Sources close to Jesus claim that the recent wave of unpleasant hot weather sweeping the country and making life BLOODY UNBEARABLE GODDAMMIT WHY DOESN’T THIS COUNTRY HAVE AIR CONDITIONING is simply divine retribution for Boris Johnson becoming Prime Minister. Indeed, in a twist that will surprise no one, Our Heavenly Father (and Son — the Holy Spirit is less bothered) are not fans of Mr Johnson, and have decided that the most effective way of punishing him (and sadly, us) is by forcing the country into temperatures hot enough to (hopefully) melt him, like the bumbling wax figure he resembles.

This is not the first case of divine retribution our great nation has experienced recently. In October, the country collectively shook in fear as devastating floods rocked the nation, in (this time pre-emptive) divine retribution for the last scandal caused by York Vision.

— Lucy Purkis Charters