SPANC 2019: Welcome Transcript

Late to the SPA’s National Conference 2019? Fear not: the University of York’s trusty satire mag has produced a transcript of the morning welcome talk.

CONOR MATCHETT

Hello, everyone! Welcome to York for the 2019 National Conference of the Student Publication Association. I’m Conor, the Chair of the SPA, and I’m so excited to see so many of you hear to attend our best conference yet. Now, there’s a few elements of housekeeping that I just have to brief you on, so, if I could just –

Conor Matchett is swiftly booted up the arse and sent tumbling off the stage.

FINN JUDGE

Hi, everyone! Don’t know who that guy was, but I’m Finn, the Activities Officer and the most important Sabbatical Officer of the local SU. I’m here to welcome you to this stunning event hosted by – and I say it without the slightest bias – some of the best student groups at this university.

It’s a pleasure to introduce you all to Nouse, our finest newspaper, perhaps the finest student newspaper in the country – no hard feelings toward any of our guests, of course! I’m so glad that Nouse have been shortlisted for so many, many awards at this conference. I once was Editor of Nouse, as you all knew, no doubt, but I’m sure that Nouse getting shortlisted for nine – yes, nine – awards was nothing to do with my extraordinary editing and the remarkable course that I set Nouse on.

I’m glad to see the SPA again. I’m sure you all remember that I was once a regional officer of the SPA and, for all of the minutes I held that role, it was a blast. It was such profound regret that I had to resign from that role, which I definitely did for the sake of my degree and not at all because I believed the SPA was and remains an utter farce.

Please don’t worry about any of the cameras and microphones that we’ve got around the conference. It’s just YSTV, our award-winning student television studio, who are pretty well-known around the country, dare I say the best student television studio in the country (again, no offense to our visitors!). They’re another part of our award-winning student media. Did I mention that Nouse, our esteemed hosts, have been shortlisted for nine awards in this conference?

Yes, as you have worked out, YSTV will be filming bits and bobs here and there. I know it’s a conference for publications, but, you know, they’re student media too, right? And we’ve roped them into this in order to support fellow student media. It’s nothing to do with producing content for our SU’s marketing team, I assure you. No, we just want our student media – and I do mean, our student media – to look as brilliant as possible. I’ll be happy to pose for photographs with you all later. Make sure to smile and say those magic words into the camera: “York’s student media is best!”

So, remember: I’m Finn, I used to edit Nouse, who are shortlisted for nine awards at this conference, which will be excellent if Nouse are running it, and, on behalf of FUSU – I mean, er, YUSU – enjoy this year’s conference!

CONOR MATCHETT

Right, er, thank you, Finn. Now, if I could go back to –

Conor Matchett is again booted up the arse and sent tumbling off the stage.

JOE SILKE

Hello, my darlings! Welcome to York, welcome to our campus and welcome to the home of Nouse. Being Editor of Nouse has taught me a great deal and given me all sorts of skills and experiences.

It’s been great to meet so many people from other student newspapers. I couldn’t quite remember everyone’s names, and I certainly don’t remember any of the newspapers, but by the end of this conference, you’ll have become well-acquainted with the stupendous media scene that we have at York. We’ve got Nouse, our hosts; The Lemon Press, our excellent satire paper; and, er… hang on… erm… I think we have a few more…

FINN JUDGE

Er… Circulation? HARD Magazine?

JOE SILKE

Sorry, who?

CONOR MATCHETT

What about The Yorker?

FINN JUDGE

…I mean, what about The Yorker?

JOE SILKE

Well, it doesn’t matter, because we have so many publications here to meet. We are absolutely thrilled to have the SPA here. It’s been so great to be fostering deep, meaningful connections with the organisation that everyone in York’s student media ignored last year. At least at this year’s conference we’ll bother to be present to accept any awards we win in person!

Thank you to our sponsors for helping us with putting on this conference, especially to our most generous sponsor, York Vision, without whose noble sacrifices we wouldn’t have the money to put this whole thing on.

OK, everyone, that’s all from us. The first talks will be starting soon. We’re confident that this conference will do your CV the world of good. (We know that none of you are actually here to help your newspapers back home!) Well, don’t worry: attending these talks and listening to our speakers will get you into a top journalism job faster than you can say, “hockey Nazis.”

HENRY DYER

“Hockey Nazis”?

Henry Dyer is hastily bashed over the head with a cosh labelled “free speech” by Doorshit security.

CONOR MATCHETT

Let the conference commence!

— Reynard