Satire
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Gotham City in Lockdown After First Coronavirus Case
Gotham City is the first U.S city to be put into lockdown following an outbreak of Coronavirus. Keen to contain the crisis, President Trump appointed a loyalist to control the outbreak: Bane. Bane is a rising star of the Republican Party, having attracted funding from the League of Shadows super PAC during his unsuccessful run […]
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A ‘Who’s Who’ of Democratic Presidential Candidates
In the United Kingdom’s never ending to crusade to become the 51st State of America, there’s more and more coverage of the 2020 presidential race than ever. This has led to ill-informed and baseless arguments in campus bars across York about individuals preferred democratic candidate, or even their support for the incumbent. So, allow me […]
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Coronavirus Comes to York After ‘Narrowly’ Missing Cambridge Offer
According to NHS England, there has been an outbreak of coronavirus in York. However, The Lemon Press has learned that York is, in fact, the virus’ ‘second choice’ of city after Cambridge. Despite giving a ‘promising’ interview, the virus ultimately failed to achieve its A*AA offer and its dreams of attending the prestigious institution. After […]
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MyUoY App Found to Insecurely Invade Students’ Privacy
The MyUoY app has been found to insecurely invade students’ privacy, according to a URYNews report. This is a clear disappointment to students who want their privacy to be invaded in a secure manner. That’s why I came to university after all. The MyUoY app promises new ways to track your every move. It wants […]
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ANALYSIS: Where Should the House of Lords Sit in York?
The Lords may be moving to York. It’s all part of a scheme to both reconnect with voters and justify the purchase of a quaint second/third/fourth home in York City Centre. I have conducted an exhaustive search of all the best places they could move — you could say I’m doing the Lord’s work. York Railway Station […]
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Swell in Number of Ditches Dug This Month
The number of ditches dug in the United Kingdom has gone up dramatically, according to analysis published today by the Department of Environment, Food and Rural Affairs. Across the country, more and more ditches are being dug in villages and rural areas of England and Wales, says a new DEFRA report. Analysts at DEFRA working […]
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As Johnson Promises a Golden Age, Will Our Civilisation Stand the Test of Time?
Boris Johnson has promised a ‘new Golden Age’ for the country. Speaking as the new Prime Minister to the House of Commons, Johnson told Members of Parliament that he was confident that national happiness would remain sufficiently high for enough turns to trigger a brief period of excellence. In this period, the new Prime Minister […]
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Boris Boost: Record Ice Cream Sales Dumbfound Naysayers
Johnson has been Prime Minister for only a day and yet we’re already seeing a ‘Boris Boost’. Sales of ice cream, fans, and one-way tickets to ‘literally anywhere else’ have soared since his appointment yesterday. This economic buoyancy is seen as a life raft for the new chancellor, Sajid Javid, who is rumoured to be […]
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Heatwave Just Divine Retribution for Boris Johnson
Sources close to Jesus claim that the recent wave of unpleasant hot weather sweeping the country and making life BLOODY UNBEARABLE GODDAMMIT WHY DOESN’T THIS COUNTRY HAVE AIR CONDITIONING is simply divine retribution for Boris Johnson becoming Prime Minister. Indeed, in a twist that will surprise no one, Our Heavenly Father (and Son — the Holy Spirit […]
