Pssssssst, keep this to yourself, but I saw a rumour deep online that Boris Johson has resigned as Prime Minister. My thoughts are only with those who are suffering most due to this. No, not his unspecified number of children, or those who have suffered as a result of the countless scandals that 50+ government officials suddenly chose to remember this week, but the new Sabbatical Officers who posted their introductory posts just as the UK started exploding this month. I’ve dug through what we already know about these new trusty trustees to find out who they are endorsing to be the new leader of the Tories. 

Pierrick – Rory Stewart 

Pierrick has done nothing as President yet, I am already a huge fan. He has already had the character-building moment of being left on read by Charlie Jeffrey during his time as the Environment and Ethics Officer for the UK’s 93rd-most sustainable University, so he already carries more cynicism than even the most hungover version of POD ever had. While I am sure that becoming further submerged in the middle-managing bureaucracy of YUSU will not cause further strife and definitely won’t turn him into the fucking Joker, there is a chance that he could become York’s very own Rory Stewart: a sensible voice in a sea of madness who steps away from the ladder of power after seizing the hearts of the people, before starting a podcast with an accused war criminal (try to catch one at the next Nouse Alumni event).

Deb – Matt Hancock

In the five years that I have been at this University, Deb is the Sabbatical Officer I am most convinced that I could approach at a party and sell an NFT to (yes I considered the OTHER obvious candidate, but Deb edged it as he does not yet give the impression that he would stab me on sight for being a part of student media.) And the current flagbearer of crypto in the Tory party is, genuinely, Matt Hancock. Deb and Matt The Shagger are kindred spirits, being outdoor adventurers with UNORTHODOX policies regarding people with disabilities and a burning desire to spend a fortune on digital services of questionable usefulness! We should do everything in our power to get Matt and Deb in the same room, then sell the resultant footage to either Netflix or the FBI. 

Franki – Boris Johnson

For all his many, many, many flaws, Boris Johnson is the only Prime Minister who has ever given off the vibe that he would care about Roses, which is in all honesty a worse crime than causing 180,000 COVID-19 deaths. Think about it; a weekend of intense sports between the mostly-privately-educated, for glory that’s based on a historic squabble? All that’s needed now is comfier sleeping arrangements to allow for mass-impregnation orgies and our caretaker PM would volunteer to fund the tournament personally! 

Rohan – Nadine Dorries

As the former ComedySoc chair, Rohan must endorse the banter candidate; and who else would be funnier than Boris’s political widow, Nadine Dorries? Who could forget that time she did a TikTok rap (#Cringe)! Or that time she said online films were ‘downstreamed’ (she blamed dyslexia, what’s more comedic than a member of a disability-hostile government facing hostility due to a disability! Bantz)! Or her entire voting record (we keep making jokes about her and she keeps on getting away with making awful political decisions without losing standing in her own party! What now? Does the solution involve more jokes?)

Hannah – Liz Truss

Do you have any idea how excruciating it is to write satire about Community and Wellbeing Officers? So often they serve scandal-and-quirk-free tenures, and I would sooner publish my home address than any satire about most of the high-profile topics they deal with. The only good Community and Officer content was Effy’s #Bustice saga (a petition campaign that fixed the First Bus problem as effectively as that one digger fixed the Suez Canal problem), so any CAWO must naturally gravitate towards an MP who has had one singular funny moment. So step forwards Liz ‘Cheese and Pork Markets’ Truss, please collect your Sabbatical Officer endorsement and pray that the student-run activism pages don’t choose someone else instead.