Despite a long, infamous history of eating dog, South Korean politics was united yesterday as five dogs were unanimously elected President. The move came in retaliation to being abandoned by their owner, Park Geun-hye, the prior leader of the nation. The five dogs, said to be coldly out for revenge despite their endearing appearance, had launched a presidential campaign that made history in being the swiftest political success in known memory. Animal lovers, sceptics, and even previously-enthusiastic eaters of dog meat rallied together in the streets in support of the candidates, chanting “WOOF! WOOF!” and donning animal ears to mark their allegiance.

The Lemon Press approached the new South Korean government for some kind of statement, but were unable to decipher the series of yips and whines received down the telephone. Several bilingual Golden Retrievers have been set to the case.

— Izzy Palmer