Lemon Press Writers
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Top Five Chess Positions That Will Make Him Cum Ten Times Harder
Confused trying to remember numerous openings? Does your endgame leave more to be desired? Well look no further! Here are five chess positions to add to your repertoire which will be sure to get him gushing. 1. c4. The English opening may be a little bit unorthodox, but it is straight to the point. ‘Oi […]
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Parliament’s Anti-a-woke-ning
Mr Speaker: Boris you have the floor. Boris: MP’s unclog your waxy, hairy earholes, I have some Earl Grey tea to spill! Rishi Sunak: If it’s not to do with how to get red peppers at Waitrose again, then I don’t care. Boris: You little wanker. You don’t give a flying fuck about anyone in […]
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An Interview with My Microwave
I am early when I knock gently on the door. The door slowly swings open, glass smoky from years of use, and a voice coughs out, “Whatyouwant?” I have to say that I am taken aback, perhaps even slightly scared, but I power on. ME: “Hi, I’m here for the interview?” MICROWAVE: “Oh. Yeah. Take […]
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The Most Ironic Sports Stars’ Middle Names
Kurt Happy Zouma – The average centre-back and professional foot-cat player, Kurt Zouma’s recent, umm, “incident” is made much funnier by the fact that his actual middle name at birth was “Happy”. Something that poor cat probably wasn’t. It does also make him potentially the perfect person to cast in the upcoming live-action “Snow White” […]
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Modern Chess Openings
Ruy Lopez [1. e4 e5 2. Nf3 Nc6 3. Bb5] A classic opening, you can’t go too wrong with this one. Played by all the top-level players. Will hold you in good stead for the middle and endgames. Nimzo-Indian Defence [1. d4 Nf6 2. c4 e6 3. Nc3 Bb4] A solid and inoffensive opening. For […]
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NFTs to Target a New Audience
In an innovative marketing decision NFTs are to target a bold new audience in the form of “LFT”s. As opposed to previous Non-Fungible Tokens these “Less-Fungible Tokens” will avoid the dastardly ctrl+c and ctrl+v that has swindled many an innocent cryptobro out of their hard-earned cartoon monkey photo by doing the unthinkable – creating physical […]
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The Worst Perfumes To Mask Your Musk
Eau de Fomite: If you are bored of feeling too sterile, have no fear as this perfume, filled with titillating infectious organisms, will put your mind at ease. Chanel N°19: Probably not the best name Chanel has ever thought of given the circumstances, but good on them for being able to count! YSl Omicron: Famous […]
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5 Simple Steps For Males To Dominate A Fire
Listen up lads, we understand. You’re out camping, and there’s a fire going. The tribal instinct to obsess and poke the fire springs to life as if you were Satan himself. But let’s be honest, no ones knows how to properly start and maintain a fire and as soon as you leave the campsite you […]
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Swedish Party Leader’s Prime Ministerial Speedrun
In an effort to reach out and increase support among the hardcore gamers of Sweden, Magdalena Andersson of the Social Democrats attempted a speedrun of being Prime Minister. She was declared Prime Minister at 10:00 and finished her term as Prime Minister at 16:00. It is unclear what the effect will be because this is […]
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Conservative MPs Form a Tiktok Hype House
Due to recent arguments within the Conservative Party, a group of Conservative MPs have decided to break away from the Tory party and indeed politics altogether to form a TikTok Content House. The move is rumoured to have been led by Michael Gove who made the decision for this career change a little while after […]
