknown ability of reading.

Realising the beast had long since lost it’s mind, Dublin Rick will hopefully retract the pitiful death throes of the monster and finally accept YUSU’s inability to be funny.

RIP YUSU’s sense of humour, you were too good for this world. Or did it die, lol bantz YUSU got you again.

The Israeli Hanlon’s Razor: Incompetence Against Malice

Due to it’s recent actions in the Gaza region, Israel has come under heavier fire from the UN than a Palestinian hospital. In an effort to deflect the hand of international diplomacy hovering menacingly over their wrists, Israeli officials claim that any perceived atrocities in their campaign were the result of ‘a week of unfortunate accidents’. For example, it is not the responsibility of high ranking generals to ensure missile navigators are blessed with 20/20 vision. By extension, governmental accountability is diminished when health centres are confounded with ‘large tunnel shaped hospitals’.

Storming of civilian centres has also been widespread in the Israeli initiative, but these instances have also been attributed to their armed forces’ Pythonesque propensity for war crimes. Many officials blame the poor depth perception of their ground troops, which resulted in them being unable to distinguish between tunnel networks and the domiciles of non-belligerents. One sergeant says “Do you know how difficult it is to tell the difference between a house and an underground base? Or how easy it is to mistake a bomb vest for a pregnancy? You westerners seriously underestimate the logistics involved in discerning between active firearms and teddy bears”.

The defence secretary remains obstinate that their offensive is justified, and acts incredulous that the west is criticizing Israel’s suspicious dedication to the scheme. “I find it quite hard to believe that your nation’s are being so hideously inconsiderate for those who are perhaps a little less competent than the average person. Many of these citizens would find major difficulties finding jobs anywhere else – only so many positions are available at Russian SAM sites.”

GOVE MOVED TO CHIEF TWAT IN CABINET RESHUFFLE

Education Secretary Michael Gove is to become the Prime Minister’s new chief twat in a wide-ranging cabinet reshuffle ahead of next year’s general election. Gove will replace outgoing chief twat Sir George Young who was full of praise for his successor. ‘Michael has shown in his time as Education Secretary that he is the outstanding twat of his generation and undoubtedly the best candidate for the job’.

Chief twat is a more behind-the-scenes role for Gove that places him in charge of party discipline. Gove will be authorised to use any means at his disposal to ensure backbenchers vote as the Prime Minister wishes. Amongst Gove’s weaponry will be measures escalating from: a cup of tea with Michael Gove, tea and a biscuit with Michael Gove, tea and two biscuits with Michael Gove, culminating, in matters of the utmost disciplinary seriousness, in having to sit next to Gove for the duration of Prime Minister’s Questions whilst getting gently doused in the spittle of his fuming vehemence.

Such is Gove’s apparent suitability for the role that Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg appeared bemused as to why Gove had not been given the post from the start of the government’s term saying ‘there really aren’t many people that put Matthew Oakeshott into perspective’. The sentiment was echoed by Boris Johnson who commented ‘Cripes! What in Hades has taken poor old Dave this long to twig on to what is, after all, a pretty bloomin obvious actuality which is that Chummy Gove’s been the government’s chief blimmin Caligula in all but office for four years?! I mean what a divvy!

W Carne

Qatar 2022

5 bloody good reasons why FIFA were right to award Qatar the 2022 World Cup

The Sheikh himself

1)      It will improve the genetics of the human race. The World Cup is regularly a point of convergence for rotund, lolloping, sluggish excuses for men, cloaked in their national flags. The sweltering Arabian heat will melt this offal of society, leaving only the fittest, strongest and richest, infinitely augmenting our global gene pool. Moreover, the residual puddles of fat can be used to bolster the Middle East’s energy reserves.

2)      By 2022, Qatar will be annexed by Putin’s Russian Federation, and given that Russia are hosting 2018, all of the infrastructure will still be in place. This also gives Putin the opportunity to replace the Uruguayan football team with sleeper cells and infiltrate South America.

3)      It will make for a more morally upstanding World Cup. The days of England fans, sodden in cheap lager and running amuck in a foreign land are over. Qatari disciplinarians will see to it that all inebriated shenanigans are curtailed, and heinous crimes like ‘being a woman’ are put a stop to, for the greater good of football fans. There are whispers that SkyBet are offering a refund for all losing bets if more than 12 severed hands are brought to the attention of British consular services.

4)      It’s about time a country with such a vibrant and illustrious sporting history was recognised for its achievements. Sheikh Hamad bin Khalifa Al Thani reliably informs The Lemon Press that Qatar invented sport in 1952, peculiarly the same year that the Al Thani coup seized power. Most notable of the traditional Qatari sports are sand-throwing, patriarchy and oil-bathing.

5)      There will be no shortage of royal patronage at World Cup games. Sheikh Hamad’s 3 wives and 24 royal children mean that there will be a salubrious noble presence at all of the matches. As an added bonus, there’s no chance of a Prince Phillip style diplomatic gaff, because it’s illegal for over half of the Al Thani progeny to speak in public without express consent from a male relative!

World Cup Glory

In giddy anticipation of this summer’s impending carnival of ball kicking and illicit trafficking in Rio, The Lemon Press reporter and sports enthusiast without discernible talent, Tim Cloverley, holed himself up in a pub in town to capture some jumbled thoughts about the FIFA World Cup.

These responses were recorded verbatim from the gaping troughs of York’s most eminent football aficionados, the acrid whiff of piss-soaked corduroy trousers wafting into Tim’s nostrils as he frantically scribbled titbits and tips for the layman.

“England are going to bring it home.”

We speculate that he meant the World Cup, but also possibly a dozen venereal diseases and 12kg of cocaine hidden in the lining of Chris Smalling’s suitcase. Scholars at the University of Ladford calculated a 92% chance of World Cup victory. Lecturer John Smith qualified this: “Basically, the lads are going to do it for the gaffer. Woy’s chosen a side with pace, power, skill, footballing ability, technique, a winning mentality and skill”. England fans should therefore saunter into Rio with unbridled optimism and expect no less than triumphant glory.”

“We’ll end up going out on penalties to the Germans!”

If, by some ungodly fluke, our noble Lions should falter; and if that happens to be against the mechanically efficient Germans, remember that we retain the moral upper hand. Our Tommies romped their way to victory against the Kaiser and kept Fritz firmly in his place in the annals of history, and by jingo we’ll do it again!

“The squad is too bloody young!”

Bill Shankly once said that football was “not a matter of life and death”, but Hodgson’s squad selection has proved the great ex-Liverpool manager wrong. A decidedly young squad with the likes of Ross Barkley and Luke Shaw actually reveals the harsh realities of football. In actuality, the omission of the ‘Old Guard’ reflects rising energy costs and the fact that Ashley Cole and John Terry didn’t make it through a harsh winter. Our thoughts are with their families.