Dan Saxotweet
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Oppenheimer To Feature Main Character Having Panic Attack
In inspiring scenes for men’s mental health, Christopher Nolan has announced that the film Oppenheimer will feature a main character having a panic attack – and The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal that the character having it is in fact the atomic bomb! “Delivering a climactic payload at an important moment with someone watching can […]
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Who Do SABBs Want To Be The Next Prime Minister?
Pssssssst, keep this to yourself, but I saw a rumour deep online that Boris Johson has resigned as Prime Minister. My thoughts are only with those who are suffering most due to this. No, not his unspecified number of children, or those who have suffered as a result of the countless scandals that 50+ government […]
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Reasons I Can Fix The Biggest Worm From ‘Dune’
The biggest worm in ‘Dune’, one of the most visually-recognisable antagonists from any film this year. He’s a silent, borderline-Lovecraftian force of nature, but like so many damaged people I believe he is just one caring ear and tender embrace away from being fixed. I can fix him, and here’s the reasons why. 1 – […]
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Report: Another Terrible Year For Horse Worms
Amidst the continued popularity of Ivermectin to treat COVID-19, the horse worm community is set to enter a third year of record deaths and unemployment. Speaking exclusively to The Lemon Press from an undisclosed location, Arnold Redworm said ‘it has been an absolutely devastating time for all of us. Naturally when the pandemic first began […]
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Captain Tom Foundation Closing Down Sale
Marred by rumours that a charity foundation may not be completely devoted to giving the highest possible amount of money to those who need it, the Captain Tom Foundation is closing down and putting some of their vast range of products on sale. Here is an exclusive look at some products you will soon be […]
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Panopto Captions Actually Cry For Help
The University of York community was in shock today after it was discovered the Panopto captions were actually typed out by a manusing the service to send help messages. The service, just assumed to be using a standard auto-captioning system that wasn’tparticularly fit for the purpose of online learning or assisting the hearing impaired, was […]
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York Tories Accidently Host Fox Bunting Social
Blaming a rare typo on their weekly newsletter, the University of York Conservatives were forced this week to host a fox-bunting crafting social. A spokesperson for the York Tories exclusively told Nouse that ‘our committee always strive to communicate clearly with the regular plebs below us in our society, however when writing the announcement of […]
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Things in York That I Could Take In a Fight
For legal reasons, everyone in this was the one initiating the fight, this is just my view from the perspective of self defense. The Ruddy Shelduck – I’m not messing around here, one kick and that thing is done for, I don’t care about its status, in a combat situation I will strike any waterfowl […]
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Inhabitant of Dying Planet Celebrates Exam Results With Pathetic Tiny Treat
Whilst scientist released a report predicting societal collapse in the event of extreme climate change, local York student Devon McAllister celebrated getting an ultimately-meaningless mark on his Quantum Chemistry exam paper by getting an underwhelming takeaway in a move that experts are calling ‘a pathetic display of ignorance’. ‘I’m shocked, when I handed it in […]
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Places On Campus You Could Hide The Corpses of The Last Two Northern White Rhinos
I didn’t kill them. I just want to make that clear. I have never killed, injured or in any other way caused misfortune to the final pair of Northern White Rhinos in existence. However, in the unfortunate case that I or anyone reading this were to completely unintentionally slaughter those two beautiful, surprisingly-fragile-boned creatures, and […]
