1. Close the two remaining receptions and replace all receptionists with YABBAtars (York Automated Bionic Buddy & Assistant).

2. Completely axe Open Door mental health support and sign post students to DeepSeek (open-source natural language chatbot) when they feel sad.

3. Design, print and deploy even more energy saving posters.

4. Buy and fly an energy saving blimp around campus (artistic render included above).

4. Disband all the Colleges and give York SU more money so they can run a fully centralised mega-Union instead.

5. Enforce fines for failing to Check-In as a new revenue stream.

6. In addition to calculators, require students to bring their own desk and chair to exams.

7. Encourage Donald Trump to establish a golf course between Constantine College and York Sport Village. The Duke of York may come in handy here for facilitating this arrangement.

8. Give the Sabbatical Officers first aid training and a golf buggy so they can replace Campus Safety. Suggestion seven is a prerequisite here.

9. Compare broadband deals on MoneySuperMarket.com as current Internet Service Provider Jisc may not be offering the best value for campus wide internet. May also improve campus internet reliability.

10. Sell the astrocampus to Elon Musk’s SpaceX so they can use the facility as a launchpad.

11. Decommission the VLE because no one likes it. Use Google Classroom instead because it can do 90% of the former and it’s already included with Google Workspace

12. Enter every student living on campus into the “People’s Postcode Lottery”. Finance tickets with students’ accommodation deposit. 

13. Get rid of Duo 2FA to increase productivity of staff; no one is going to be interested in hacking an organisation that has no money anyway.

14. Construct a nuclear reactor in York Sport village for affordable and plentiful energy. Reactor coolant can also be used to fill and heat the swimming pool.

15. Release “Changing_the_Work_(again)” which outlines plans to merge University of York with York St John, following the successful merger of YUSU and the GSA. 

First published in Issue 63