It was the ending no one saw coming. The 75-year-old Democratic senator for Vermont, Bernie Sanders, reentered the news cycle having been hibernating over the winter to take a historic victory at the 163rd Boat Race. Entering the race at Putney on a raft covered with the corpses he has feasted upon since awakening, Bernie sped down the Thames using a bone oar, completing the course in a record four minutes and twenty-three seconds. Having beaten the bookies’ favourites for winner and runner-up, Oxford and Cambridge, he then gave a speech to the horrified masses at Mortlake, declaring the victory ‘a great win for social democracy, the working man, and my new lord, Krasdagul the Dread.’ He then ritualistically slaughtered Clare Balding, and departed as [Wait, hold on, Bernie Sanders winning something? You’ve taken this too far. — Ed.]

— Henry Dyer