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Scientists Predict Sharp Birth Rate Decline Following Coldplay Announcement

January 13, 20221 minute read

Bad news sex-havers, Coldplay have just announced they’ll stop recording more of their sweet baby-making music in 2025.The stocking filler of getting filled, Chris Martin’s dulcet tones have been setting the sex scene for over 20 years. Now we’ll only have three more sensual overloads of albums before Martin finishes.

Following the release of Fix You, hospitals were inundated with new babies nine months later. Hearing that the band’s hospital-busting days are nearing their end, fans are despondent. Scientists are already predicting the birth rate will take a pounding as a post-Martin malaise hits middle England’s shores.

A lifelong fan told us, ‘Martin’s got staying power and his music gives me that too.’ Coldplay is like viagra for middle-aged middle class businessman, essentially it is viagra. It’s rumoured the next three albums are to borrow from Swift’s success and be Martin’s versions of their older songs. Viva La Vida (Martin’s Version) promises to be the ultimate sex playlist staple. Tuck it between Tove Lo and the shipping forecast and you might just finish us all off.

Will

Written by Will

Several hundred TLP articles deep, there’s no escape at this point. He's your secretary which means he sends a little nugget of joy to your email every week.

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