Lemon Press Writers
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An Interview with Gary, Lord of All Geese
On Wednesday, one of the campus correspondents for The Lemon Press was granted an exclusive interview with Gary, Lord of All Geese (GLAG) in Yorkshire and Surrounding Regions, who has recently taken up residence on Campus West of the University of York. TLP: Okay, so, first off, I have to say it’s an absolute honour […]
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Darth Vader Looking for ‘Young Musicians with Drive and Stardust’ to Boost the Death Star’s Eurovision Hopes
Are you an up-and-coming performer looking to showcase your talent to the whole galaxy? Have you got that unique shine which can showcase the rich culture of our beautiful metal battle station? Is the Force with you? If you answered yes to any of these questions then we need you! The Death Star’s Culture Minister […]
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Gnarly Waves and Ukrainian Graves: The Race to the Bottom of the Ocean
This week, wave after wave of drone strikes bombarded the Ukraine leading to an amount of deaths that we will leave to the editor to accurately detail. Disclaimer: this is bad Which left our writers wondering who’s going to win the mortal race to European oblivion, Putin or prospective Atlantean style Climate change. As the […]
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Uni of York Band ’The Jefferies’ Release Debut Album
The up-and-coming UoY indie-rock band The Jefferies released their eagerly anticipated debut album on Friday. The trio, all from James College, only formed in October 2023, but they have fast become the stars of the Campus music scene. Titled The DTEF Queen Is Dead, their first studio album explores the relationship between the built environment […]
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15 Point Plan to Address University of York’s £15m Deficit
1. Close the two remaining receptions and replace all receptionists with YABBAtars (York Automated Bionic Buddy & Assistant). 2. Completely axe Open Door mental health support and sign post students to DeepSeek (open-source natural language chatbot) when they feel sad. 3. Design, print and deploy even more energy saving posters. 4. Buy and fly an […]
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Harvey Dowdy, Former Director of DTEF, Plans a Cheese Pilgrimage
Harvey Dowdy, former director of the University of York’s Department of Technology, Estates and Facilities, will be embarking on several Bikexplore cycling tours across Yorkshire this year. Seeking “pleasure first and foremost”, Harvey’s cycling tours feature “excellent cafe stops and comfortable accommodation”. She’ll be cycling across the Vale of York, the Wolds and the North […]
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Lemonline – BREAKING NEWS – Archbishop of Canterbury who Refused to Allow Gay Marriage Resigns
Lemonline have received news that Justin Welby, Archbishop of Canterbury, has resigned after eleven years at the post. He will be undoubtedly remembered as the Archbishop who refused to allow the Church of England to perform same-sex marriage. Welby first became a priest in 1989, when he retired from his job as an executive at […]
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Parliament’s Anti-a-woke-ning
Mr Speaker: Boris you have the floor. Boris: MP’s unclog your waxy, hairy earholes, I have some Earl Grey tea to spill! Rishi Sunak: If it’s not to do with how to get red peppers at Waitrose again, then I don’t care. Boris: You little wanker. You don’t give a flying fuck about anyone in […]
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An Interview with My Microwave
I am early when I knock gently on the door. The door slowly swings open, glass smoky from years of use, and a voice coughs out, “Whatyouwant?” I have to say that I am taken aback, perhaps even slightly scared, but I power on. ME: “Hi, I’m here for the interview?” MICROWAVE: “Oh. Yeah. Take […]
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The Most Ironic Sports Stars’ Middle Names
Kurt Happy Zouma – The average centre-back and professional foot-cat player, Kurt Zouma’s recent, umm, “incident” is made much funnier by the fact that his actual middle name at birth was “Happy”. Something that poor cat probably wasn’t. It does also make him potentially the perfect person to cast in the upcoming live-action “Snow White” […]
