Mr Speaker: Boris you have the floor. Boris: MP’s unclog your waxy, hairy earholes, I have some Earl Grey tea to spill! Rishi Sunak: If it’s not to do with how to get red peppers at Waitrose again, then I don’t care. Boris: You little wanker. You don’t give a flying fuck about anyone in […]

Yes. My mate Terry told me his Aunt Sarah got a whatsapp which said Keir Starmer, in his position as Shadow Prime Minister, absolutely banned you personally from masturbating. YOU, the reader. He said your name, he said your address, he’s seen your search history and he’s not impressed. He showed it to your mum. […]

As the Tories approach yet another leadership election, The Lemon Press can take you through all of the candidates. Or you could go to Nisa, buy a bottle of the cheapest most vile whisky you find, down it, and then break all the walls in Derwent in an attempt to get the asbestos to kill […]

In an effort to reach out and increase support among the hardcore gamers of Sweden, Magdalena Andersson of the Social Democrats attempted a speedrun of being Prime Minister. She was declared Prime Minister at 10:00 and finished her term as Prime Minister at 16:00.  It is unclear what the effect will be because this is […]

Due to recent arguments within the Conservative Party, a group of Conservative MPs have decided to break away from the Tory party and indeed politics altogether to form a TikTok Content House. The move is rumoured to have been led by Michael Gove who made the decision for this career change a little while after […]

Marred by rumours that a charity foundation may not be completely devoted to giving the highest possible amount of money to those who need it, the Captain Tom Foundation is closing down and putting some of their vast range of products on sale. Here is an exclusive look at some products you will soon be […]

Bad news sex-havers, Coldplay have just announced they’ll stop recording more of their sweet baby-making music in 2025.The stocking filler of getting filled, Chris Martin’s dulcet tones have been setting the sex scene for over 20 years. Now we’ll only have three more sensual overloads of albums before Martin finishes. Following the release of Fix […]

In the holiday season spirit the government has promised that the war on Christmas will be over by Christmas.  The promise that the war will be over soon will be made considerably easier to achieve by the fact that it doesn’t actually exist.  In order to end the war on Christmas the government will seek […]

George Washington – Due to the time constraints of musical theatre, the show ‘Hamilton’ had to regrettably cut out two major historical elements: the slave-owning history of most of the protagonists, and the throatgoatiness of George Washington. The first President achieved so much that his status as ‘the Footlong Father’ has been buried in the […]

The journalist and BBC correspondent Martin Bashir has confessed that large parts of the Twitch.tv footage used to obtain an interview with Princess Diana was faked, admitting that the late Princess of Wales would never use such vile language while gaming. In the famous interview, Bashir asked if Diana regretted her choice of words during […]