For legal reasons, everyone in this was the one initiating the fight, this is just my view from the perspective of self defense. 

The Ruddy Shelduck – I’m not messing around here, one kick and that thing is done for, I don’t care about its status, in a combat situation I will strike any waterfowl and more of you should be aware of that fact. Maybe you would respect me more if you did. 

Any Lib Dem – I feel like they would just sort of lay there in a fetal position and let it happen. Which to be fair may be the best option, I would almost feel pity for them and stop. Almost. Almost pity. 

17% of Geese – The number is probably higher, but I bet at least 17% of the campus’ geese population is either old or injured or a baby or too much of a coward to fight me. We all rehearse fighting a goose in our heads when we walk past one [RIGHT?!? – Ed] and I feel like this 17% I could beat no question. 

My Inner Demons – I’ve been feeling quite happy and self-assured recently, I think I could take my inner demons in a fight now! 

Nans – Graduation? Seeking a degree later in life? Or are they just here to visit? Either way you bet I could beat those Nans, oh lordy, I’m too in touch with my feminine side to let them get away with any wiley tricks, I’ll just go straight through them like a coked-up bull on rollerskates! 

Algae – You give me any lary algae, I’m putting my fist through it mate. I’m not taking any lip from some photosynthetic eukaryotic, do I look like a soft lad to you? Fuck off mate, why catch the sun when you can catch these hands. Dickheads. 

Doorsafe Team – They would let me win because they are so very generous and kind. Of course if they tried they could all beat me instantly and in the gentlest way humanly possible, but using their amazing people skills they would interpret that I needed to beat them in a fight for the sake of my own mental health, and pretend to lose to make me feel better. I love Doorsafe so fucking much, Jesus Christ.

Boxing Team – Hear me out; has anyone tried to tell them jokes? All I would have to do is land a few rib ticklers from a distance to slow them down whilst I try to find a large stick. Boxers are honorable creatures, they wouldn’t find a bigger stick or anything, and if they did I would simply tell more jokes!

ComedySoc Committee – Hear me out; has anyone tried to tell them jokes? Only I had to sit through one of their stand up routines last town and I’m not actually sure they have been told one before. A group of people who self-identify as funny, and I could take them all by telling one knock-knock joke that would physically split their sides.