Day 1. Morale is high, and numbers are good. We will show these UUK pig fuckers what we’re made of. A nice lady has just been round with some mugs of tea and words of encouragement. We have some jokers here who thought it’d be funny to play Vengaboys while York Vision were trying to record interviews. Bastards. Looks like morale is waning because of this utter betrayal.

Day 4. Supplies looking like they might be rationed. Someone floated the idea of ordering an Efes but we were gently reminded that we couldn’t possibly buy food from those capitalist swine. Looks like we’ll have to grow our own kale and wheatgrass and whip up some juice. York Vision are still here stinking up the place. The battery on our portable speaker is getting low, looks like we’ll have to turn off the Billy Bragg. Tensions are rising.

Day 13. Had a nice message from Jeremy Corbyn: ‘Keep up the good work guys! Sorry I can’t be there to support you but you know the whole Brexit thing is really taking up my time! *yawn* See you later!’ Food is scarce, the kale and wheatgrass farm isn’t taking like we thought it would. People are starting to look quite shifty, I’ve found myself an old chair leg which I reckon would make a good weapon. We’ll have to see what happens.

Day 15. God I’m hungry, so hungry. It’s been two days without food now, my vegan Doc Martens are starting to look pretty appetising now. It’s pretty cold too. We’ve set up a fire using someone’s Noam Chomsky book for kindling. He was pretty upset about it, there wasn’t much of a struggle though… He’s been dealt with.

Day 20. We’ve had a few people drop due to hunger. No matter. It’s survival of the fittest. We have a saying around here, ‘eat or get eaten’. Those who are too scared to eat their fellow man simply become part of the food chain. Means there’s more to go around.

Day 30. Only a few of us left now, we’ve probably lost half of those we had at the beginning. We’ve established a hierarchy based on who voted for whom in the Labour leadership election. Jeremy Corbyn voters are at the top, Andy Burnham comes next, then at the bottom we have Yvette Cooper scum. Liz Kendall voters get eaten.

Day 32. We realised our hierarchy system was flawed. Too many Corbynites around here. The communist league member appointed himself leader. Laughable. I took my make-shift weapon and bludgeoned him to death. I am now in charge.

Day 40. Just me left. The blood of my enemies lies in pools at my feet. Think I’m seeing things. Not sure. Tony Benn is still alive right? He came in to speak to me, let me have a go on his pipe. Told me to ‘continue in my struggle’. I will Tony, I will…

Day 45. I am naked. Sat rocking back and forth on the Heslington Hall reception. I am the UCU strike. We are one. I am the master. York Vision came in for a quote… ‘No comment’.

— Samuel Goodall