Satire
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An Interview with Gary, Lord of All Geese
On Wednesday, one of the campus correspondents for The Lemon Press was granted an exclusive interview with Gary, Lord of All Geese (GLAG) in Yorkshire and Surrounding Regions, who has recently taken up residence on Campus West of the University of York. TLP: Okay, so, first off, I have to say it’s an absolute honour […]
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Darth Vader Looking for ‘Young Musicians with Drive and Stardust’ to Boost the Death Star’s Eurovision Hopes
Are you an up-and-coming performer looking to showcase your talent to the whole galaxy? Have you got that unique shine which can showcase the rich culture of our beautiful metal battle station? Is the Force with you? If you answered yes to any of these questions then we need you! The Death Star’s Culture Minister […]
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15 Point Plan to Address University of York’s £15m Deficit
1. Close the two remaining receptions and replace all receptionists with YABBAtars (York Automated Bionic Buddy & Assistant). 2. Completely axe Open Door mental health support and sign post students to DeepSeek (open-source natural language chatbot) when they feel sad. 3. Design, print and deploy even more energy saving posters. 4. Buy and fly an […]
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Gotham City in Lockdown After First Coronavirus Case
Gotham City is the first U.S city to be put into lockdown following an outbreak of Coronavirus. Keen to contain the crisis, President Trump appointed a loyalist to control the outbreak: Bane. Bane is a rising star of the Republican Party, having attracted funding from the League of Shadows super PAC during his unsuccessful run […]
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A ‘Who’s Who’ of Democratic Presidential Candidates
In the United Kingdom’s never ending to crusade to become the 51st State of America, there’s more and more coverage of the 2020 presidential race than ever. This has led to ill-informed and baseless arguments in campus bars across York about individuals preferred democratic candidate, or even their support for the incumbent. So, allow me […]
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Coronavirus Comes to York After ‘Narrowly’ Missing Cambridge Offer
According to NHS England, there has been an outbreak of coronavirus in York. However, The Lemon Press has learned that York is, in fact, the virus’ ‘second choice’ of city after Cambridge. Despite giving a ‘promising’ interview, the virus ultimately failed to achieve its A*AA offer and its dreams of attending the prestigious institution. After […]
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MyUoY App Found to Insecurely Invade Students’ Privacy
The MyUoY app has been found to insecurely invade students’ privacy, according to a URYNews report. This is a clear disappointment to students who want their privacy to be invaded in a secure manner. That’s why I came to university after all. The MyUoY app promises new ways to track your every move. It wants […]
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ANALYSIS: Where Should the House of Lords Sit in York?
The Lords may be moving to York. It’s all part of a scheme to both reconnect with voters and justify the purchase of a quaint second/third/fourth home in York City Centre. I have conducted an exhaustive search of all the best places they could move — you could say I’m doing the Lord’s work. York Railway Station […]
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Swell in Number of Ditches Dug This Month
The number of ditches dug in the United Kingdom has gone up dramatically, according to analysis published today by the Department of Environment, Food and Rural Affairs. Across the country, more and more ditches are being dug in villages and rural areas of England and Wales, says a new DEFRA report. Analysts at DEFRA working […]
