Will Rowan
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Love York Branding Pulled After Everyone Who Loves York Dies in Freak Accident
The Lemon Press is saddened to report that YUSU’s Love York branding campaign is being retired after every last person who loves York died last night. It’s believed the sudden mass death can be traced back to last year’s Love York Awards. A police source told The Lemon Press that ‘what did they expect? They […]
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Scientists Predict Sharp Birth Rate Decline Following Coldplay Announcement
Bad news sex-havers, Coldplay have just announced they’ll stop recording more of their sweet baby-making music in 2025.The stocking filler of getting filled, Chris Martin’s dulcet tones have been setting the sex scene for over 20 years. Now we’ll only have three more sensual overloads of albums before Martin finishes. Following the release of Fix […]
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Joe Pesci Confirms He’s Legally Allowed To Try to Enter Your House If You Leave it Vacant For More Than 15 Minutes
Joe Pesci has confirmed he has full legal rights to attempt to enter your house if it’s left unattended for 15 minutes. This relies on the same precedent that allows you to leave a class if the teacher does not arrive within 15 minutes. It’s a revelation that’s spun local Facebook groups into overdrive. Despite […]
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CONFIRMED: Jousting Is Just Misunderstood Sounding With a Massive Rod
Panic in jousting land as the age-old sport has been revealed to be one of the earliest examples of sounding. The sport has since evolved into a game of knocking each other off their horses with their jousting rod, a far cry from the tradition of getting each other off with a sounding rod. A […]
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University of York Introduce the YorSleeve Scheme
Following the stunning success of the YorCup scheme, Eat at York are to trial a brand new YorSleeve scheme. Students will be able to reduce the use of disposable sleeves across campus by using University of York branded fleshlight sleeves. A blog post calls this ‘an environmentally friendly option you can use when you’re at […]
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Men I Can Fix
I believe I can fix all of the following men. Arthur Fleck: Behind the makeup and concerning behaviour, I see a diamond in the rough here. I’d start by helping Arthur channel his energies into his standup routine; it’s an act ripe for development and ComedySoc are just the group to nurture him. Soon enough […]
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Freshers Sent to Kabul
With accommodation in York full, freshers are set to be sent to Kabul. The University have secured space for over a hundred students in a hotel near Hamid Karzai International Airport. Shockingly, local accommodation was largely unbooked even at this time of year. Regular shuttle helicopters will take off from the hotel’s roof from dusk […]
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Students Sent to Hole in Accomodation Crisis
The latest accommodation blunder has seen freshers being sent to Hole rather than Hull. A disastrous series of events left York’s ‘holepilled’ crisis team hammering out a deal with The University of Hole rather than The University of Hull. Students will find themselves in their brand new accommodation block: The Hole. It consists of a […]
