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7 Signs Your Exam Is Just a Prank by The Prank Patrol

Here they come, they’re on a roll, but are the Prank Patrol making a stop in YOUR house to prank you with a seemingly-impossible exam? Here are seven ways you can spot if your exam is just a harmless prank. 1 – Your friend is being overly nice and helpful, why are they doing that?…

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Arts

Joe Pesci Confirms He’s Legally Allowed To Try to Enter Your House If You Leave it Vacant For More Than 15 Minutes

Will Rowan | 1 minute read

Joe Pesci has confirmed he has full legal rights to attempt to enter your house if it’s left unattended for 15 minutes. This relies on the same precedent that allows you to leave a class if the teacher does not arrive within 15 minutes. It’s a revelation that’s spun local Facebook groups into overdrive. Despite…

‘Red’ (Taylor’s Version), Reviewed By A Guy Who Pretty Much Hasn’t Listened To Music For Fun In His Life

Dan Bennett | 11 minute read

This is not a bit. These are my genuine thoughts on the album, I wouldn’t normally listen but I felt left out on the tweets. First impressions – This is too long. 30 songs? I have not had 30 quality thoughts in my life, let alone enough to transform into 29 songs plus an additional…

Campus

Best Places To Lose Your Virginity Around York

Lemon Press Writers | 1 minute read

Greg’s Place: On the condition that it is with someone named Greg. Bonus points if it’s Greg Dyke.  York Minster Steps: Whole new meaning to ‘oh god’  Van Gogh Experience: Rub one off in Vincent’s face as a lifetime of rejection led him to the building you are in.  York Poundland: Clues in the name …

7 Signs Your Exam Is Just a Prank by The Prank Patrol

Dan Bennett | 3 minute read

Here they come, they’re on a roll, but are the Prank Patrol making a stop in YOUR house to prank you with a seemingly-impossible exam? Here are seven ways you can spot if your exam is just a harmless prank. 1 – Your friend is being overly nice and helpful, why are they doing that?…

Features

Aunty B – Issue 50

Lemon Press Writers | 2 minute read

The voices are getting louder. Sometimes, when we experience auditory hallucinations, we can worry for our sanity – but don’t worry, disembodied voices telling you to do horrific things is actually a completely normal side effect of reading The Lemon Press.  If these voices are starting to interfere with your life, the best way to…

Dear Aunty B – Freshers 2021

Lemon Press Writers | 2 minute read

I’m starting in September and I’m anxious about meeting my new flatmates. What if they don’t like me?  Standing face to face with a brand new person can be daunting. It might be easier to introduce yourself with a wall between you. Try cutting a hole in your bedroom wall and putting your hand through…

Lifestyle

11 Ways To Decorate Your Student House

Chris Small | 2 minute read

Ok, you’ve been in your student house for a while, you’re all settled in but now you want to decorate and need ideas.  Here’s the TLP guide to give you all the ideas you need to decorate your house. 1 – Leave mouldy cheese cuttings on the floor of your kitchen.  Cut some mould off…

Complete Guide To ILFs

Dan Bennett | 3 minute read

BILF – Bros; just because they’re your dudes, it doesn’t mean they can’t have big ILF energy. CILF – Centenarians, a kink that exploded after mega CILF Captain Tom. An entire nation jealous of a zimmer frame… DILF – Da’s, Dads and Daddies. These are three separate demographics, a Da is an older centrist, a…

News & Politics

Scientists Predict Sharp Birth Rate Decline Following Coldplay Announcement

Will Rowan | 1 minute read

Bad news sex-havers, Coldplay have just announced they’ll stop recording more of their sweet baby-making music in 2025.The stocking filler of getting filled, Chris Martin’s dulcet tones have been setting the sex scene for over 20 years. Now we’ll only have three more sensual overloads of albums before Martin finishes. Following the release of Fix…

War on Christmas to be over by Christmas

Chris Small | 1 minute read

In the holiday season spirit the government has promised that the war on Christmas will be over by Christmas.  The promise that the war will be over soon will be made considerably easier to achieve by the fact that it doesn’t actually exist.  In order to end the war on Christmas the government will seek…

Science & Tech

Help! We Showed Sigmund Freud The Internet and Now He’s Banned From r/Freud

Dan Bennett | 1 minute read

This is quite an embarrassing story for us really. We got together and brought Sigmund Frued back to life (please don’t ask, it’s a surprisingly boring story) just to see what his reaction would be to the internet. We know, it’s immature to dabble in necromancy, but we thought that we could get some funny…

Sports

Jake Paul Set To Fight The Demons In My Head

Dan Bennett | 2 minute read

Internet inevitably Jake Paul’s boxing career continues to grow as he picked his biggest opponent to date, agreeing to fight the voices in my head that are telling me I have failed at life for not being as successful as internet celebrities at their age. The fight was announced after my inner demons called out…

CONFIRMED: Jousting Is Just Misunderstood Sounding With a Massive Rod

Will Rowan | 1 minute read

Panic in jousting land as the age-old sport has been revealed to be one of the earliest examples of sounding. The sport has since evolved into a game of knocking each other off their horses with their jousting rod, a far cry from the tradition of getting each other off with a sounding rod. A…