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Who Do SABBs Want To Be The Next Prime Minister?

Pssssssst, keep this to yourself, but I saw a rumour deep online that Boris Johson has resigned as Prime Minister. My thoughts are only with those who are suffering most due to this. No, not his unspecified number of children, or those who have suffered as a result of the countless scandals that 50+ government…

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Arts

Reasons I Can Fix The Biggest Worm From ‘Dune’ 

Dan Bennett | 2 minute read

The biggest worm in ‘Dune’, one of the most visually-recognisable antagonists from any film this year. He’s a silent, borderline-Lovecraftian force of nature, but like so many damaged people I believe he is just one caring ear and tender embrace away from being fixed. I can fix him, and here’s the reasons why.  1 –…

Joe Pesci Confirms He’s Legally Allowed To Try to Enter Your House If You Leave it Vacant For More Than 15 Minutes

Will Rowan | 1 minute read

Joe Pesci has confirmed he has full legal rights to attempt to enter your house if it’s left unattended for 15 minutes. This relies on the same precedent that allows you to leave a class if the teacher does not arrive within 15 minutes. It’s a revelation that’s spun local Facebook groups into overdrive. Despite…

Campus

Who Do SABBs Want To Be The Next Prime Minister?

Dan Bennett | 4 minute read

Pssssssst, keep this to yourself, but I saw a rumour deep online that Boris Johson has resigned as Prime Minister. My thoughts are only with those who are suffering most due to this. No, not his unspecified number of children, or those who have suffered as a result of the countless scandals that 50+ government…

Panopto Captions Actually Cry For Help

Dan Bennett | 3 minute read

The University of York community was in shock today after it was discovered the Panopto captions were actually typed out by a manusing the service to send help messages. The service, just assumed to be using a standard auto-captioning system that wasn’tparticularly fit for the purpose of online learning or assisting the hearing impaired, was…

Features

Aunty B – Issue 50

Lemon Press Writers | 2 minute read

The voices are getting louder. Sometimes, when we experience auditory hallucinations, we can worry for our sanity – but don’t worry, disembodied voices telling you to do horrific things is actually a completely normal side effect of reading The Lemon Press.  If these voices are starting to interfere with your life, the best way to…

Dear Aunty B – Freshers 2021

Lemon Press Writers | 2 minute read

I’m starting in September and I’m anxious about meeting my new flatmates. What if they don’t like me?  Standing face to face with a brand new person can be daunting. It might be easier to introduce yourself with a wall between you. Try cutting a hole in your bedroom wall and putting your hand through…

Lifestyle

The Worst Perfumes To Mask Your Musk

Lemon Press Writers | 2 minute read

Eau de Fomite: If you are bored of feeling too sterile, have no fear as this perfume, filled with titillating infectious organisms, will put your mind at ease. Chanel N°19: Probably not the best name Chanel has ever thought of given the circumstances, but good on them for being able to count! YSl Omicron: Famous…

5 Simple Steps For Males To Dominate A Fire

Lemon Press Writers | 2 minute read

Listen up lads, we understand. You’re out camping, and there’s a fire going. The tribal instinct to obsess and poke the fire springs to life as if you were Satan himself. But let’s be honest, no ones knows how to properly start and maintain a fire and as soon as you leave the campsite you…

News & Politics

The Lemon Press Guide To The Tory Leadership Election

Chris Small | 2 minute read

As the Tories approach yet another leadership election, The Lemon Press can take you through all of the candidates. Or you could go to Nisa, buy a bottle of the cheapest most vile whisky you find, down it, and then break all the walls in Derwent in an attempt to get the asbestos to kill…

Swedish Party Leader’s Prime Ministerial Speedrun

Lemon Press Writers | 1 minute read

In an effort to reach out and increase support among the hardcore gamers of Sweden, Magdalena Andersson of the Social Democrats attempted a speedrun of being Prime Minister. She was declared Prime Minister at 10:00 and finished her term as Prime Minister at 16:00.  It is unclear what the effect will be because this is…

Science & Tech

Report: Another Terrible Year For Horse Worms 

Dan Bennett | 2 minute read

Amidst the continued popularity of Ivermectin to treat COVID-19, the horse worm community is set to enter a third year of record deaths and unemployment. Speaking exclusively to The Lemon Press from an undisclosed location, Arnold Redworm said ‘it has been an absolutely devastating time for all of us. Naturally when the pandemic first began…

NFTs to Target a New Audience 

Lemon Press Writers | 2 minute read

In an innovative marketing decision NFTs are to target a bold new audience in the form of “LFT”s. As opposed to previous Non-Fungible Tokens these “Less-Fungible Tokens” will avoid the dastardly ctrl+c and ctrl+v that has swindled many an innocent cryptobro out of their hard-earned cartoon monkey photo by doing the unthinkable – creating physical…

Sports

The Most Ironic Sports Stars’ Middle Names

Lemon Press Writers | 2 minute read

Kurt Happy Zouma – The average centre-back and professional foot-cat player, Kurt Zouma’s recent, umm, “incident” is made much funnier by the fact that his actual middle name at birth was “Happy”. Something that poor cat probably wasn’t. It does also make him potentially the perfect person to cast in the upcoming live-action “Snow White”…

Modern Chess Openings

Lemon Press Writers | 2 minute read

Ruy Lopez [1. e4 e5 2. Nf3 Nc6 3. Bb5] A classic opening, you can’t go too wrong with this one. Played by all the top-level players. Will hold you in good stead for the middle and endgames. Nimzo-Indian Defence [1. d4 Nf6 2. c4 e6 3. Nc3 Bb4] A solid and inoffensive opening. For…

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