DATELINE – VATICAN CITY

Pope Francis has died at the age of 88. He was known for his wide range of progressive policies, such as advocating for migrants, acting as a peacemaker in many global conflicts, and calling for less discrimination against LGBTQ+ individuals. Despite this, he maintained many of the Church’s more oppressive policies, suggesting that queer children were mentally ill, and refusing to allow the ordaining of female priests. 

In the wake of this, US President Donald Trump has announced that he intends to replace Francis as Bishop of Rome. Whilst not strictly forbidden, the new pope is traditionally chosen from the upper echelons of the Catholic clergy, and probably should speak Latin and be a Catholic. Trump is none of those things, and cannot tell the difference between Spanish, Portuguese, and Latin, but claims that his “overwhelming support” in the US election means he will dominate the popular vote.

There is no popular vote in Papal elections. 

Trump claimed that under him the Catholic Church will be “bigger than ever before”. He has promised to completely remove all reference to Jesus from the Church, and introduce a 10% tariff on all other religions.

When challenged on the fact that if he actually became pope he would be ex-officio King of Vatican City and therefore immediately ineligible to be President of the United States, Trump just stared blankly at the reporter who asked him.

More on this story as it develops.