Mr Speaker: Boris you have the floor.

Boris: MP’s unclog your waxy, hairy earholes, I have some Earl Grey tea to spill!

Rishi Sunak: If it’s not to do with how to get red peppers at Waitrose again, then I don’t care.

Boris: You little wanker. You don’t give a flying fuck about anyone in this country. But I do. I have climbed out of this party’s pooey butt crack and have realised some things – many thanks to looking after my estranged kids, as their mothers couldn’t afford child-care due to the cost of living crisis. A separate issue, for another time. Now, I am aware that this isn’t a Catholic church, but I have a confession to make: I like women who have jobs. It is only right –

Mr Speaker: OUTRAGE !!!!!!!!!

Derek von Bisjerk: Women belong in maternity wards or sucking on my dick! [winks at Female MP]

Female MP: I should be making babies, not policies. Fuck gender equality!

Boris: Calm your tits, whether milked or unmilked, women deserve the same rights as any Black, Asian or Ethnic minority. These however aren’t mutually ex-

Derek von Bisjerk: I believe BAME actually stands for [clears throat to speak like Barney the Dinosaur] … Bring All Men Erections.

Rishi Sunak: Now, that’s equality. Let’s take it to a vote.

Mr Speaker: All those in favour of reinstating the definition of BAME to ‘Bring All Men Erections’ say “aye” [23 minutes later…] And all those opposed say “nay” [17 minutes later]. I think the Ayes have it. The Ayes have it!

Boris: Will ‘Bringing All Men Erections’ be inclusive of trans men or intersex people?

Rishi: Theoretically yes, but practically, no. British mothers have banned education on LGBTQ+ things, so it would be harder.

Lord Goosefat: The mothers would also like to see the banning of all education for girls past the age of fourteen unless they intend to study the following curriculum: “How to Make Your Future Husband Cum”, “Learning Your Fate: Marriage or Death”, “How to Not Fuck Women If You’re Gay” and my personal favourite, “Ways to Chop Your Breasts Off in Case You Become a Christian Saint”.

Female MP 3 (Liz ‘Bigbust’ Truss): [nodding head]

Rishi: Speaker, table this issue for now. Lord Goosefat and I will debate this while BAMEing each other tomorrow morning.

Boris: Woo gay love!

Lord Goosefat: Do not speak such blasphemy in this house you woke, Gen-Z wannabe!

Boris: [in-tune with Spice Girls] If you wanna be my gay lover, you have to be my friend. I don’t BAME with anyone, and your homophobia has to end. I mean, doesn’t anyone sitting here today support Elton John?

Rishi: Elton isn’t gay, he just likes rainbows and accidentally got aids from a blood test.

Mr Speaker: True story.

Boris: He’s GAY.

Rishi: Isn’t it wrong to assume people’s sexual and gender identities these days? You de-woked little shit.