Tragedy: Your Worst Enemy Is Also Surviving Through a Global Pandemic 

Sit down for this one, because we have received some troubling news: it turns out that, alongside most people in the world, your worst enemy has worked and lived through a global pandemic. The story broke amidst inspiring stories about how everyone has been dealing with the unusual events of the past year, with a source close to the story saying, ‘It’s amazing enough that you are surviving through a global pandemic that nobody expected or has lived through before, but then again Steve is also doing the exact same thing and he’s a cunt. So if that makes you strong then it also makes Steve strong, when he clearly wasn’t strong enough to not sleep with your ex three days after you broke up.’

Insiders suggested your worst enemy also coped with the lockdown in annoying similar yet worse ways, like making banana bread but only using the first recipe that they found because they are a lazy corner-cutting shit who always wanted to take the easy way to things like his ‘third date surprise’ literally just being a fucking Big Mac and Netflix after you spent hours organising the first two. You and him having such a shared experience does create a troubling precedent where you may have to feel good about your achievements in their own rights, rather than in comparison to someone else’s. However, you can instead take comfort from the fact the two of you did not go through this pandemic on equal footing, as experts have hypothesized that Steve could have purchased some additional mental strength from that money you lent him 5 years ago and never got back.

There is an upside to this though, as now you can revel in the sense of superiority that their lockdown was made worse by them hurting over missing you every day… Probably. I bet in that engagement photo there’s a secret sign of his laughable longing for you, if you look at it for the thousandth time I’m sure you’ll find it.