How small is Chris Small? How long is a piece of string that is exactly as long as Chris Small is tall? We can’t know for sure as his constant security presence won’t let anyone near him — himself included. I hear they smashed his mirror on the final day of campaigning, thinking his reflection was a GRU agent. We are forced to estimate; I am forced to investigate.

Truth is the lifeblood of student union politics. That’s why I’m taking Chris Small, YUSU President runner-up, to task over his controversial claim of being a ‘small man’. This is important, in the same way that it was important to find out just how large the planets of No Man’s Sky were before the game released and we all stopped caring.

The first mistake most people make when judging the size of an object is doing so with their eyes. That’s foolish. We all have different eyes, they can’t all be right. Just closing your eyes and guessing is a real eye-opener. Photographs are a no-go area. Perspective is a con that can be seen a mile off. If people can appear to hold up the Leaning Tower of Pisa, what’s to stop Small seemingly looking Godzilla in the eyes? Point made.

Einstein famously said something about not being able to measure fish by tree ring patterns; similarly, one can’t measure Small by using a ruler or he will live his whole life believing he is small. However, we can measure the number of likes on ‘Chris Small for YUSU President’: 303. A similar page, Dwarf Hire, has over 45,000 likes. Hence, one can infer that Small is 1 centimetre tall.

Occasionally, very occasionally, the Small campaign slipped up. Placing Small next to a to-scale oil rig could be the largest PR disaster since BP killed the dinosaurs. Assuming the oil rig is 100 metres tall then Small must be under 100 metres in height. Appearing near the upper end would represent a devastating blow to his small credentials.

We’re closing in on him. So far we’ve found that he’s likely to be between one centimetre and 100 metres tall. However, we can go further, there are yet more tools in the investigator’s toolbox:

• Take Chris to a theme park and see which rides he’s allowed on. This will give us some upper and lower bounds. Teacups? Over 90 centimetres. Not allowed on the log flume? Below 110 centimetres.
• Throw him into the lake and see how much it rises. If the lake rises by 10 metres then he must be at least 100 metres tall.
• Try to rebrand Chris as an action-figure and see what scale is displayed on the packaging. 10 centimetres tall and 1:40? That’s one big man.
• Ensure he is elected President of the United States and wait for the report by the White House physician.
• Petition for him to be added to Madame Tussauds, then measure the height of the wax figure.
• Ask him. Silly suggestion, not doing this.

Chris Small refused to comment on his true height or on the findings presented here.

— Will Rowan

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