Hey! What the fuck are you doing? Please stand up and move away from my wiener. This is just one example of the inexplicable abuse I regularly receive when crouched in dog parks attempting to bag up shit. A few weeks ago however, I came to a realisation: I might get fewer looks if I actually had a pet.

This was how I found myself in the market for a dog, and what caused me to come across a beautiful specimen of a German shepherd named Klaus, who I adopted from Facebook marketplace immediately. There, I thought, job done, I can get back to my collection in peace. But this was just the start of my troubles…

As soon as Klaus arrived we struggled to understand each other; I would give him simple commands like “fetch!” or “sit!”, and rather than following suit, or even barking as I had expected, he had a tendency to look quite offended, stand up, and start speaking very agitatedly in German. While my linguistic skills are rusty, I had picked up a little bit of Deutsch from many late nights watching Karl Marx edits on TikTok, and was able to make out the rough gist of Klaus’ tirade. He mostly seemed to be asking questions to the tune of “where the fuck am I?”, as well as raising a fair few concerns about his duty of care to a flock of Pomeranian Coarsewool in rural Bavaria.

I thought this was strange behaviour for a canine companion and sought treatment from my local vet, but they wouldn’t even let me in. This was partly due to the fact that Klaus is quite an unusual looking hound by all accounts, and partly because I am very much banned indefinitely from all veterinary offices due to a misunderstanding a few years ago. 

Eventually, dear reader, I had to make a difficult decision that dedicated pet owners will know all too well. If I couldn’t get Klaus the care he needed, I had to accept the alternative. If you love someone, let them go. And let go I did… To cut a long story short I am once again in the market for a dog, and am willing to trade a newly acquired loyalty card at ‘Barry’s Blackmarket Animal Euthanasia Clinic’, I will leave my contact details below.

Originally published in Issue 61