Chris Small
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The Lemon Press Guide To The Tory Leadership Election
As the Tories approach yet another leadership election, The Lemon Press can take you through all of the candidates. Or you could go to Nisa, buy a bottle of the cheapest most vile whisky you find, down it, and then break all the walls in Derwent in an attempt to get the asbestos to kill […]
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11 Ways To Decorate Your Student House
Ok, you’ve been in your student house for a while, you’re all settled in but now you want to decorate and need ideas. Here’s the TLP guide to give you all the ideas you need to decorate your house. 1 – Leave mouldy cheese cuttings on the floor of your kitchen. Cut some mould off […]
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War on Christmas to be over by Christmas
In the holiday season spirit the government has promised that the war on Christmas will be over by Christmas. The promise that the war will be over soon will be made considerably easier to achieve by the fact that it doesn’t actually exist. In order to end the war on Christmas the government will seek […]
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Ministry of Levelling Up to Help Gamers
The first priority of Michael Gove’s newly renamed ministry will be to help gamers acquire experience in order to level up their characters in their video games. A crack team of civil servants have been tasked with learning how to become a gamer, by being sent to the basement, and being given an incredibly large […]
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US withdraw from Derwent College after failed 20 year war against Asbestos
The Biden administration has followed through with the deal the Trump administration struck with asbestos, to withdraw from Derwent college. The US invaded Derwent after the world trade centre was attacked, in order to end the threat asbestos presented to the United States and Derwent was known to be harbouring asbestos. The invasion involved all […]
