Tonight is Eurovision night, and in my house that means an evening of terrible singing and cringe-worthy performances overshadowed by bitter disputes and unspoken mutual hatred. Plus Eurovision will be on TV.

So here are five very specific better things to do than watch Eurovision.

1. Reconnect with your parents, John. 
Look John, I know that you fell out with your parents over the whole money thing. Yeah I know: it sucked that they gave Rick money for a Porsche instead of giving you money for a flat so you could come in off the streets. But you only get one family, and you can’t ignore them forever. They’re getting old and they miss you. Plus I think your dad has early-onset dementia, John. It was all Rick’s fault anyway, don’t blame them, John. Just turn up on their doorstep with some flowers (take some from a grave or something) and tell them you forgive them. Go on, John, it’s what a disgraced former member of the clergy ought to do.

2. Brian take the bin out for fucks sake. 
You’re a pig Brian Johnson you know that? You don’t work, you don’t clean, you don’t do anything. All you do all day is sit on your fat arse and eat pork scratchings. I wouldn’t still be with you if it wasn’t for the kids. They’re not even ours. Take the bin out or I’m leaving.

3. Bury it deeper Sue. 
We all know you like to keep a tidy home and a tidy life Sue. The boys are always neat, dinner on the table at 7pm sharp, and Chris always smiling by your side. But the body is buried a bit too close to the surface for comfort, Sue. A police dog could easily track that scent, and we don’t want that now do we.

4. Woof woof woof, woof woof. 
Woof woof woof woof, woof woof. Snarl. Woof woof woof woof, woof WOOF WOOF WOOOF, grrrrrrr, woof. Woof.

5. Give it back. 
Come on now, you know it’s not yours. Give it back. You know who you are. Give. It. Back.

— Myles Dunnett