The Prime Minister and the Leader of the Opposition are to meet for ‘talks’ today in an attempt to break the Parliamentary Brexit deadlock, but The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal that they are going out on a date!

After years of negging, the two are finally acting on their love for each other: Theresa had a seven-hour Cabinet meeting just to gossip about him, where they eventually got her to ask him out! A friend of Jeremy (absolutely definitely not Seamus) said: ‘They’ve got so much in common, after all: old dogmatic ideology and a half-hearted approach to Brexit – but full-hearted for each other!’

They’ve been sparring back and forth across the dispatch box for years, gazing lustily into each other’s eyes as they shouted sweet nothings and repartees across the floor of the house. A senior clerk of the Commons told us ‘From what I hear, they’ve been wanting to do more than chunter from a sedentary position with each other for some time!’

Theresa’s been playing really hard to get for some time: she’s called him all sorts of things, from ‘a danger to national security’, to a Marxist, and unfit for office. He’s not been so kind either, calling her a ‘stupid woman’.

But the signs have been there all along, encoded in their insults! Back in the 2017 election, she said: ‘Jeremy Corbyn’s minders can put him into a smart blue suit for an interview with Jeremy Paxman — but with his position on Brexit, he will find himself alone and naked in the negotiating chamber of the European Union.’

She went on to say: ‘Now I know that’s an image that doesn’t bear thinking about.’ We know, hun! You don’t want him alone, you want to be with him — close friends of Theresa say she has a real desire to ‘leave her Customs Union with Philip and go back into the Single Market to get with Jez’.

Sources suggest their first date will be at a snazzy bar in Lancaster House, but home-cooked meals on subsequent dates might leave something to be desired: Theresa is well-known for her chicken lasagna with boiled potatoes, but sources tell me Jeremy is thinking of getting his big marrow out, just for her. Dinner parties hosted by the duo could be awkward, friends warn, saying that, ‘Jeremy is famous for loving hummus and his bowl of carrots, though he doesn’t like it when other people bring it up — and Theresa hates the stuff!’

Whatever happens in the future, we’re sure they’ll be between the manhole covers before long, crossing red lines and maybe even getting to know a Norway model together!

— Henry Dyer