According to NHS England, there has been an outbreak of coronavirus in York. However, The Lemon Press has learned that York is, in fact, the virus’ ‘second choice’ of city after Cambridge. Despite giving a ‘promising’ interview, the virus ultimately failed to achieve its A*AA offer and its dreams of attending the prestigious institution. After a meltdown on results day, it decided to embrace its second choice of York and to swap dreamy Cambridge courts for Derwent C block and PPE for PEP.

In an exclusive interview, the virus told us, ‘yeah, like, I wanted to go to Cambridge but I totally fucked my Maths exam. But it’s fine. I mean, like, Cambridge students just seem like wankers. And the people in York are just so chill. They’re all so down to earth and they all have such weak immune systems, I mean… really good vibes? And it’s still a Russell Group so at least there’s that, I guess’.

The virus maintains that it is ‘totally not bitter’ over its rejection from Cambridge and also that Cambridge can ‘go and do one’.

— Ashvini Rae