In a turn of events that stunned the world, YUSU has proposed to offer military aid to the Iraqi government in an attempt to curb the rise of the Islamic fundamentalist group, ISIS.

Joining US-led forces in the region will be YUSU’s modest air force of three remote controlled helicopters (with a built-in payload of five foam missiles each) and approximately 20 paper aeroplanes that, according to senior officials, ‘can go really, really far’. Intelligence analysts predict that the taskforce’s capabilities will include delivering love letters and blaring decadent western music at a range of approximately 2-10 feet.

Potentially, this will provide medium range surveillance if they manage to tape a GoPro to one of the landing struts. YUSU led the international community in placing sanctions on ISIS at the start of term by banning them from all campus bars, charging an extra 20% for all merchandise, and revoking their free Unibus privileges. However, the campus Nisa has resisted pressure to levy sanctions and continues trade with the militant group, offering essential supplies such as Pot Noodles for the low price of £9.50.

Discussions are now underway regarding the possibility of training opposing milita forces to ISIS. HAZSoc is already developed an intensive course to bring Iraqi Irregulars up to speed on modern tactics such as ‘not running away’ and ‘shooting a bit’. Meanwhile, the Model UN Association is reviewing their options, though analysts predict that aside from a stern telling off, they will again be doing bugger all for the foreseeable future.

When pressed for comment by intrepid Lemon Press student journo scum Randy Moleskin, ISIS officials claimed to be untroubled by the proposed intervention, asking: ‘What is YUSU?’ and ‘You do realise we’re going to behead you now?’

Ben Walker, issue 22, 2014