Lemon Press Writers
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Gnarly Waves and Ukrainian Graves: The Race to the Bottom of the Ocean
This week, wave after wave of drone strikes bombarded the Ukraine leading to an amount of deaths that we will leave to the editor to accurately detail. Disclaimer: this is bad Which left our writers wondering who’s going to win the mortal race to European oblivion, Putin or prospective Atlantean style Climate change. As the […]
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Uni of York Band ’The Jefferies’ Release Debut Album
The up-and-coming UoY indie-rock band The Jefferies released their eagerly anticipated debut album on Friday. The trio, all from James College, only formed in October 2023, but they have fast become the stars of the Campus music scene. Titled The DTEF Queen Is Dead, their first studio album explores the relationship between the built environment […]
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Lemonline – BREAKING NEWS – Archbishop of Canterbury who Refused to Allow Gay Marriage Resigns
Lemonline have received news that Justin Welby, Archbishop of Canterbury, has resigned after eleven years at the post. He will be undoubtedly remembered as the Archbishop who refused to allow the Church of England to perform same-sex marriage. Welby first became a priest in 1989, when he retired from his job as an executive at […]
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Parliament’s Anti-a-woke-ning
Mr Speaker: Boris you have the floor. Boris: MP’s unclog your waxy, hairy earholes, I have some Earl Grey tea to spill! Rishi Sunak: If it’s not to do with how to get red peppers at Waitrose again, then I don’t care. Boris: You little wanker. You don’t give a flying fuck about anyone in […]
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An Interview with My Microwave
I am early when I knock gently on the door. The door slowly swings open, glass smoky from years of use, and a voice coughs out, “Whatyouwant?” I have to say that I am taken aback, perhaps even slightly scared, but I power on. ME: “Hi, I’m here for the interview?” MICROWAVE: “Oh. Yeah. Take […]
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The Most Ironic Sports Stars’ Middle Names
Kurt Happy Zouma – The average centre-back and professional foot-cat player, Kurt Zouma’s recent, umm, “incident” is made much funnier by the fact that his actual middle name at birth was “Happy”. Something that poor cat probably wasn’t. It does also make him potentially the perfect person to cast in the upcoming live-action “Snow White” […]
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Modern Chess Openings
Ruy Lopez [1. e4 e5 2. Nf3 Nc6 3. Bb5] A classic opening, you can’t go too wrong with this one. Played by all the top-level players. Will hold you in good stead for the middle and endgames. Nimzo-Indian Defence [1. d4 Nf6 2. c4 e6 3. Nc3 Bb4] A solid and inoffensive opening. For […]
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NFTs to Target a New Audience
In an innovative marketing decision NFTs are to target a bold new audience in the form of “LFT”s. As opposed to previous Non-Fungible Tokens these “Less-Fungible Tokens” will avoid the dastardly ctrl+c and ctrl+v that has swindled many an innocent cryptobro out of their hard-earned cartoon monkey photo by doing the unthinkable – creating physical […]
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The Worst Perfumes To Mask Your Musk
Eau de Fomite: If you are bored of feeling too sterile, have no fear as this perfume, filled with titillating infectious organisms, will put your mind at ease. Chanel N°19: Probably not the best name Chanel has ever thought of given the circumstances, but good on them for being able to count! YSl Omicron: Famous […]
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5 Simple Steps For Males To Dominate A Fire
Listen up lads, we understand. You’re out camping, and there’s a fire going. The tribal instinct to obsess and poke the fire springs to life as if you were Satan himself. But let’s be honest, no ones knows how to properly start and maintain a fire and as soon as you leave the campsite you […]
